Photo of the Day

We're so proud of Katie who has learned to knit.  It's something I've always wanted to learn but haven't yet. 

Trust and Joy

I've been reading the fabulous book "1000 Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are".  I highly recommend it.  It's taking me a long time to read because I'm trying to absorb every word, every story, and every meaning.  I'm trying to apply the principles to my life as best I can.  I just finished reading the chapter on trust.  It talks about how to be truly joyful we must trust.  At first I thought "well, that's easy.  I trust God" but then I looked deeper.  While I *do* trust in God do I really trust Him?  And what about Jesse?  Do I trust him?  Or anyone, really?  I've long since known that I have trust issues with most (all?) people.  Has that fact alone sucked the joy out of my life?  And if so, how do I go about learning to trust?  I've been wrestling with these thoughts for the past couple of days.  What causes the inability to trust in some people?  Is it their past?  Well, surely many people who trust have had worse pasts than I have.  Is it perspective?  Fear?  Low self esteem?  Is it different for everyone?  I find that I especially wrestle with trust when I am pregnant.  I've said before that I tend to see myself as a "human doing" and not a "human being".  I like to give instead of receive.  I like to do and do and do for my family and for others as much as possible.  When I am sick and pregnant I am (mostly) unable to do that.  It is in those times that my friends and family do for me.  Over do, if you ask me.  Then I feel guilty.  I don't trust that they will love me when I cannot do for them.  I don't trust that Jesse will love me when I put on several pounds/week.  If I don't look good and I don't feel good then what *good* am I, anyway?   I have found that since I had my miscarriages I also don't trust my body to carry a healthy baby to term.  So much distrust and so little joy.  How can there be joy when you're just waiting for someone to betray you?  Or when you feel like maybe you don't deserve to be loved or cared for.  My whole life I've looked around me and felt that I've fallen short.  I never did get that degree, I never made more than a few thousand dollars in a year, I've long since lost my youthful body type and the energy that goes with it.  Do those things leave me with an inability to trust?  Those are the questions that I'm wrestling with right now.  Once again I find my inspiration in the crucifix.  We have one in nearly every room of our house.  I look at them and think of how Jesus trusted that He would rise again.  He trusted fully in God even if he was fearful at times Matthew 26:39 says "Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will."  I will continue to search for the answer to my questions.  A lifetime of being unable to trust surely cannot be undone in a day or two.  Pray for me and for the answers that I seek. 

Gratitude Sunday

So much to be grateful for again this week.  Topping the list is this wonderfully smelling bar of soap that I got in the mail yesterday.  It was a surprise from a friend and is very much appreciated.  It's amazing how something new like this can brighten up the kitchen just by being there.  I imagine it's the thoughtfulness that came with it.  Every time I look at it I am honored to know that someone thought of me.

Shoes have become an important part of Clare's everyday life now that she's a walker.  I love seeing her little feet move across the room.  The look on her face when she makes it from point A to point B without falling is priceless.  It's funny the things I take for granted that little ones feel a huge accomplishment in doing. 

And last but not least I'm very grateful for discovering the black cherry smoothie from Panera Bread!  It's the perfect thing to soothe my stomach and give me a lift when I need it.  Jesse has promised to try and recreate it so I can have one whenever I want.

Have a blessed week everyone!  My dad promised me a big snow storm.  I hope he's right!!

Last Night I Realized

The last few months I've really felt like I'm losing it.  I mean really losing it.  I'm tired, can't keep up with much of anything, I feel completely inadequate.  Then I realized that I’ve been pregnant 7 times in four years, I have 4 kids 5 and under.  Even when we had all little kids they weren’t that close together.  And I’m old.  So, I need to re-examine my priorities, I guess.  I think because the big kids are getting bigger things should be getting easier but really I have more little kids now then we ever did.  And less energy…..Still, I hate the mess and chaos.  I’ll have to work on that one.

It's the Little Things

I love when my kids think of me when they are out.  Here are Hannah and Owen on their way to the March for Life.  This sign reminded them of me.  Isn't that sweet???

