The priest patiently listened to my confession and must have picked up on my interior struggle of wondering “why am I a jerk?”. I don’t WANT to be a jerk. I want to be the woman God made me to be. I want to be the wife my husband deserves and the mother that my children deserve. The priest looked me in the eye and said “You know it’s ok to say no to the old man inside of us.” I had heard this phrasing before, of course, in the Bible, and in some of my favorite Christian music, but I had never really meditated on the meaning.
When I hear about the “old man inside of me” I literally see this tiny old man residing somewhere in the corner of my heart waiting to strike at any perceived slight, any temptation, any hair trigger moment. I can hear him cackling and telling me how I’ve failed, yet again, to show the charity that I profess to believe in towards another hurting person. I find that the old man especially shows up in arguments in my marriage which is the very place I need to silence him the most.
“So I find it to be law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand” Romans 21
Our desire to do the right thing *feels* good! It’s like how it feels good to gaze on a beautiful piece of artwork or to drink down an iced cold glass of water on a sweltering day. But desiring right and doing it are two very different things. Often my intentions resemble me looking at that ice cold glass of water on that hot day from across the room. I know it would feel good to drink it and it would nourish me but I just can’t get to where it is.
I wonder what telling that old man “no” should look like. How do I get from the couch to where the glass of water is? I think it starts with small steps. Swallowing words that may be valid but aren’t kind or helpful to the situation. When we try to see the interior hurt of a person instead of perceiving their actions towards us as being personal. When we decide to make a change, to tell the old man no, Satan will surely put obstacles in our way. The only way to combat those obstacles is to stay in the Word. Read scripture, meditations, know your Bible, repent and start again every single day. In the end that glass of water on the hot day will quench our human thirst but Jesus says He is the Living Water (John 4:14) And it is only through Him that we can squash the old man for good.
