Happy 5th Birthday Clare!! {Better Late Than Never}

2 days late but Clare Pia Grace turned 5 on the 21st.  We had a full day at the Henry Ford, lunch out with family, and home for some play time.  I am positive I tell the story every year around this time but when we were expecting Clare we were given a 10% chance of survival for her.  Even then she wasn't one to be reckoned with so she defied the odds.  Here she is at 5 years old already!  She can be sweet and loving, is the best hugger in the family, and has even Grandpa in the palm of her hand.  Happy Birthday Clare Bear!  We love you and you were my best Christmas present ever!

 

 

(My niece, Ellie, turns 12 years old (today!) so we celebrated her on Sunday as well)

 

On Virtue and Human Trafficking {Lighting the Final Candle of Advent - LOVE}

Yesterday I was blessed to spend over an hour in adoration plus attend the parish prayer meeting.  Rare things for this mom of many small ones especially in the midst of Advent crazy but Jesse and I made time, the kids helped, and there we were gazing in the warmth of Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  We stayed up well past bedtimes as Augustine made glorious baby sounds nearby and finished wrapping gifts together.  It was a very good day and a very good night.  This morning we ventured off for last minute grocery shopping and errand running before coming home to bake cupcakes for our tomorrow birthday girl.  I discovered Aldi a while back and have been amazed (and grateful!) for the money I have saved shopping there.  I was also grateful that I could take my husband and my boys without being assaulted by magazines with airbrushed women screaming from shelves at eye level.  But today we pulled in to see what they are building next to Aldi - I won't say the name because I won't give them publicity but it's a bar where the women wear hardly anything as men objectify them and leave their wives (and their morals - if they have any) at home.  Appalled doesn't begin to describe my feelings on this matter.  I hear a lot about the "war on women" and wonder why those that makes such claims haven't started picketing places like this yet.  I've been asked to leave more than one place in my time for nursing my baby yet places like this with posters of mostly naked women plastered in the windows are acceptable to a society that, frankly, is going down the toilet.

While it would be easy to assume the girls that work in these places are partly to blame I take a different stance.  Pope Francis has called for this year to be a year that we bring attention to the worldwide issue of human trafficking.  This issue has been on my heart for several years now and I often pray for those women and girls forced into prostitution, pornography, or even working in bars where men come in and take brain snapshots for later use.  Families are being destroyed, men are losing their souls, women are being abused and objectified and here we all sit feeling helpless and some of us feeling hopeless.  Pope Francis says this : " Slaves no more, but brothers and sisters" will be the theme for the Jan. 1, 2015, commemoration and for the message Pope Francis will write for the occasion, according to the Pontifical Council for Justice and Peace. Pope Francis has called human trafficking "a crime against humanity" and "an open wound on the body of contemporary society, a scourge upon the body of Christ."  You can read more HERE. 

Perhaps a Hooters type establishment hardly seems worthy of the title "human trafficking" but I assure you in all of my research on the subject places like this is where it all begins.  When "businessmen" go to lunch during the workday at places like this and hardly feel the need to hide it, post pictures of themselves on Facebook or pin them up in their cubicles at work and rare is the person that bats an eye we have become a society that uses and discards women (and men and children) to do what satisfies us in the moment. 

So what's a mother to do when faced with situations that seem to paralyze hearts and entrap minds?  I have thought about packing up all seven of my girls and dropping them at the local convent.  I have considered poking out my boys' eyes (not really....sort of not really...) but ultimately what this comes down to is building character and virtue in a world that has mostly discarded such things.  Never one for the "boys will be boys" belief I expect more from my boys and girls.  I expect more from myself.  We don't have cable TV here and I have long since cut off watching things that support the idea that men are idiots and women are objects.  That GREATLY reduced my screen time.  Now I hear the "you can't let them live in a bubble" comments.  I know that.  I don't.  We don't cut off the world but we explain why we are called to be set apart from the world.  IN the world but not OF it.  That's what Jesus says.  Few are the people answering that call these days but I will try until my dying day to make sure my children are a part of that few. 

At home we are learning about virtues using THIS program (Education in Virtue) developed by the Sisters of Mary Mother of the Eucharist (hey they were on Oprah so they MUST be cool!). 

