Embracing Loss, Birthdays, and Living Cruciform {Hope}

The week before my 44th Birthday the two lines were there again.  Pregnant.  Our first grand child due in just 6 weeks.  Our last baby born 8 months earlier.  By the morning of my birthday the baby had already gone to be Jesus.  We named her Hope since her blip of a life came and went during the first week of Advent that focuses on hope.  I have come to realize in my 44 years (and especially in the last 10 years or so) that people either think I'm crazy or a saint.  At least that's what they say to my face.  I assure you I am neither.  Well, if I were to lean one way it would definitely be to the crazy side but not because I have 13 children.  I have also learned, finally, that what the world at large or the community around me thinks is no consequence.  They will not be my final judge.  God will be.  Others will always have opinions but it's HIS opinion that matters.  Living that way in writing is significantly easier than in action.  At the end of each day I fill in the pages of my Examen journal.  The last question asks "As I think about tomorrow I pray that.....".  Mine usually says "I can not be a jerk".  Not super poetic or holy but it's my goal.  By 8 am I have usually walked the line of failure there but at the end of the day I will write it again because our God is a God of grace and new beginnings every single time the sun rises!

So that birthday day when a baby who I will never meet in this earth left the safety of my womb for the much better safety of Jesus' arms I rejoiced.  I was surrounded by 11 of my 13 children on earth, I'm sure the many souls of the other babies that have gone to heaven over the years, my parents, and my husband.  I have more than I deserve not just on my birthday but every single day of my life.  So on that day my two oldest daughters and I, armed with Starbuck's, braved the snowy streets and had a permanent reminder of His love for me and what I am to be to everyone else by living my life cruciform inked on my inner wrist.  Ever since reading Ann Voskamp's The Broken Way and doing the video study along with it I have discerned this permanent reminder.  A simple cross in black where I can see it as I fold laundry, wash dishes, change diapers.  Of course God is already permanently inked on our soul but I'm a visual person so seeing it a lot is good for my mind, heart, and soul.  A few months into my discernment a friend who shares my name reminded me that the name Amy means "beloved".  A fact that I have always had a hard time believing; that I am beloved to God and to others.  Always feeling less than and inadequate the word "beloved" isn't what would come to mind when I thought of myself.  And as I'm slowly learning as I am aging past middle age what we think about is what we believe and thus how we live.  So next to the reminder that I am called to live cruciform is the word "beloved".  Simple, small, meaningful.  As I look at that cross I will always remember that day with my oldest girls and granddaughter on the inside.  Along with God and Jesse I gave those girls life but it is them that give ME life now.  Along with their siblings they teach me the true meaning of sharing my heart for better or for worse every single day.  It's no different with them as it was with baby Hope or any of the other babies lost to us but found to Heaven.  Maybe we are crazy to remain open when the risk of loss is so high.  But in our discernment God has not revealed that.  So until He does we will continue to walk His road.

This year and last thanks to Ann's book I wanted to give to others on my birthday.  I have always disliked my birthday for whatever reason but giving to others has eased that feeling.  "That's weird, mom" an older child said.  "What's weird?" I asked. "Giving to others on YOUR birthday."  "Is it?  I think we are called to give to others on all of our days.  That's what Jesus says."  

"For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." Mark 10:45

In the end my 44th birthday was one of the best birthdays that I've had so far.  Every year gets better and better.  I no longer bemoan growing older.  I embrace it.  I am finally becoming more comfortable with myself, my past failures, my future...all is grace.  And I am grateful.  

When We Were Eve : Book Review and Blog Tour

I am so excited that Franciscan Media asked me to read and review When We Were Eve because it's been on my amazon wish list for quite a while now.  Colleen's last book Who Does He Say That You Are? Women Transformed By Christ in the Gospel changed the way I thought about myself and so many other situations in my life.  I just knew that When We Were Eve would continue to transform my heart for Christ and my view of myself as I travel further down this road of life towards the ultimate goal of Heaven.  First, I respect Colleen C. Mitchell for her amazing courage and spirit.  Her life, like so many of ours, has been a rocky road involving trials and heartbreak but she has allowed God to transform all of the bad into good that positively shines for HIS glory.  And now back to Colleen's newest book.  So many of us have been damaged by others, our family, our friends (or those that we thought were our friends), our church communities, and even ourselves.  When We Were Eve walks you through many of the abuses or traumas that you may have survived and helps the reader to better understand the (normal) reactions and how to trust their bodies, emotions, and even other people again.  Even if you haven't suffered some kind of trauma in your life the chances are that someone close to you has.  This book can help you better understand their point of you and reactions to certain situations leading people to love more and judge less.  The personal stories add so much to this book.  I love to read real stories about real people overcoming hardships and how God weaves Himself into their lives.  He truly is the comforter to all those who mourn.  I love to read about the honest struggles that women all over the world wrestle with.  We live in a world so saturated with sex but often we are afraid to really talk about our sexuality and the struggles that we may be having .  We fear that we may be judged especially within the Church.  Colleen's book addresses these issues and so many more in a way that makes the reader feel as if she is in community and definitely not alone.  There are questions for reflection at the end of the chapters and plenty of scripture references to fill the reader's mind and heart with Christ.  I think this book would make an excellent small group study.

One thing I have learned in the past five years or so is that hurt people hurt people.  If we can find a way to heal, a place to heal and be safe, maybe we can stop fearing true intimacy and embrace the abundant life that God has planned for us. I believe that When We Were Eve has the ability to first open up our own hearts and then open up lines of communication between other women.   So add a copy to your Christmas list and send them off to your closest friends too.  This book is a great way to start the New Year!

Be sure to check out Julie Abbell's review on When We Were Eve over at the Catholic Book Blogger tomorrow (December 14)!

Ignite : Book Review

I am in no way a Biblical scholar.  In all honesty much of my Biblical knowledge comes from the lines of my favorite Christian rock songs or the framed images I keep around the house.  Throughout the last few years I have really tried to READ the Bible in many different ways.  Much of it is just way over my head even though all of it speaks to my heart.  When I opened up the Ignite book I was immediately taken in by the personal stories of the authors as well as how the book breaks down and explains the different sections of the Bible.  Using the basic questions of "who, what, where, when, why and how" Ignite helps those who don't have years of scripture classes under their belts or time for an in depth and guided scripture study.  

Perhaps your New Year's resolution will be to read the Bible more often or more thoroughly.  Ignite is an essential tool in completing that goal.   I plan to keep it on hand for homeschooling use as well as every day use for myself.  It's a nice size and would fit snugly in any stocking.  You can purchase Ignite HERE in plenty of time for Christmas!  

I hope everyone is having a holy and blessed Advent.