My Recommitment To Lent While Making Play Dough

I pour my second cup and sigh. This dreary Wednesday is bringing me down. I try to remember my promise to be grateful but the chaos around me sucks away my feeling of peace and it's hard not to go that place. A week into lent and what have I done? Not much. I'm not growing or changing it seems.

As I make the bread for the day I remember how soothing the feeling of warm playdough is. Warm, fresh, homemade playdough
can surely turn this day around. So we mix it up in a big pan.....we stir and stir and stir. I wondered if I didn't add enough of something
because it still seems wet and sticky.

We decide to add some purple food coloring. We added ALL of the purple food coloring that we had
and the playdough didn't change color.....

Next we added pink (ALL of our pink) and threw it into the mixer. Bright pink on a cold and rainy day. A "bonus" day, it's "leap day". An extra day to live. An extra chance to grow closer to Him, to re commit to Lent, my children, my husband. The playdough
is warm and as I touch it I remember the warm and loving arms of Christ. He's waiting for me in Heaven but it will take work for me
to get there. Sacrifice and work.

As a final touch we add some lavender oil and the house smells divine. Mess is everywhere. Flour, salt, food coloring. But the house smells beautiful. Like lilacs in June.

The kids delight in their creation and play happily for a long time. I cleaned the dishes and thought of how we started this project with salt, water, flour, and food coloring. And how it seemed like something wasn't right but we waited and stirred, and persisted. What started out as purple became pink and in the end it all worked out. I examine my life as I wash the very full pot of pink water and I think of how it started out rough and how something didn't seem right. But God stirred and persisted and here I am a different color and consistency then what I was 10 years ago and hopefully different then what I will be 10 years from now.

The morning goes on and we tackle the rest of our schooling, chores, and prepare lunch. I try to remember the peace that I lost and the peace that I found in just a few hours.  And HOW I found it.

I squeeze in some scripture readings and meditations while Sam straightens the couch and I'm reminded how much I need order to function well.

As noon approaches and Josie snoozes on my back I return to my original Lenten plan.  The plan I had before the miscarriage and before I felt so unstable.  My verse 2 Corinthians 12:9 runs through my head and I have a renewed energy for the afternoon.  His GRACE truly is enough if I remember to pray and to ask for it.  Lent, week 2, I am ready.

On This Day

I chatted with friends at the homeschooling co op this morning while multiple
children climbed all over me. On this day I am GRATEFUL for it.
I read articles and postings about sick children, miscarriages, husbands that left their wives,
mothers who's hearts ache because they don't know where their children are.
On this day my husband brought me lunch and lunch for the children too
and I am GRATEFUL for it.

I am GRATEFUL for the piles of laundry the pulled me away from my leisure time.
I praised God as I folded our abundance of clothing with love, baby on my back
chatting away "mama, mama, mama".

And for the sunshine that pulled the kids out on the deck
while I chatted with my best friend for a few stolen minutes.
"How are YOU?" she asked. I am healing thanks to the prayers
of friends and family.

Josie watched intently as Sam played ball on the deck. And for
her healthy, big, brown eyes I am GRATEFUL.

I put on my new Matt Maher album and cleaned the kitchen.
On this day I am GRATEFUL for clean water, and dishes, food, and a dishwasher too!
What did I do to deserve such things? Nothing, I suppose. But I am GRATEFULnone the less.

When I signed on for this job some 20 years ago I didn't know it would last for so long.
On this day I hope it never ends.

My normal perspective isn't to be grateful. Quite the opposite. My tendency is to
look at the negative. Over the past year I have made a conscious effort to be more positive.
Some days I have to failed miserably (some months I have failed miserably) but I keep trying.
Being positive and grateful truly does change your life. It has changed mine. It will take a while to
eliminate 37 plus years of looking at the negative but I won't give up. One of my favorite APPS is THISone based off of the book "1000 Gifts". Lent is a great time to re examine and re commit to looking for the good, the
blessings. God is good ALL THE TIME!

Do You Know the Duggars?

Whenever I tell people I have 10 kids inevitably the first or second
question they ask me is if I know the Duggars. Well, today I was blessed to meet them!
They spoke at a local school in support of Rick Santorum and they
shared their beautiful story with us.
I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that these are not "fake" people.

I got a hug from Michele and so did my mom. What a beautiful lady
she is. The love of God shines forth so fully in all that she says
and does. They credit God with every blessing in their life and they praise
God for the sadness and heartache too.

They brought their daughter, Jana, with them. She was genuine and
beautiful as well.

 

Michele quoted 2 Corinthians 12:9, a verse that has come up in my prayer
and reading more than five times in the past 2 days.
I think God is trying to tell me something. Michele says she prayed for
sufficient help when she had six little ones and was expecting a seventh. God
spoke these words to her : But he said to me, Therefore "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.She says God has never failed to follow through and has helped her every step of the way.
She has inspired me to dig deeper and depend more on God than I am.

