Suscipe {Take My Life}

 

For years my early morning prayer time began with the famous prayer attributed to St Ignatius of Loyola called Suscipe.  It begins "Take Lord and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will". My.entire.will.  My will that wants to run away from pain, fear, and adversity.  My will that wants to reject the suffering and pain that has encompassed our family the past year.  My will.  Not my will.  His.  

Our life out of hospital for the moment is settling into routine.  After recovering from influenza A we contracted rotavirus.  But today we are healthy, the sun was shining, it felt as warm as it can in February in Michigan, and six of the 9 who still live at home participated in an all day retreat for middle schoolers.  The older four helped facilitate the retreat and the teen/pre teen attended.  It felt "normal" even though it is not normal and we are facing a gaping hole of a future that we cannot see.  

"All I have and call my own.  You have given all to me."  Each moment we have as a family together, each moment we are allowed to live, to laugh, to cry, to serve.  All comes from Him.  We are owed none of it.  We deserve none of it.  But He has given all to me, to us.  The gifts, the pain, the sorrow, the joy.  All from Him.

"To You Lord, I return it.  Everything is Yours; do with it what You will."  It is not for me to question His methods.  I cannot see what He already knows.  My job is to surrender and trust and to give my children the resources to do the same.  I try, I fail, I try again.

"Give me only Your love and Your grace.  That is enough for me."  When I whisper these words my heart and soul are filled with a renewed hope.  A knowledge that this blip on a screen life is nothing compared to eternity.  That my only task in life is to get to Heaven and bring others with me.  

Today at the retreat Cecilia shared her story of surrendering to the will of God.  Unbeknownst to me she began with the Suscipe prayer.  The prayer that was a turning point for me, that continues to be a turning point for me every day of my life.  Every time I utter the words.  She says it better than I can.  I have linked her video below.

Upcoming dates include a check up with her oncologist this week.  I'm also chatting with St. Jude's Research Hospital and the Osteosarcoma Institute.   Cecilia is hitting her plant based diet hard.  Supplements continue.  Thank you for continued prayers as we inch ever closer to scan day (3/25) and live each day in a posture of surrender and trust.

Be It Done According To Your Word

 I talked to the NP today and the tumor board met.  They decided that the nodules are too small and in a location that makes it hard to justify and invasive surgery.  They also are unsure if the chemo is doing anything so they cannot justify more chemotherapy at this time.  What does this mean?  We wait another six weeks and rescan to see what's happening in the lungs at that time.  If no change we wait another six weeks and scan again.  This feels like both a relief and an absolute terror.  It's a very reasonable decision, it makes sense and it's also scary.  

She will continue to get labs until her electrolytes recover from the last chemo.  We will continue to pursue more natural ways of eradicating cancer from her body.  Most importantly we will continue to lay our worries and fears at the feet of Jesus.  We will also relish this time together as a family.  

The NP scheduled the scans for March 25 with no input from me.  The Feast of the Annunciation (and our Jude's birthday - named after the patron of impossible causes!).  We have expectant hope that this is the end we had envisioned in October of 2024.  We trust in God's Will and surrender to His plans.  

Thank you all for continued prayers and support!  We are praying for you!

Kenosis

 The scan results are a mixed bag.  Again no new growth in Cecilia's bones (praise God), again no new nodules seen (praise God), again nodules remain stable...not bigger but also not smaller.  The chemo seems to be keeping them at bay but not killing them.  And here we are again in a place that requires discernment, research, and prayer.  

This month for the book club I'm in we are reading The Father's Tale .  It is a novel about a man in search of his son who has disappeared from college and seems to have been abducted.  The father goes in relentless search of his son traveling to far off places following weak trails.  At one point a friend asks him if he gets discouraged by all the dead ends.  His answer is exactly what is on my heart as we continue to travel this cancer road.

"At times it is discouraging", Alex said. "But, strangely, I am growing used to it.  As if I have come through a barrier and am breathing an atmosphere I did not know existed.  This new world is dangerous - but it is alive.  It is like a leap from a bridge.  Yes, like that, I feel as if I'm falling - falling in a slow arc through the sky.  Beneath me is a river, swift and deep.  What awaits me beneath the surface, I cannot say - either life or death, I do not know.  It is not for me to know.  It seems this is what God wants for me now."

His friend responds that this mystery is known as kenosis.  One becomes empty and poor, and in that state the kingdom of Heaven is given to you.

