Hey Josie

Hey Josie....

You stole our hearts from day one.  It's no matter that you're number 10. (A parent's heart knows not of numbers but only swells with each new life)

Your firsts are our firsts.  Your giggles light up our days.

You're maybe loved more than the others because you have more people to dote on you.

You sing, dance, and pull my hair......

Your colic nearly drove me nuts but only because I wanted to make you feel better....

Soon you'll be ONE but you'll always be our baby.....

I held you more and ignored the chores because I know how fast time goes now.....

I'm anxious to see your first steps and to see you running but for now I'll just sit and watch you grow.

Hey Jo Jo....don't lose that silly grin.

Love,

Mommy

Gratitude Sunday

 

 

 

 

 

 

Words can't do it justice - the GRATITUDE in my heart.  Thank you, God, for friends, family, sunshine, and love.  Thank you, God, for a new week.  Thank you, God, for these moments in life.....

Count It All Joy

They counted down the days on the calendar marking off the dates as they passed.  They asked "when do we leave?" 1000 times.  I cringed at the thought of the preparations. The packing, shopping, finding a dog sitter, getting the meals planned.....the pressure mounted on top of me. As time grew short I panicked to fit it all in while while still growing accustomed to my non pregnant self.  My goal was to to focus on the JOY of it all.  Just speaking of our yearly trip brought JOY to the children's eyes.  Big and little they all recounted the memories that they had saved up from past years.  They giggled in anticipation of it all.  

During last year's trip I was 8.5 months pregnant with Josie.  I remember waddling through the sand to make it to the water.  This year she's on the outside and I am reminded of the miracle that her life is; what a miracle all of our lives are.  Being on the other end of the most recent miscarriage makes me more able to see that within all the sadness and grief there really are blessings.  I feel almost guilty saying that or maybe I feel ridiculous.  I'm not really sure which.  But looking back I see how profoundly the short life of our baby changed our lives and the lives of other people.  I've received countless emails and messages from people telling me about the ways their lives have been changed just by Veronica's story.  Maybe they're just trying to be nice.  Maybe they feel sorry for me.  I don't know.  But I choose to believe it's true.  That the life of a baby in utero can help others value their lives more.  I know that her short little life has helped me value the lives of my children here on earth more.  She helped me see that tragedy can tear apart a marriage or make it stronger.  

Somehow this year the lake seems more beautiful, the sunsets more meaningful, the time spent with my parents, my husband, and our children more powerful.  Somehow I see that it's all fleeting.  We've been coming to this lake for 20 years.  For 19 of those I took it for granted.  But baby Veronica made me see that we shouldn't take anything in this life for granted.  When we saw her heartbeat not once but twice I took for granted that we'd meet her in this life.  I didn't value the moment.  I lived in tomorrow.  I'm not going to say that I won't do that again but I have learned to try harder to live in the now.  To appreciate what we have because you never know when those hearts will stop beating.

They say it's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all.  I used to think that was stupid.  Now I see....we shouldn't fear losing what we have.  We should appreciate that we are able to love and to be loved.  What a gift.  What a Joy.  Even with the pain that our losses of brought to my heart I would rather have had those moments to truly give my body, heart, and soul to those babies; it doesn't matter for how long, the moment those pregnancy tests turn positive I'm in love.....that love doesn't end when their lives on earth do.  That love lasts forever.

Tonight I'm writing on the deck while the waves crash against the sand just a few feet away.  The air is cold. I hear my older kids playing cards with their grandpa while the baby nurses on and off.  She gets down to discover mischief and comes back to make sure I'm still here. My temperament finds it hard to count it all JOY but my heart swells a midst it all.  This moment is filled with JOY and that's where my blessings are found.

 

God's Got This {And Why I Respect My Husband}

Things that make me crazy include - getting ready for church, getting ready for a new school year, getting ready for a trip, getting ready for a birthday party........I could go on and on.  When I had one, two, and even three kids I did OK on my own.  I was a type A controller and felt no one could do it as well as I did, anyway, so I just stayed up half the night doing it all myself.  When Katie (baby 4) came along I started to feel the crunch but still insisted on doing it all.  Along came Jackson (baby 5) and I started to gasp for air.....gone were the days when I was young enough to live on 4 hours of sleep.   Society told me that a "good enough" mom and wife wouldn't need help.  Needing help = weakness.  After all, I didn't "work" and I "just stayed home" so what was the problem?  I wanted to show everyone that I could have five children and still do it all myself.  Jesse worked all day and I felt bad if he had to come home and help out around the house too.  So my non-job lasted from 6 a.m. to...well...6 a.m. the next day.  I was up nursing (tandem nursing at the time), doing mounds of laundry, washing the floors, cleaning bathrooms, cooking.....enter the break down.  Truly.  It was a real break down that called for medication and therapy.  Looking back now I realize two things.  One thing was at the time I had no prayer life.  None.  I went to mass once a week to check my box and that was it.  I was trying to prove my goodness and worth to everyone except to God.  That alone is a recipe for disaster.  Another thing was that I didn't want to ask my husband to do anything, ever.  I *did* ask on occasion but I felt like if he thought I couldn't "handle" these kids, this life, then he wouldn't let me home school or he wouldn't want more children (at the time we didn't practice NFP and didn't know the Church's teachings on artificial contraception - a story for another day).  I felt like society was judging me, just waiting for me to screw it all up so they could say "see, that's why people shouldn't have big families or home school or whatever."  It was a heavy burden at the tender age of 27.  Eventually after individual and marital counseling Jesse and I both learned that we had to work together as a team.  My VOCATION of wife and mother didn't end at 5pm and while Jesse's job ended at 5:00 his VOCATION as husband and father had only begun.  When he walked in the front door it was the start of second shift for both of us.  I had to lower my expectations and give up having the laundry folded "right" or the dishwasher loaded "correctly".  He had to give up working out at the gym, watching mindless television, and lots of his reading time but when we worked together then we both got down time after the kids were in bed.  We decided to spend that down time together doing things like playing games, taking walks, praying together, and taking walks.  Ultimately the biggest sacrifice was made by him.  We agreed, together, some years later to be open to God's will in regards to how many children we would have.  And while I sometimes whine about never finishing my degree or not having people at work to talk with in my heart I know it's really Jesse that gave up more.
 (Here are the youngest two at the park with daddy.  He could be on the computer or reading but instead he gave ME a break)