Jim Bob also had some fabulous messages for all of us.
"Be careful little eyes what you see"
He reminded us that what we watch, read, and listen to will
become who we are. Lent is a fabulous time to examine what we are
reading, watching, and listening to. What kind of media are we inviting into our homes?
Who are our kids "heroes"? Who are our heroes? I know that many people look
at the Duggars and say they aren't "real" or they are "out of touch with reality".
If being kind, loving, sincere, and praising God at every turn is out of touch with reality
then I'm in.  Putting God first in our lives and praising Him in all circumstances and going to Him
before making any decisions at all are things that all of us can do.  This Lent I will strive harder
to do and say only those things that bring me closer to Him.  I'm so glad that I got this
reminder on a Monday morning in late February.  I so needed it!!

Gratitude Sunday

SUNSHINE, long walks, snow, forgiveness, GRACE, healing,

healthy kids, new friends, KIND words, loving arms,

date nights, storytime, family games,

HOPE, laughter,

LOVE

On Helping and Healing After Miscarriage

"What can I do for you?"  I've heard that multiple times this week.  I am BLESSED to have people in my life that love me.  People that care.  This is my fourth miscarriage in 3 years.  We've been blessed with two living babies in that time, as well.  In our society people don't really seem to know what to do with miscarriage.  Years ago a dear friend suffered a miscarriage and I had never experienced what she was going through.  I googled and read and prayed and tried to ask around to see what I could do to help.  I hope I did the right things.  I'm sure I said some wrong things.  I thought it might be helpful if I wrote up the things that others have done for me in my time of grief.  I have to say that I have only suffered first trimester miscarriages. The earliest being around 5 weeks and the latest being around 10 weeks.  I can only write on the effects of these types of miscarriages.  Also, I have had all of my miscarriage at home.  I have never had a D&C so I cannot comment on those. 

Thinking back to my first miscarriage, 8 years ago, I didn't really "publicize" it.  It was super early, I wasn't sure the *right* way to handle it, so I kept it to myself for the most part.  Several years later when I miscarried twins I was much more open about my grief.  I actually lived in denial for a long time that the babies had actually died.  From the time I found out there were no heart beats until I actually miscarried was 3.5 weeks.  I was still sick and felt very pregnant during that time.  It was my worst nightmare.  I didn't handle it with grace at all.  My heart was so completely broken and it took me a really long time to recover physically and emotionally.  Helpful things at that point were emails, cards, kind words, phone calls, help with kids, meals (while I was waiting to miscarry the meals were extremely helpful as I had a hard time focusing on anything but my children still needed me so much).  A couple of friends gave me little statues that still sit on my shelves to remind me of my babies in heaven.  A group of Catholic Mama friends donated money in the baby's names to a local crisis pregnancy center and presented us with a certificate.  I was also gifted blessed Saint medals of the saint's names that we had chosen to give the babies.  We had a beautiful mass for our babies and all miscarried babies as well as printed holy cards to hand out so that our friends could pray for our babies.  All of these things were extremely healing for our family.  This time a dear friend sent me the book AFTER MISCARRIAGE.  I wondered why I hadn't seen it before but then realized it was just released on February 13 of this year.  What an absolute treasure.  It contains short stories, essays, prayers, and journal entries from mothers that have suffered miscarriages (I think there's one or two stories from dads as well).  A link that was really helpful to me was http://www.innocents.com/.  You can enter your baby or baby's names and they will pray for them.  They also send you a certificate with the baby's names on them.  I entered all 7 of the babies we have lost.  Just the act of writing the names and then hearing back from the Pastor of the parish was so healing for me.  Another friend sent me a beautiful, handmade card with a personal story of healing and hope in it.  It's something I will treasure forever. 

I have learned so much about some very strong and beautiful women through my miscarriages.  Stories of the babies they have lost that I otherwise wouldn't have heard.  Sharing these stories and watching these women tear up 10, 15, 25 years after the fact is healing for everyone involved.  One friend shared with me that a baby's DNA stays with the mother long after the miscarriage.  Something like 25 years.  So our babies are always with us even when their souls are in heaven with Jesus. 

In a society that sees the unborn as non persons, a mother can feel very unsure of what the proper reaction is to a miscarriage.  They grieve but life goes on.  When I miscarried this time I didn't allow myself to even rest or stay home from church.  Time will tell if that was a mistake or not.  I couldn't decide what would be best so I pushed on.  A mother often feels out of control when she miscarries.  You want to scream "stay in there" to the baby but your body does what comes natural.  Suddenly everything around you feels out of control and off balance.  I remember after I miscarried the first few times thinking "what's next, Lord?"  I wondered what else could happen to me, my husband, or my children that I couldn't control and wouldn't be expecting.  It took a very long time for me to realize that I am never in control.  I'm not sure I still fully *get* that but I'm getting there. 

Some mothers want to talk about their loss, their babies, and their feelings.  I'm a talker, by nature, and it feels good to talk (or write) about my experiences and hear other women and men speak about theirs.  Some women aren't comfortable with that so we can offer them prayers (offerings of Masses are such a blessing and you can often get nice Mass cards to mail to the grieving families). 

