"What style is good for someone who always looks pregnant?" I asked her as we browsed through the clothes at Target. "Um, self esteem." came the answer from the 19 year old daughter who really should be my mother instead of the other way around. She's so right. I have none. Self esteem was stripped from me decades ago never to return, at least not in the way I feel like it should. Sure, I've tried all of the usual things - finding my worth in Christ, knowing I'm made in the image and likeness of Him, believing I am a princess and daughter of the King. I get it...intellectually. But in a world that is plastered with "ideals" (none of which are actually real) it's hard to hold your head high when you are real.
Jesse and I have been blessed with 7 daughters. I wonder if they see it. I wonder if they see how I hang my head in a shameful manner when I look in the mirror. I want them to have a different path than I did. I want them to feel beautiful, to KNOW that they are beautiful, even in a hospital gown, pajamas, old, out of style clothing. I haven't the slightest idea how to foster that. I think of some of the Sisters that we have been blessed to know. I see that it doesn't matter what they wear on the outside but WHO they wear on the inside. Their JOY is abundantly clear and it comes from their relationship with Jesus. Can that be taught to the likes of me at age 42?
The very first thing that I did after my last two d and c's was look to see if my stomach was gone. Ridiculous. But it's true. As if the one hour of no baby residing there made a difference to my made to carry babies uterus. Part of it, of course, is that the reminder of what was and is no longer is painful. Another part is people asking me when I'm due or if I'm pregnant. But mostly I view my body as a failure. You see, I'm a perfectionist. I have an ideal in mind, like it or not, for myself (I do not have this standard for others) and I don't even come close to meeting that standard. My lack of "self esteem style" prohibits my ability to make friends, reach out to others, and a number of other things on an everyday basis. I suppose most of us struggle in one way or another with this issue.
We used to watch that TV show The Biggest Loser. I remember when the contestants started out they were often down on themselves and life in general. By the end they seemed to be different people. On the outside. I wondered if they made internal transformations. And, if so, did it stick? Did they suddenly have self esteem style? I'm sure they felt better as they were healthier in general but did their hearts change? As a Christian I don't think we can separate the physical from the spiritual so both must change for the change to *stick*.
I think what I'm figuring out is that my body looks exactly as it should. I've had 12 babies and many miscarriages. I've been nursing for decades. Sure there are others, many, who have done the same and look different than I do but I am not them. God made me to look this way. I need to accept it and somehow learn to love it. I exercise and eat well. I care for the body that God gave me. But I don't love it. And that, I'm afraid, is what my daughters will see.
In my recent Lenten study one quote really hit me hard. Something I am trying to practice as much as possible.
"Extend kindhearted mercy, first, to yourself. And then, be generous with mercy towards others."
Elizabeth Foss
What a concept. I tend to do the opposite. But what I'm learning is that you can't truly be merciful to others if you don't extend yourself at least a little bit of mercy. And, so, I confess these depths of my heart to you all now because tomorrow is Divine Mercy Sunday. For the longest time I thought that mercy was wonderful but not intended for the likes of me. After much prayer, self examination, and reading 33 Days to Merciful Love I think that mercy is meant for us ALL. God truly desires our hearts. I cannot give my heart to God if I think I am not worth giving. Self esteem is so cliché to me. Perhaps it's been over done by all the psychologists telling us how to not ruin our kids by over praising and under praising. I don't know. But mercy has meaning. And mercy towards one's self seems to be key (at least for me) to accepting that what I look like on the outside isn't nearly as important as what is happening on the inside. So my style from now on will be mercy style.
"But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
1 Samuel 16:7
And so my conversion continues. St. Augustine says that conversion is a life long process. Not a once and done kind of thing. That's hard to swallow for a perfectionist like myself but I know it's true. I'm grateful for reset buttons (like the Sacrament of Reconciliation) and for the mercy that others so regularly extend to me.
Back to Target. I tried on clothes right there in the aisles (over my existing clothing). I found something that I loved, something that I would normally say would only look good on someone else, and I bought it. I wanted a reminder of that day, that time when the one I should be leading led me to a greater awareness that I am worth more than how I perceive that I look and that I am worth receiving mercy.
