I shared this talk. It was about three hours after Cecilia's latest scans showed cancer progression. They were not the results that we had hoped for. The road feels very long, the load feels very heavy, and time feels very short. But I had agreed to give this talk so I did and as I read the words I had put together the week before I was once again in awe of how God's plans are always perfect (even when they are hard or painful). Someone suggested I share it on the blog so I am doing that with the plea for continued prayers for a miracle.
Cecilia got her driver's license today! A milestone she worked very hard for. She purchased a car and is all set to begin classes at EMU next week. She will also have a port placed again and receive a chemo infusion every few weeks in hopes of slowing the growth of the cancer. Thank you for all of your messages, prayers, support, and all the things we see and don't see. I do not thank any of you nearly enough but I do thank God for you every single day. I will try to update more frequently as these weeks progress and we have more scans. Please pray for Cecilia's safety especially for her to not pick up any viruses that might be going around.
The Grace for Today
I want you to think for a minute about how much time you spend thinking about a time that isn't right now.
Maybe you're thinking about college.
What am I going to do after high school? Where am I going to go? What am I going to major in? What if I don't get in? What if I choose the wrong thing?
Or maybe you're thinking about something that already happened.
Something you said that you wish you hadn't said. Something someone did to you. A friendship that changed. A mistake you made. Something embarrassing that your brain has decided to replay for you at 2:00 in the morning.
We spend an incredible amount of our lives somewhere other than where we actually are.
And I want to be clear: planning for the future is good.
You should think about what you're going to do after high school. You should study for the test that's coming. You should make plans and set goals and think about the person God is calling you to become.
But there's a difference between planning for the future and living in the future.
And there's a difference between learning from the past and living in the past.
Jesus says something in Matthew's Gospel that I have thought about a lot:
“So do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will bring worries of it’s own. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”
— Matthew 6:34
Jesus doesn't say, "Don't make plans for tomorrow."
He says, don't worry about tomorrow.
Because worry doesn't actually prepare us for the future.
It just steals something from us today.
I have learned this in a way I never wanted to learn it.
My 18 year old daughter Cecilia has cancer. And eventually our family was given the news that every parent hopes they will never hear: her cancer is considered terminal.
There is something very strange about being told that someone you love has a terminal illness when they are standing right in front of you looking completely alive.
Because Cecilia is alive.
She laughs. She goes places. She spends time with her siblings and friends. She works. She makes plans. She has adventures. She lives.
And yet, as her mom, I know things about the future that I desperately wish I didn't know.
At first, I think part of me believed that if I thought about the future enough, I could somehow prepare myself for it.
Maybe if I imagined the worst thing enough times, it wouldn't hurt quite as badly if it happened.
Maybe if I thought through every possibility, asked every question, looked far enough ahead, I could protect myself.
But I began to realize something.
I was suffering things that hadn't happened yet.
And even worse, sometimes I was allowing the fear of losing Cecilia someday to steal the joy of having Cecilia today.
That is when living in the present stopped being a nice inspirational idea for me.
It became necessary.
I had to learn to look at the day God had actually given me.
Today, she is here.
Today, we can sit around the kitchen table.
Today, I can hear her laugh.
Today, her brothers and sisters can spend time with her.
Today, we can go for a drive or eat dinner or have a conversation or do something completely ordinary.
And those ordinary moments have become incredibly precious to me.
I've learned that you don't have to know how the story ends to be grateful for the page you're on.
And this isn't only true when Cecilia is feeling well.
There have been hard days too. Hospital rooms. Surgeries. Chemotherapy. Fear. Tears. Days when she wasn't seemingly healthy and life didn't look the way we wanted it to look.
God was there too.
Because living in the present doesn't mean pretending everything is wonderful.
It means asking:
Where is God in this moment?
Not where will God be six months from now.
Not where was God five years ago.
Where is He here?
Where is He now?
There's a moment in Scripture when God tells Moses His name.
He says:
“I AM WHO AM.”
— Exodus 3:14
I love that God doesn't say, "I WAS."
And He doesn't say, "I WILL BE."
He says, I AM.
God is here.
Right now.
And I think sometimes we miss Him because we are mentally living everywhere except the place where He is meeting us.
We're waiting for the next thing.
When I graduate...
When I get into college...
When I have a boyfriend or girlfriend...
When I make the team...
When this hard season is over...
When my family situation changes...
When I finally know what I'm supposed to do with my life...
Then I'll be happy.
But your life isn't starting someday.
This is it.
