The Spiritual Journey of Pregnancy {Surrending to God's Will}

"Let me hear that baby in your belly again" Clare says nearly every time we end up in my room together.  She spots the doppler on the nightstand and I think "I really need to move that thing.".  I agree, usually, and then say "maybe we won't be able to hear the heartbeat today but it's OK".  In my mind, though, it's not OK.  At 19 weeks I should always be able to hear it right away.  But each time we try I hold my breath and wait.  She knows what it sounds like and lights up immediately when she hears it.  "It sounds like a dog" is what she always says.  I'm not really sure what she means by that but she seems pleased and after a few seconds she walks away.


I lay there thinking "thank you Jesus" and often whisper it out loud.  I say it every time I feel the baby move too.  Sometimes I think "this is normal, babies move at 19 weeks.  Just.stay.cool.".  But really I'm thinking "She's still alive.  Today I'm still pregnant.  Thank you Jesus."

The truth is that after all these years of losses (even though there were live babies born in there too) I'm fearful of what could happen next.  I often say "I'll get through the first trimester and then I'll breath" but really...I don't.  There's no breathing.  Only fear.  It's then that I realize how pregnancy has become a spiritual journey for me.  Each time I see those two lines turn dark I surrender my will to God's.  I'm owed none of these children no matter how long I carry them or parent them. Each time they walk out the door I surrender my will to God's but especially in pregnancy when the baby is so very close to me, a part of me, yet I have little control over her well being. 

I'm desperate to name her now.  I want to call her something so it can all feel more real.  You'd think after "so many" times this would feel routine but it never does.  It's a always  a miracle, a gift, a blessing.  I think each time I delight in it more.  Last weekend at the conference we were encouraged to choose to denounce fear.  Fear is what the devil hangs over us so that we can't or don't move forward, don't trust in God.  I've been so blessed in my life (especially in the last few years) to be surrounded by people who lived through things I cannot imagine yet they are strong in their belief in God.  They inspire me to try harder to not be afraid.  My losses are minor compared to those around me and whatever happens tomorrow or next week or in four months this baby is another soul for Christ.  Until then we'll keep listening and delighting in the life hidden within me.  "We should name her Margaret" Clare says.  Whatever her name is she's loved beyond measure already.