I used to shy away from the camera. Funny thing is that I weighed about 100lbs soaking wet then. Alas I thought I was ugly and didn't measure up to what the magazine covers and commercials told me was beautiful so I hid behind the camera. I did that for about 39 years. But now I know better. This summer I weighed in at my highest weight yet. I don't even remember what it was but if I did I would tell you. It was well over 200lbs and at some point I stopped letting them tell me my weight at the doctor's office. You know what, though? Just because I was enormous didn't mean I was a bad person. It didn't mean I was lazy or that I ate too much or that I wasn't worthy of love or respect. It didn't mean that my kids didn't or wouldn't love me. If I didn't allow pictures what it did mean was that my kids saw what I thought of myself. My girls wondered why and my boys saw a woman that was basing her worth on her weight.
So I stopped shying away from the pictures. A few days after Frances was born a friend came and took pictures of us. She came to the Baptism too. I usually hate Baptism pictures but this time I looked forward to them. Every pound, every stretch mark, every blemish on my skin and greying in my hair has come because I loved. I'm not saying that in a boastful way and I'm not saying that we don't have a responsibility to keep our bodies as healthy as we are able (my current "work out" is walking. The fresh air and sometimes prayer time and sometimes extra time with Jesse is so amazing). Our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit and I do take that seriously. I am saying that I have never and will never look like the cover of one of those magazines that, in the past, made me feel as if I didn't possess any beauty at all. When I think of beauty I think of a mother loving her child or a friend comforting a friend or someone who is feeding the poor. I know that's not the culture's view of beauty but it's mine and I want my kids to know how very much I love them. If I'm constantly BEHIND the camera they cannot see the love in my eyes or joy in my smile.
So what if I have I fat face or swollen hands or a million other imperfections that they will never see?
I regret my "no pictures" stance from the past.
Perhaps it's age that has made me not worry so much anymore. Or maybe it's circumstances or my relationship with Jesus or just the realization that what matters in life isn't your weight (duh) but how you love, who you love, and what you love. Above all else I want my children to know how very much I love them. I want them to feel it and, sometimes, I want them to see it.
