Each morning the children and I read a story about the Saint of the Day. Just short sketches of a life lived so well that they have been proclaimed Saints by the Church. When I read the stories I often feel like Jo March from Little Women. She was always wishing that she was somewhere else doing great things like the people she met or read about in a book. Of course from the outside Jo's life looked pretty darn cool to me.
Around 3:30 this morning as I counted the hours I hadn't slept, again, and as I patted a fussy baby I wondered when I would begin MY adventures or am I just a housekeeper, cook, driver, teacher, mother, and wife who will never have an adventure worthy of Sainthood. In the last few weeks I've had the delight of attending a daily mass on Wednesday mornings when I take Hannah to violin. It's easy and convenient and usually only requires that I bring the baby and maybe a couple of other kids with me. I "attend" from the cry room/confessional mostly, watching through a window in the dark. Still....the graces are amazing. I dream of the day when I can attend mass daily. Maybe that's when my adventure will begin? If only there weren't these mountains of laundry and piles of dishes maybe I could hear God's Will and do it.
So in that pre dawn meditation I wished that I could be the saint that lived in a cave (with wifi and coffee, of course) or the sister that sits with Jesus in adoration all day instead of hear saying broken rosaries that take an entire day to get through. If only I could sleep one full night (or like 2 hours uninterrupted) THEN I could really contribute to the Body of Christ that I hear all about. Deciding that I think too much (shocking, I know) I opened up my daily devotions from the Diary of St. Faustina to find this (bold writing are words spoken by Jesus to St. Faustina) :
"Today after Holy Communion, the Lord told me, My daughter, My delight is to unite Myself with you. It is when you submit yourself to My will that you give Me the greatest glory and draw down upon yourself a sea of blessings. I would not take such special delight in you if you were not living by My will (Diary, 954).
February 15, 1937. Today, I heard these words in my soul: Host, pleasing to My Father, know, My daughter, that the entire Holy Trinity finds Its special delight in you, because you live exclusively by the will of God. No sacrifice can compare with this (Diary, 955).
O my sweet Guest, I am prepared for all sacrifices for Your sake, but You know that I am weakness itself. Nevertheless, with You I can do all things. O my Jesus, I beseech You, be with me at each instant (Diary, 954)."
After many years of being caught between the world's idea of the appropriate number of children to have and trying to discern God's will for our family we somehow ended up here - with a dozen kids. So there it was - this family for us is what we believe is God's will for our lives. If that's true (and I hope it is!) then all that goes with raising an extra large family is not my road block to sainthood but could maybe be my path to sainthood. While I've spent time counting down the days until I can feed the hungry or cloth the naked I've actually been feeding the hungry AND clothing the naked (who then remove their clothes over and over again). While I've lamented for days and weeks on end that if only this or that trial wasn't there THEN I could really be a good disciple of Christ, it's those very trials that have repeatedly brought me to my knees and up on the cross as close to Jesus as I can get on this earth.
In my earlier mothering days after I returned to the Catholic Church in a real way I used to feel bitter about standing in the back of the church or, worse yet, outside of the church during mass. That no longer bothers me. We get to church and I pray I'll get through the opening hymn and then I'm usually in the back. I'm not sure what else one could expect with 6 kids 7 and under and many other kids besides. So I had to change my mind and decide that my vocation requires that I stand in the back with an active toddler or change a diaper or nursing a baby. And that's ok. In fact I believe it's pleasing to God.
With today's technology I am able to listen to the Divine Office of Readings multiple times a day, stream a rosary through my van speakers. The daily gospel reading and Saint of the Day are at my fingertips through multiple sources (most of which are free). And while there's little chance I will ever get through any of those things uninterrupted I can get through them. It's all I have to offer to God right now. I believe as long as our focus is on doing His will then He will make a way for us. I once read that St. John Paul II used to read, attend a meeting, and pray a rosary at the same time. I felt pretty good about that since that is the only way I will ever get anything done and retain any kind of prayer time.
This weekend Jesse and I attended a fabulous conference and one thing that the speaker reminded me of was to constantly refocus my mind on Jesus. In our home we have a crucifix in most rooms and religious artwork on many walls. Refocusing on Him isn't too hard here. Out in the worlds it's a little harder for me. I try to remember to grab my crucifix that I wear around my neck or close my eyes and see His face when I get frustrated with a child, a situation, or someone that I don't even know. Another thing we were reminded of was to ask God this "what are You trying to teach me in this situation?". Refocusing not only on Jesus and the cross but on the life God has asked me to live is an invaluable resource that's right at my fingertips and only requires a change of heart and mind.
Like Jo March at the end of Little Women I had to figure out that the adventures I am looking for aren't "out there" at all. When Jo tried to write about things that she thought would sell she failed. When she wrote about the life God had given her, people loved it and this many years later it's still a cherished work.
One thing people ask me about often when they find out I have 12 children is about "missed opportunities". What about dance classes and soccer year round or a car when they are 16 or their own rooms...the list goes on and on and on. I must admit to a pang of guilt when I think of some of those things. What if the kids *could* have been a great dancer or soccer player but we didn't have the resources to nurture that gift? Then I remember those are the lies that satan tells us. The TRUTH tells us that with God all things are possible and if He wills it then He will make a way. In our control freak society we believe that WE are in control when, in fact, we are not. What we can control, however, is whether or not we listen to the urging of the Holy Spirit and discern God's will in all things no matter how small or insignificant they seem at the time. Worry, fear and doubt are a tool of the evil one to keep us off that path to Sainthood.
So I offer this day to the Lord and all that comes with it. And tomorrow I will offer tomorrow. And so on. I can't promise a full rosary without interruption or doing community service at a soup kitchen but I can promise to do my best to serve those that God has given me to serve. With Heaven and the words I long to hear which are "well done good and faithful servant" as my ultimate goal I will dust off my knees as often as I must, get up, and start again wishing only to do the will of God. In the end, for me, humility is needed because those big adventures can attract big focus and praise that a stay at home mom in the drudgery of the day is not going to get. There's nothing spectacular about changing 20 diapers a day or doing the dishes or sweeping a floor. At least not in the world's eyes. But when we view it as God's will then who needs the world or their praises?
"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world--the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does--comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. "
1 John 15-17
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