A Friday In Lent

It sneaks in like a fly through a screen. Bitterness, resentment, jealousy. It builds up in my head until I think I will nearly explode. Why do *I* have to do all of this? Why am I the one up at all hours with babies, up early to half a dozen (or more) squawking kids demanding breakfast (in the pink bowl with the pink spoon and NOT the faded pink spoon either) ? Dishes from the night before, laundry piled up because I was just too tired. Then it happens. I yell at him. Yell at the man that for 18 years has gotten up before light (most days) to go to work at a job that may or may not be exciting (I have no idea). First he makes the coffee, leaves a note, and he's off. Rain or snow or beautiful weather he's off. And I'm left here in the trenches. (Today the light isn't working in the kitchen....that's where I spend most of my time.  And there's zero sun today...sigh...(first world problem.) ).   I know, without a doubt that this is my calling, my vocation. But it's hard and most days I struggle to keep God in the front of my mind and Satan behind me. When I feel especially bad about myself I lash out at those around me. I point out their failures and weaknesses so that I can blame them for my hurt. But really it's me. Am I praying enough? Am I really studying God's Word like I should be (as best I can in this crazy life). Am I stepping away from social networking long enough to keep the buzz out of my mind so that I can be who I need to be for my husband and my children? Those are all things I have to ask myself at those times when I'm being a little too “in your face”to the precious ones I've been given to look after.

 

I also have to pay attention to my health and my eating habits. I often forget to eat real meals and just eat what the kids leave (which is totally a perk of my job....). I have a few non negotiables for myself everyday and one of them is that I have to take my vitamins. Usually if I even glance in the direction of the kitchen the kids start asking me for things so I had to set a few goals for myself (and my health). I tend to stay up too late to grab some quiet time but then I'm crabby in the morning. I try to keep those things in check as best I can so that I can be more present to Jesse and the kids. I fail about every other day but I try.  I have some serious praying to do this weekend about the current homeschooling curriculum we are doing.  I've tried to make it through the year but I don't think I will.  The "school at home" process isn't working for at all.  I cry almost everyday in regards to the work they put in front of us.  It's like having them in school only they aren't gone all day.  It's robbing me of my homeschool joy.  I don't think I can take even another week of it which makes me feel like a failure.

 

(We printed and laminated these great Stations of the Cross for kids from THIS website)

I think Lent is an especially hard time because Satan does his best to pull our attention away from Christ and towards all that is bad. He loves to cause conflict. Spiritual warfare isn't much talked about in our society but at the risk of sounding like a Jesus Freak ( hahahahaha - I actually LOVE being known as a Jesus Freak) spiritual warfare is alive and well. I pray the St. Michael prayer about 50 times a day and I have really started asking people to pray for me. Sometimes when I'm really mad at Jesse I will ask him to pray for me. It's hard to do that but I think it sends a message to Satan that I won't let him decide if my marriage succeeds or fails. I will decide and with God's Grace I summon up the nerve to apologize for my awfulness and strive to do better the next day.

Ah, lent, how many days are left???