Today

Morning prayer, dishes, laundry, diapers, nursing, schooling, violin, read alouds, talking, listening, playing, clean up, mess up, laundry, laundry, laundry.  Grateful, grateful, grateful. Rosy cheeks

on a cold girl bring a smile to my face. 

Siblings building lifelong memories warms my heart.

I will take it one dish at a time, one request at a time, one moment at a time.  If I look at the big picture, at every little crumb, at the mounds of laundry, the piles that have grown since my morning sickness began I will get overwhelmed and frustrated.  I will remember I'm growing a baby, and a family, and raising souls for God.  I will relish in my warm house, my silly kids, my hard working husband, my parents and my grandma always there to lend a hand.  The piles of work will be there tomorrow too. They will shrink and grow, shrink and grow.  I'll keep up as best I can.

What Might Not Have Been

I say this not to hurt those that have chosen differently than I did.  I say this to inspire those that still have a choice to make.  The picture above represents my life.  A life that might not have been had I chosen differently.  I didn't choose life because I was necessarily pro life.  In fact, just a few months before I got pregnant with Brandon I wrote a paper supporting the Roe Vs. Wade decision.  No matter how many times I have slammed the door in God's face He has always been there with His Hand on my shoulder to guide me.  He's there for all of us, of course, no matter what we do in our lives.  I don't know why He guided me the way He did.  I didn't deserve it at all.  I will be eternally grateful for the guidance and the blessings He has given me.  The three older kids went to the March for Life this year.  They didn't call each other or plan to meet up.  But they literally ran into each other at random at the Shrine of the Immaculate Conception.  A photo below shows Mother Teresa and on the right you can see Brandon walking.  Hannah took the picture and didn't know Brandon was there at the time.  Amongst more than 300,000 people my kids ran into each other.  What might not have been has become more than I could have ever dreamed.  Thank you, God.

Please know that if you're hurting after an abortion this is grace, forgiveness and healing available.  You should not suffer in silence.  One great resource is SILENT NO MORE.  God bless you.

Gratitude Sunday

No pictures today.  I've been in bed sick.  I missed Mass for the first time in nearly six years.  Still much to be grateful for.

For Jesse holding down the fort and then some.  With Hannah and Owen gone to the March for Life he's remembering what it's like to parent six kids 10 and under with no back up.  And he has to answer my text messages which read "I'm hungry" every hour or so.  He also managed to take all the kids to Mass by himself this morning.  So God bless him!

For the Internet.  Even though I'm not feeling well I was able to do a little bit of work thanks to a laptop and wifi.  I'm also able to ask for and receive prayers with just a touch of the keyboard.  I  learn so much about my Faith via social networking sites like Facebook.  All the articles I could ever want in one spot.  A silly thing to be grateful for, maybe, but I am anyway.

For kids who love me so much that they want to "visit" me every five minutes or so.  For the one who gave me his balloon animal that he got at the restaurant this morning.  For the one who comes in for a hug and goes running for whatever I need.

Back to resting my eyes now.  I hope your Sunday was blessed and your week will be too!

A Saturday Daybook

This morning I woke up to a fantastic fancy caramel coffee (decaf) that Jesse made for me.

Outside my window snow is softly falling.  It's cold (very cold) and grey.

Inside I hear the dishwasher humming, the wash machine running, and silence (thanks to the kids hanging out at my mom's for a little bit).

I am reading Motherless by Brian Gail.  It is the sequel to Fatherless and is hard to put down. 

Today I am thinking about the fact that it's the 38th Anniversary of Roe vs. Wade and am troubled by so many murdered babies and ruined mothers and fathers all in the name of "choice".  I mourn for the babies and for the mothers who were talked into killing their own babies.  I am grateful for campaigns like Silent No More where these mothers and fathers can go and be healed. 

We are preparing for Hannah and Owen to head out to the March for Life in Washington DC.  We are so proud of their sacrifice.