I have been so blessed in my life to have such supportive friends and family.  I have heard only a handful of times "you can have more" or "you already have X number of children so just be grateful" but for the most part I have heard nothing but kind words. 

I have always been pregnant again by the time the miscarried baby's due dates arrive which brings about mixed emotions (I imagine better emotions then if I was hoping to be pregnant but wasn't).  The baby growing inside me if not for the loss of the other baby.  I try to silently remember my due dates and the due dates of friends that have lost babies.  Sometimes I will try to remember to send a card or note of love and encouragement if I feel it's appropriate.

Above all I am so GRATEFUL for my Faith during times like these.  I have lost my temper with God and gotten angry about my losses but, as my doctor says, our babies are "homegrown Saints".  Who can complain about that.  When I told Hannah about our latest loss I said "what a great way to live.  A little while tucked safe in your mommy's womb and then straight to Jesus' arms".  Her look of sadness upon hearing the news went away and she said "yeah, yes, you're right".  So amidst the tears I hope all mothers can find comfort in that thought.  THANK YOU to all of our friends and family for all the comfort,prayers, cards, gifts, and kind words.  You are all our "shelter".  We will never walk alone - God makes sure of that.

It is in the shelter of each other that people live. -Irish Proverb

We would love to add you and your baby's names to our daily prayer intentions.  If you feel inclined you may comment here or send me an email with those names.  Our baby's names are:

Elizabeth, Tom, Michael, Gabriella, Angel Baby, John, and Francis

Why Lent is Making Me Happy

A few reasons why I'm jumping in with both feet this Lent.

1) We made it to Mass.  All of us.  At noon.  It wasn't graceful or pretty and one child

may have had such a loud fit that she had to be removed from not only the church but nearly had

to be banished to the van (with adult supervision, of course) but we made it. (And Fr. didn't

disappoint.  His homily was perfect.)

2) While most people don't need this type of structured "reminder" I thrive on structure.

With the kids giving up the Wii and treats they are delving back into our beautiful

board games and enjoying the healthy food that we have to offer them.  OK, "enjoying" might be

too strong a word.  Tolerating.  But still.  To watch the little kids (even Clare) recognize

that they are giving up what they love because "Jesus died on the cross" is a

beautiful thing.

3) I got a new book this year to use with the family.  There's nothing like Lent and Advent to bring us all together EVERY single night for some prayer and reading, discussion, and reflection.  The family Rosary is a beautiful thing but something *new* is always fun.

4) Speaking of new - I snagged this shirt from Family Christian's website for a steal and it just arrived today.

A fabulous reminder this Lent (and always) that with God all things are possible. (Even healing a

mother's broken heart).

5)  I have the Magnificat Lenten Companion APP (also available in book form) in addition

to other extra reading I will be doing.  As Fr. reminded us today - that best thing we can

do for Lent is to get to know Jesus.  That's what He wants.  He wants us to KNOW HIM. 

We cannot truly know Him if we don't attend Church and read His Word.  Another great

reminder from Fr. was that we cannot resist sins of the flesh (or other sins) without His Grace. 

So this year instead of dreading what I'm "giving up" I will embrace Lent for what it is.  A chance

to re - evaluate, cleanse, reflect, learn, pray, and rest easy in the promise of His LOVE and MERCY.

For Lent

I'm not sure what I'm doing for Lent this year.  The last week has been a whirl wind.  Our "usual" sacrafices include no sweets, no video games, less media in general.  I always give up Starbuck's and "coffee out".  Last year I did the "40 Bags in 40 Days" challange and it worked well.  We have smaller, more modest meals.  More soup and breads, things like that.  More individual and family prayer time.  I try to get to Mass more often. We also enjoyed THIS last year.

 Right now, though, I feel lost still.  Lost in the tears of miscarriage.  Still the reminders around me of "I was pregnant last week at this time but I'm not pregnant anymore.".  When I am pregnant I limit caffeine and illimunate alcohol (obviously).  Now when I drink my afternoon cup of coffee or an occasional glass of wine it's the loud reminder "you are not pregnant anymore".  It's true, I wasn't pregnant for very long this time.  Funny how it doesn't matter how long you have the baby living inside of you.  A mother's LOVE doesn't know time. 

I bought THIS BOOK and will try it out for Lent this year.  I'm anxious to start the journey.  Prayers for a safe and spiritual Lent for you and your family.

Happy 7th Birthday Samuel Joseph!!

Samuel is 7! I can't believe how quickly time passes.
My only baby born at home and my biggest baby (10lbs even!)
Sam (we call him Samo) loves to read, play legos,
play the Wii, and is the best hugger in the family!

Sam got a birthday morning gift of a new Wii game
And a trip to Starbuck's with mom, dad, grandma, and Mary too
since she didn't get to go on her birthday last week.

Sam got his birthday call from Brandon
And he got to use Uncle Andy's "7" candle
on his cupcakes! Uncle Andy turned 7
in 1977 so that is a seriously old candle!

Owen decorated light saber cupcakes for Sam this
afternoon.

Josie was NOT a fan of the Darth Vader mask.