In the many years since my breakdown our children have grown to be beautiful teens and young adults.  While we have many little ones we now have many big ones, too, who have no issues picking up a wash rag, folding some laundry, or cleaning a bathroom.  When I think back to the "old days" and how I often felt like I was being crushed by expectations that I knew I could never meet I wonder what my "older" self would tell my younger self.....I think I could probably sum it up by saying
"Relax, God's got this".
A good lesson for me then and now. 

When Life Feels Normal Again {Joyful Monday}

When friends visit just because we're friends life feels normal.  When I can offer to lend a hand to a friend in need life feels normal.  When there's more laughter and less tears life feels normal again.

When it's the time to see not only the light but also the end of the tunnel life feels normal again.  When I can look back and be OK with God's Will, even though my heart still aches, life feels normal again.  I won't lie and say that the most recent baby lost isn't the last thing I think about before sleep and the first thing I think about as I wake up.  I won't say that I don't sometimes forget that I'm not pregnant anymore.  I can say that I'm connecting dots, being more accepting, and remembering to count the blessings not just once per day but twice or three times.  God does it so well, doesn't He?  He gives us what we need when we need it.  Not what we want but what we need.  And when I remember that it's then that I repeat "God is good ALL the time."

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy."
Psalm 30:11

Gratitude Sunday

It's SUNDAY already??? Time for some GRATITUDE! 
READY

SET

GO!!!!!

I don't think I say this enough but I'm grateful for our Parish.  The picture below is in our beautiful Mary Garden. The kids love it there.  More than the beauty of the outside of the church is the absolute LIFE and LOVE of the Parish Family.  The Holy Spirit is truly alive in these wonderful people and our Priests and Deacons are the best "shepherds" that a family could ask for.  I love it so much there which is good because next fall I will be there everyday except Saturday.  I was hoping Fr. Ed would let me pitch a tent on the grounds somewhere....

For the NEW market/coffee shop in our neighborhood!  Literally a block away, fully blessed by a local priest, and one of the employees is our very own Brandon!!  A kid of mine that can make fancy coffee makes me one happy mama!  Also, Brandon loves the job so much that after a long time of prayer and discernment he has decided to stay here in the fall.  He will attend a local college and continue working at the market.  This was a really tough decision for him but I know he came to it through prayer and we trust in God's Will for his life!  We are all thrilled that he will be here with us for a while longer.  We're selfish that way.

 

For silly pictures (above) and supportive grandparents (below).  Grandma got the first mocha after the blessing and grand opening at the market. Grandpa ordered the first sandwiches.

For big sisters who love on their little sisters and appreciate the value of every life.  It's been a long summer so far at our house but most of us have more smiles than tears and for that I'm grateful.  Have a great week everyone!!

"The art of deep seeing makes gratitude possible.  And it's the art of gratitude that makes joy possible.  Isn't joy the art of God?" - Ann Vaskomp

The Memorial of Veronica Ekblad

I can't remember what the Deacon said during the memorial but he was there.  He took time out of his busy day to drive 30 minutes to speak about a baby he never knew because a family that he hardly knows asked him to do it.

I don't know what I was expecting but I guess I didn't expect to see my baby's remains in a tiny box waiting....her soul is in heaven already, this I know, but to see the box there waiting to join the others, well, I didn't expect that.  It's interesting that the funeral home director drove her here in a van that's exactly like ours.  Just a thought I had as I saw the van and the box.....

The kids didn't bat and eye when I told them what we were doing today.  That we were going to celebrate the life of our baby, their sister, God's daughter.  They counted down the hours and put on their Sunday best.  They watched intently and listened with their hearts.

 

 

They boys were the pallbearers.  They got to hold their sister one time and place her gently with all the others.  A moment I'm sure I will never forget and I hope they won't either.

 

 

 

It barely happened and I don't remember all of it but I remember being surrounded by the love of friends and family.  People willing to interrupt their days, their work schedules, their lives to celebrate the short life of our baby girl.  This *is* the Body of Christ and the shelter that God speaks of. 

And now it's over.  Our baby's name will be engraved on the plaque with all the others and remembered by those who visit there.  A reminder that our baby lived if only for a short time.

"Cease your cries of mourning, wipe the tears from your eyes.  The sorrow you have shown shall have it's reward." (Jer. 31:16)