The highlight of my week was watching Sam, Jackson, and Owen bowling yesterday at a friend's birthday party.  The pure joy that Sam exhibited every time he threw (and I mean THREW) the ball made my heart swell.

For dinner we are having homemade chicken noodle soup and egg salad. 

I feel a little better and a little stronger everyday.  Soon the first trimester will pass.  I cannot wait to feel this little one moving around in there.

Hope

This morning in my news feed on Facebook was this article about something so horrific I would never want to think about it.  As I read it I cried, hard, and it cast a shadow over my whole day.  I was short with the kids and couldn't do my normal work without breaking down and thinking about how many babies die this way that we don't even know about.  For a few hours I lost hope.  I lost my focus.  I had to get back to my gratitude list and to seeing the beauty around me.  I had to remember that I cannot save the world.  I can, however, care for the children that God has given me.  I can give them the tools to go out into the world and make it a better place.  In just a few days Brandon, Hannah, and Owen will head off for the March for Life in Washington DC.  Brandon has been many times and will go with Franciscan this year.  Hannah and Owen will go on a bus with a local Pro Life group (and a wonderful friend that has agreed to go with them).  I must admit I've had moments of panic about sending them without me.  Brandon was a tad older when he went for the first time.  But in my heart I know they will be fine.  They are going in the name of the millions of babies killed by abortion each year. They are going in the name of all of the mothers and fathers that have been sold a bill of goods that it's a blob of tissue, not a big deal, or for the best.  I couldn't be more proud of my kids. They're sacraficing sleep, money, and time for a bigger cause.  They give me hope.  And so as I sit here listening to Third Day Radio on Pandora I am once again filled with gratitude, love, compassion, and mostly hope. 

Gratitude Sunday

It's been quite a week filled with much to be grateful for in our house. I've started a gratitude list, of sorts, as suggested in the book 1000 Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are. I highly recommend this book. It was very eye opening for me to see that when I say "I'm grateful for what I have" but then go on to complain about something silly like a hole in my sock or a small stain on the rug. I wasn't appreciating all that God has given me from the crunchy sound that the snow makes to the wide eyed 2 year old telling me, in great detail, about her fall from the bunk bed ladder. I was often anxious to get on to the next thing, the next hour, the next day. I spent time thinking about when the kids were grown and wondered if I'd finally get that trip to the Holy Land or Rome that I'm told is so amazing. I still long for the trips and for a sliver of peace and quiet each evening but I see now that to be truly grateful I must appreciate what's happening right now. It's all in God's plan - the now, the moments, and they are all fleeting. Wide eyed toddlers grow up too fast. And so I have my list. It's on the counter where I can get to it easily. I may have to get another notebook to keep upstairs. So much to be grateful for if we stop and take notice. I hope this new habit will reshape who I am and change my sometimes (often?) pessimistic attitude.

As for today.......

I came down to Jesse making my favorite (decaf) caramel coffee from a Starbuck's recipe that he found. It was a fabulous way to wake up!

The middle kids (Katie, Jackson, Sam, and Mary) have been playing doll house non stop for the past couple of days. It's fun to listen to them interact with each other in doll voices.

We got lots of snow dumped on us in the past week. I am really enjoying it and so are the kids. Today Jesse took them outside to build a snow slide. Mary's face, full of joy, says it all.