This Tuesday in August is part of your life.
The annoying conversation with your little brother is part of your life.
The car ride home with your mom is part of your life.
Lunch with your friends is part of your life.
Sitting in class on some completely ordinary day is part of your life.
And I think we sometimes expect the important parts of our lives to announce themselves.
But usually they don't.
Sometimes you only realize something was precious after it has passed.
One of the greatest gifts Cecilia's illness has given our family—and I don't say that lightly—is an awareness of how sacred ordinary life is.
Laughter around the table.
Sibling conversations.
Someone walking through the kitchen looking for something to eat.
A hug.
A text.
A sunset.
A ridiculous joke.
Being together.
These things don't look extraordinary while they're happening.
But they are your life.
Psalm 118:24 says
“This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice in it and be glad.”
This is the day.
Not yesterday.
Not the day you finally figure everything out.
Not the day all your problems disappear.
This one.
And I want you to notice something else.
It doesn't say, "This is the perfect day the Lord has made."
Some days are painful.
Some days are confusing.
Some days we are grieving.
Some days we're scared.
Some days we have no idea what God is doing.
But this is still the day He has given us.
So yes—make plans.
Apply to college.
Think about your vocation.
Dream about your future.
Ask God what He wants you to do with your life.
But then come back to today.
Because you don't actually have to live your entire future today.
God isn't asking you to.
He's asking you to be faithful with this day.
And when your mind starts running ahead—when you're imagining everything that might happen or everything that could go wrong—come back.
Maybe your prayer can simply be:
Jesus, You are here. And I am here. Help me live this day with You.
And when you find yourself stuck in the past, wishing you could change something you can't change, give that to Him too.
The past belongs to His mercy.
The future belongs to His providence.
And the present is where we get to love Him.
I don't know what my family's future holds.
There are days when that is incredibly difficult for me.
But I know what I have today.
I have Cecilia today.
I have my family today.
I have people to love today.
I have work God has given me today.
I have moments I could rush through while worrying about tomorrow—or moments I can actually receive.
And so do you.
Someday you will look back on this season of your life.
You will not always be this age.
You won't always live in the house you live in.
Your siblings won't always be down the hall.
Your friends won't always be sitting next to you in class.
Life changes.
So don't spend this life waiting for your real life to begin.
Look around.
Pay attention.
Put your phone down sometimes.
Listen when someone is talking to you.
Laugh.
Love the people God has put in front of you.
Make your plans—and then entrust them to Him.
Because Jesus never promised us that we would know what tomorrow holds.
He promised us something much better:
that He would be with us.
And today is enough.
Because God is already here.
5 ways to actually live in the present
1. Start the day by giving God the day you actually have.
Before you check your phone, even if it's only for 30 seconds, pray something like: “Jesus, thank You for this day. Help me notice You and love the people You put in front of me today.” You don't need grace today for next Thursday or next year. You need grace for today.
2. When your mind races into the future, ask: “Is there something I need to do about this today?”
If you're worried about college and there's an application you need to finish—finish it. That's planning. But if there's nothing you can do about it today, worrying about it isn't planning anymore. Do what belongs to today, and give the rest to God.
3. Put your phone down and be where your feet are.
If you're eating dinner with your family, eat dinner with your family. If you're with your friends, actually be with them. Look people in the eyes. Notice who's sitting beside you. Some of the moments you will miss most someday are probably moments that feel completely ordinary right now.
4. Stop replaying the past.
If you've sinned, go to Confession. If you owe someone an apology, apologize. If there's something you can repair, repair it. But after you've done what you can, don't keep punishing yourself by replaying it. God's mercy is bigger than your past.
5. End the day by noticing what was good.
Before you go to sleep, think of three things from that day you're grateful for. They don't have to be big: something funny your brother said, a beautiful sunset, your favorite song in the car, a friend who texted you. Gratitude trains us to notice the life we're actually living instead of constantly waiting for a different one.
None of these things will make you stop worrying forever. I still worry. I still find my mind racing ahead and imagining things I don't want to imagine. But I've learned to come back. Again and again, I come back to today.
Because this is where God is.
"How can the past and future be, when the past no longer is, and the future is not yet? As for the present, if it were always present and never moved on to become the past, it would not be time, but eternity." Book XI of St Augustine’s Confessions.
Please continue to pray for a MIRACLE with us! And this is my new favorite song on repeat!
2 comments:
Loved reading this. Thank you. Continued prayers!
Your family is daily in my prayers. Thank you for sharing this important message with your update!
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