My 1990 model washing machine up and died last week. It had an agitator and was a loyal companion for me and our many loads of laundry a day family. Not a digital button on it, dials that clicked. It was simple. I'm simple. It dutifully washed diapers and sheets and towels and clothes chugging along every day for hours a day. As I perused websites for washing machines I was overwhelmed by the fancy options. My only requirements for the new washer were that it be cheap and a top loader. And available. The thought of not having a washer for the weekend was a bit overwhelming since I'm completely type A and laundry is built in to my rigid household maintenance routine (kudos to my friends who don't own their own machines. You're awesome!). So with the help of Jesse and my parents we found a new machine with a low price tag, knobs and not buttons, and it's a top loader. By just after sun down on Friday Jesse had it running. The inside is HUGE. What used to take my old faithful two or even three wash cycles takes this washer only one. And it spins out the water like no tomorrow. The dryer is hardly necessary. Old faithful is still in the garage until the garbage comes tomorrow and I'm a lot sad to see it go but hanging on to something from the 90's that doesn't work hardly seems practical. Since I overthink most things I was relating that last sentence to much of the rest of my life. Old ideas and lies and misconceptions that I've held on to for the last 20 years or more. Life experience, greater understanding of human nature, and truly accepting Jesus into my heart has allowed me to become a new creation in Christ. I hear the old should peel off and the new is there but my brain doesn't work that way. Comparisons to others and holding myself to unrealistic standards has snuffed out so much of my life. Bringing the past and fears of the future into the present has damaged my relationships with God and others. Why do I keep holding on to things from the past that didn't work then and certainly don't work now? Like old faithful those things need to sit in the garage until garbage day and then be hauled away forever.
Today Jesse and I had another opportunity to see our newest blessing via ultra sound. This was a much longer procedure since it was the "big" one. We saw fingers and toes and four chambers in the heart. We saw eyes and a nose and a mouth. Baby is a boy and will be named Jude in honor of the day Jesse and I were married (the Feast of St.'s Jude and Simon). St. Jude is the patron of lost and hopeless causes. I had no idea that our wedding was on that day but as the years played out it's obvious poor St. Jude had to work overtime to make things work for us.
(Celebrating our 21st wedding anniversary last month)
Next weekend Hannah is getting married. Brandon and Rose are coming into town and it will be a flurry of activity, emotions, and celebration. I haven't completely grasped the enormity of parenting an extra large family that keeps growing. The logistics are easier but the finer details are harder for me to execute. Different perspectives and personalities, experiences and expectations can make things seem too overwhelming to deal with. That's usually when I fall into the rut of the past, I see the negatives, and the parts that satan wants me to remember. But Christ makes all things new and everyday is another opportunity to get up and try again. I was comfortable with my tiny washing machine but allowing a new one in has made things easier for me. Letting go of the past always opens up the present.
Laying on that ultra sound table today I kept thinking how I never thought I would be there again. But there I was watching a very busy baby dance around. I came home to bigger kids clamoring for pictures of their new brother. Advent begins the day after Hannah starts her new life. It's an opportunity for all of us to begin again as we await the Light of the World. Life is never easy and memories creep in because that's how our human brains work but when we fill our minds with enough of His Word and truly put Him on the throne of our hearts it's much easier to let it all go. A few years ago I never thought I would be celebrating my marriage or having more babies. I'm aware some roads are broken and don't end like we want them to. Those are detours. But I believe that keeping our eyes on Him will always lead us to better things.
