As we left Brandon for his Freshman year at Franciscan University so many thoughts ran through my head. The weeks preceding his leaving were hectic and emotional. I was nervous about Brandon going. Franciscan has been his dream for so long. One that I honestly didn't think would happen. The cost was a huge stumbling block but we always knew that if God willed it then the money would be there. The money was there and Brandon's dream became a reality. The following story is the story of my journey with Brandon. I do not condone the beliefs and behaviors I had for so many years. I do not recommend them. I was swayed by a culture that is so strong I even lost God for a while. It's a good thing He never lost me.
Brandon was born when I was a senior in high school. I was obviously unmarried and oh so very young. I remember being alone in my hospital room with Brandon for the first time, looking at him and thinking how little he was. He was so helpless. I knew I was just a kid too but that somehow I had to make this right. I didn't have a clue how, though. I felt that I had abandoned God with the behavior that had brought Brandon into being. I didn't know there was a way back. I wandered for many years trying to make my own way. I did, thank God, baptize Brandon in the Catholic Faith. I did not "clearly understand what I was undertaking" but I said I did. How could I? How could I understand what it meant to care for one of God's precious ones? It was an enormous responsibility and one I could not have done with any success had I not found my way back to God.
I attended college and worked a part time job with my eyes focused toward graduating and getting a teaching job. Those were some very scary and hard times. When I think back to them I think of the constant fear and anxiety I had inside of me that I would somehow screw up my son's life. I loved him so much.
When Brandon was three I got married to Jesse who adopted Brandon formally at that time. When Brandon was four we were blessed with Hannah. I was so glad to have a sibling for Brandon. Finally, a normal life with some stability. A real house with a mom AND a dad (as every child truly deserves) and now a sister too. Still, something (or Someone) was missing. We went on to have a third child, Owen. Jesse had gone through RCIA and become Catholic but we still didn't attend Mass regularly. Brandon had completed kindergarten at our local public school and seemed to be doing well. I was very drawn to homeschooling although I didn't know why. I explored and researched it but didn't do it officially until after Brandon finished 3rd grade. By then we had a fourth child and I gave Brandon the choice of going to school or staying home. He stayed home. And I'm so glad he did. I met some local homeschoolers who also happened to be Catholic (that I honestly thought were a little "too" Catholic. That's a funny thought now). We started attending Mass regularly and even going during the week. I still sat in the back. I felt unworthy to be there but I knew my kids deserved to be there. Brandon was very drawn to the Church and all it had to offer. He was an alter server and played guitar or sang for the First Friday homeschooler's Mass. Slowly *I* became more comfortable with the Church as well. I had always been against Reconciliation calling it "silly" or "unnecessary". Finally one day I could not take all the pain that my past sins (and there were many!) were causing me. I went to confession (although I didn't really remember how) and a HUGE weight was lifted from me. After that I had a strong desire to know everything I possibly could about our Faith. I'd been using a secular curriculum but decided to use a Catholic one so we could all learn together. Brandon soaked it all up like a sponge. He knew WAY more than I did and his actions spoke volumes about what he believed. I would come home to a clean kitchen or laundry folded. He was imitating St. Therese of the Child Jesus. He engrossed himself in Catholic Culture (Catholic Radio, Saint movies, Christian Rock). Since he was homeschooled he was able to attend weekly Bible studies with my mom. We are so blessed in our area to have a lot of solid Catholic priests and parishes. Brandon had no problems making appointments and speaking with different priests and nuns. He went to them with questions about the Faith, life, or just about anything he could think of. I learned from him that it's OK to NOT know something and to find out. It's OK to ask. He spent the last few years attending a Life Teen group at Christ the King Parish. The youth group and adult leaders there are phenomenal. They set the bar high for these kids and don't accept general "teen" behavior as OK. Brandon rose to the occasion and was never a "typical" teenager.
So yesterday as we stood at the foot of the cross in Steubenville, Ohio on the campus of Franciscan University I remembered Brandon's birth, my promise, and God's endless mercy. I remembered all the people that helped along the way. The people I knew and saw and the people I didn't. I laugh now when I think about how I worried that Brandon wouldn't have any siblings. He now has 8 on earth and several others in Heaven praying for him. God is so good. So many people run from God. They fear Him. They deny his mercy or their need for it. I am living proof that there is nothing anyone can do that God cannot turn around and use for good. We have to empty our hearts and our hands and give it all to Him.