It would be a bold untruth to say the kingdom of Heaven has been given to me.  But in this state of the continuous unknown as our lives now resemble less and less what they once were just a year ago I feel encompassed by a grace and a peace.  I am able to speak what is in my mind and on my heart in ways that I never could before.  My fear of loss of control has been obliterated.  I never had control to begin with.  All is grace.  All is God.  

Just as the Israelites wandered through the desert for 40 years before arriving in the Promised Land we will continue in trust and hope on this cancer journey.   The Israelites were provided for but their answer was long fought for and long awaited.  Our answer, our Promised Land, will be the same.  

The tumor board meets tomorrow to yet again discuss what they believe is the best path for Cecilia.  Then we will discuss what Cecilia believes is the best path.  

Jesse is recovered from his kidney stones.  As Influenza A left the building the norovirus entered so we are cycling through that as well this week.  Gratefully Cecilia has not gotten sick and her blood levels are rising in all the good ways.  Thank you for prayers!

I do not know what is next.  Either surgery or more chemo or both.  Cancer still resides here teaching us lessons perhaps we needed but never wanted.   In the meantime we wait patiently for the Lord.

 

Hope Does Not Disappoint {The Fruits of Suffering, Updates, and Prayer Requests}

 "Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us" Romans 5:3-5 

This week marks one year since we found out about Cecilia's cancer.  I remember sitting in the worship space at St. Patrick's in Brighton (for our Encounter School class) when the results of her simple knee x-ray came through.  I expected it to say a sprain or something similar.  Instead it said "recommend oncology consult".  I furiously texted my son in law for clarification.  Didn't oncology mean cancer?  It seemed an unbelievable leap from a sore knee to cancer.  As the days and weeks passed that unbelievable became our reality.  The "fix" seemed treacherous but worth it if after 10 months Cecilia would be cancer free.  I had no idea what lay ahead for her or for our family.  The journey has been more than the original treacherous I originally thought it would be.  Amidst all the pain, suffering, anxiety and unknown we have also experienced buckets and buckets of grace.  We continue to have HOPE.  We know God has a glorious plan for us all and especially for Cecilia.  We trust Him.  And we continue to count our blessings as our 10 month journey spans into multiple years.

Today I come to you again with prayer requests.  Cecilia's levels are steadily dropping and as we head into the weekend we just ask for protection over her health.  With the multitude of sicknesses going around, and our family cannot seem to stay healthy this year, she is very susceptible to all of it especially with an immune system that is lacking in the immune part.  

Cecilia's scans are Monday, February 10.  We are asking for all signs of cancer in her lungs and her entire body to be gone.  As that day approaches we ask for peace for her and for all of us.

Jesse's kidney stones returned this morning as well.  So we ask for healing for him.  We may be heading to the ER for him soon.

Finally Cecilia texted me last night and requested that I ask you all to pray for the intercession of Our Lady of Lourdes for her (Feast Day 2/11) and that I include this prayer from Padre Pio for you to pray for her and all those who are suffering and sick in any way.  I pray this prayer most mornings after liturgy of the hours morning prayer.  I replace the word "me" with Cecilia's name and anyone else who I know is in need of healing prayer.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for loving me.
I thank you for sending your Son,
Our Lord Jesus Christ, to the world to save and to set me free.
I trust in your power and grace that sustain and restore me.
 
Loving Father,
touch me now with your healing hands,
for I believe that your will is for me to be well in mind, body, soul and spirit.
Cover me with the most precious blood of your Son,
our Lord, Jesus Christ from the top of my head to the soles of my feet.
Cast anything that should not be in me.
Root out any unhealthy and abnormal cells.
Open any blocked arteries or veins and rebuild and replenish any damaged areas.
Remove all inflammation and cleanse any infection
by the power of Jesus’ precious blood.
Let the fire of your healing love pass through my entire body
to heal and make new any diseased areas
so that my body will function the way you created it to function.
Touch also my mind and my emotion,
even the deepest recesses of my heart.
 
Saturate my entire being with your presence,
love, joy and peace and draw me ever closer to you every moment of my life.
And Father, fill me with your Holy Spirit
and empower me to do your works
so that my life will bring glory and honour to your holy name.
I ask this in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.
 
Amen.

Finally, I started listening to a new podcast by Rachel Herbeck called Burning Hearts.  I just felt called to share it here.  It's generally around 10 - 15 minutes and is so very powerful (and a great way to start the day for me!).  You can find the page HERE.  The podcast is available on Apple, Spotify as well as other platforms.