Arms, Legs, Feet, and Wings

Sometimes God overwhelms me with a flurry of grace and blessings all in the same day. As I drove to the OB this morning through the beautiful and peaceful falling snow I had hopes for the day. I hoped I would see a beating heart again on the ultra sound screen. God answered that prayer and one upped me (as usual) and I saw arms and legs too. No squirming just yet. Just a peaceful baby with a beating heart and arms and legs that will carry him (used generically here) through life. When the Dr. left the room the image was still on the screen. I stared in awe that just two weeks ago we saw a heartbeat but not much else and now this tiny baby the size of a raspberry has limbs! He has much more, I know, but the limbs were hard to miss. I praised God and went about my morning of grocery shopping and picking up a few of the kids from their Atrium class. I arrived home to the news that Clare had been walking! Really walking! "She walked across the whole room!" they cheered. The look on my face prompted them to say "we video taped it". Of course they did. They're like little parents. As excited as I am about their sibling's first steps. They showed me the video and then surrounded the ultra sound picture pointing out the baby's head, arms, and legs. What a day. As I shopped this morning I bought lots of goodies to send back to school with Brandon. He leaves on Sunday. He has wings to fly now. Not too far, not too fast, and not without checking in with us every now and again but he has wings none the less. Not so long ago *he* was the one with the brand new arms and legs. He was the one taking his first steps. Now off he goes to start his second semester of college. As a young mom I thought those firsts would last forever. I thought the DAYS would last forever. I now know every moment is fleeting. It's over as soon as it begins. A baby tucked safely inside of me today will soon be taking his first steps and then going to college. I will cherish these moments. I will stop to thank God. I will remember what's really important and be grateful for it.

Here's a picture of Brandon and Sam on Christmas Day. Brandon spent his entire Christmas afternoon building this for Sam.

Unplanned

I'll never forget the first time I heard about Abby Johnson.  I was standing in my kitchen making breakfast listening to Teresa Tomeo like every morning.  The kids were busy (and loud) and I heard Teresa mention something about Abby being an ex Planned Parenthood worker.  I shushed the kids and listened to the story.  Abby had worked at Planned Parenthood for 8 years doing various jobs and eventually becoming the director of her clinic.  She had a good heart and truly thought the ideals of Planned Parenthood was to make abortion rare by educating women on things like contraception.  A series of events led to that faithful day when the clinic was short staffed and she had to help with an ultra sound guided abortion.  Watching the 13 week old baby try and wriggle away from the abortion suction was enough to send her over the edge.  She couldn't conceive of working there any longer.  After I heard Teresa Tomeo tell the story I remember whispering "praise God" and then going about my day praying for Abby.  I couldn't imagine what courage it would take to walk away from a situation like that.  A year plus after I first heard of Abby I've been  following her story via facebook and Catholic Radio.  Her book Unplanned was released this week and I bought it last night.  It's incredibly captivating.  I could not put it down.  I must admit that I was humbled to read about both sides of the story.  The pro life groups that protest at many Planned Parenthood's and what actually goes on inside a Planned Parenthood.  It was eye opening (for me) to learn that many of these workers truly feel they are helping women.  That they are saving them from unwanted children.  I was not surprised to learn that Planned Parenthood is struggling financially and their abortion quotas have been raised.  I highly, highly, highly recommend this book to anyone whether you are pro choice, pro life, or somewhere in between.  It's a story of amazing courage and was beyond inspiring!!

Let It Snow

I never get sick of it.  I love the snow.  I love the cold.  I wish I could roll in it.  Yes, I'm serious.  I get so excited when I hear it might snow.  The kids don't even go to school yet I peruse the local news websites to see if there might be a school day.  I turn the outdoor lights on so I can watch it snow.  To me snow represents purity, peace, and outside time for the kids!  Oh, and when I'm feeling less pukey it means hot chocolate! 

Gratitude Sunday

As I lay on the couch for what seemed like a million hours feeling extremely sick, I watched Mary twirling in her pretty dress.  She then made a new seat out of an upside down stool.  I am grateful for a 3 year old girl with the blond curls and the blue eyes and who can always make me smile.

And for the daughter who bakes and cleans and asks me fifty times a day "can I do anything for you?"  Today she made orange chocolate chip muffins. 

And for an abundance of food literally at my fingertips as I wade through days and weeks of morning sickness.  For the son who photographs everything in the house (including this bowl of fruit).  He adds all kinds of special effects.  For all of this  I am, indeed, grateful.

Reflecting On What's Inside

I went to IKEA the other day and bought these great boxes to hide the "stuff" on my desk. Within a few minutes the mess and chaos was neatly contained in a black and white striped box. As I was admiring it last night and thinking about how I don't have to even think about what's in there until it's time to pay bills or the box gets too full I started thinking about how much emphasis our society places on what things look like on the outside. If someone came into my house and saw mounds of stuff surrounding my desk and maybe piled on the floor it would look messy. It might make people think I'm a bad housekeeper or disorganized. But as soon as I put that stuff in a nice box it suddenly looks neat and orderly. How often do we look at people and assume if they look "good" on the outside then they must be good on the inside? We assume people with fancy homes, nice cars, and expensive clothing must have perfect lives. We look at people who don't "measure up" to what's considered attractive enough or skinny enough and think they must feel bad or even that they *are* bad. I have judged myself harshly for the way I look for years now. After all these babies, pregnancies, and other health problems I'm anything but cover model material. I look at myself in the mirror and see someone that isn't worth loving. But when I judge myself by the way I look on the outside I forget that what's important is what's on the inside. We are all made in the image and likeness of God. Therefore, no matter how we look we are a reflection of God. When I judge myself by how I look it makes my insides ugly. It brings me down, makes me feel worthless and unlovable. That attitude reflects in how I act, how I speak, and how I treat others. I have spent a decent amount of time (not a ton because I just don't have that kind of time) worrying about losing weight, what my hair looks like, what I'm wearing. I need to spend more time worrying about my words and actions. I need to spend more time in prayer and being thankful. Something to ponder in this new year. I'm definately not taking my stuff out of that box so everyone can see it but I will remember that it needs to be sorted and weeded through now and again. Just because it looks good doesn't mean it is.

Making Pretzels

I got a Border's Gift Card for my birthday and snagged a great deal on the Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day book.  I've enjoyed making the basic artisan bread recipe for well over a year now.  I found the basic recipe online but was ready to add some variety.  The book is perfect!!  Jesse and the kids made the pretzel recipe today.  They smell really yummy and I can't wait to try one! 

Gratitude Sunday

My new tradition for the year is Gratitude Sunday.  I want to keep myself in check and remember what I'm grateful for.  I will pick three things that come to mind even though I am well aware that I could come up with more than 100 things if I really thought about it.  This week I'm grateful for:

1)  Healthy kids - this is something that I never take for granted, I don't think.  I thank God for it each morning when we are together for our morning prayer and remember to be grateful for it throughout the day. 

2)  An abundance of food - I try to be thankful for this always but most especially when I am pregnant.  I eat ALOT right now (just ask Jesse ;) ) and I'm so grateful that all I need to do is go downstairs and grab something from the fridge.

 3) Friends who support me in word and action - this is something that has proven invaluable throughout the years.  Kind words, offers of meals, helping with kids and rides but mostly prayers are so very important.  Parenting, homeschooling, being pregnant, being married, and everything that life brings us can be extremely stressful.  Having good friends that support me on the journey is a wonderful blessing!!

I hope this Epiphany finds you all healthy and happy.  Real life starts tomorrow for us! 

A picture of Cecilia deep in thought deciding what her gingerbread man should look like (we decorated giant gingerbread men last night).  I love her thoughtful look (and her cheeks full of candies that were meant for the gingerbread man).

New Joys, New Hope, New Life, New Year

So, it's here.  The confetti all over my house confirms it.  2011 has arrived.  We had a fabulous night with our children and one extra.  So much to hope for this year.  So many fun times to be had.  School starts again on Monday.  I must admit I'm looking forward to getting back "into the swing" of things.  Menu planning is on my list of things to do tonight.  Today we celebrated with our family.

Reclaiming my house will take most of tomorrow.  Brandon is here for a couple of more weeks.  Soon it will be time for the March for Life.  My three oldest will be attending this year.  January's calender is lighter than Decembers and I have to admit I'm happy about that.  I'm hoping for some snow and lots of reading time on the couch with my kids.  So much to be grateful for in this new year.  Have a blessed one!!