We talk about human trafficking, abortion, pornography and all the things that satan throws at us to make us stray from the One Who we should be focusing on most.  We talk about how sometimes we make bad choices - REALLY BAD CHOICES - and that all we need to do after those bad choices is ask God to forgive us (in our Faith we go to the sacrament of Reconciliation) and begin again focusing more on making Jesus the center of our lives.  We talk about how we need to use our eyes, talents, skills for good.  What we choose to watch, read, play, listen to ALL has an impact on who we become.  As we heard recently at a talk we attended - You reveal who you are by what you choose.  what you choose becomes who you are.

Back to Aldi and human trafficking.  What can we do?  There are some great ideas here at Exodus Cry .  Explain to your sons and daughters that what all of this is is a ploy by Satan to take what God made good and make it bad.  As a friend recently explained to me it's like in the garden of Eden. The tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil was not bad in and of itself.  But satan twisted it to make it all bad.  God made women and men sexual beings.  Married love and intimacy is very good.  But our world has become so centered on hooking up, immodest dress, and pornography which allows the most selfish form of sex not to mention the consuming of another person for your own satisfaction that it is now twisted and bad. 

The bottom line is that we can't save our kids or our spouses or those we love from this evil.  We can educate and mostly we can pray for us all to have eyes to see what is truly good and to discern between what may look good but is not from God.  In the meantime I'll pray a  Hail Mary or better yet a Rosary every time I pass the new bar for the women being objectified and abused and the men who think it's OK to do so.   I want my daughters to marry men of virtue and integrity and for my sons to be men who see a person's soul and not their bodies as something to consume and discard at will.  Pray with me, brothers and sisters in Christ, and together we can overcome the evil.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

Behind

Outdated pictures hang on the wall and some kids aren't represented at all.  That's the story of my life right now.  Advent is no different.  Behind.  Always behind.  Every morning the kids get up and open another window on the Advent calendar counting down the days until Christmas.  20 turned into 10 turned into 7 in what seemed like a moment to me.  My Jesse Tree devotional reading fell behind so I doubled up and fell behind again.  I had to re order priorities.  Jesus will be born if I'm ready or not.  A good reminder that Jesus will come again if I'm ready or not.  So my home may not be what I want it to be but that isn't as important as the state of my soul.  I'm embarrassed to say that through the years I have often put more emphasis on the tidiness of my house than I have on how I speak to my husband and children.  I was afraid others would judge my home if they came over and assume I had too many kids to keep it clean.  But Jesus doesn't care about that.  I mean a certain amount of self discipline leads to an organized home and life (and soul), yes.  But spotless with 12 kids?  No.  I'm so grateful for the Graces available through reconciliation, mass, and loads of prayer.  We need only ask God for grace to get through THIS day.  Even through countdowns and hustle and bustle we can find peace in our hearts.  Falling behind on Advent readings shouldn't bring guilt.  Catch up and start again.  Or skip that day and trust that whatever you need to read or see or hear or know God will put on your heart in some way.  God fills the cracks in our broken and imperfect lives.  He really does.  It's the evil one that makes us believe otherwise.  Don't listen.  Christmas will arrive on December 25 like it does every year.  The only perfect Gift is the gift of Jesus to a fallen world.  And someday Jesus will come again.  That's what we need to be ready for.  There's no countdown to that day so we have to be ready everyday.  When He does return the state of our homes won't matter a bit. The state of our souls will. 

Sometimes His messages come through in the kids.  Josie (3) said to me yesterday "Christmas is Jesus' birthday because Heaven said so."  And so it is.  I won't be frazzled because I want my kids to embrace His love through me.  I don't want them to remember stressful holiday seasons filled with negativity as I strive for perfect.  Perfect already happened and it's not because of me.  I have failed this goal most years and I hope my kids will have mercy for my weakness.  This Advent I start again and focus not on December 25 but on that date unknown to man. 

Lighting the 4th candle will not bring anxiety this year.  Thank you, Jesus, for the 4th candle and the dwindling days as we approach the final day when we can be with You forever.

 

"But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." Mark 13:32

Of Joy and Christmas Trees {Pink Candle Sunday}

"I love the day that we decorate the tree.  There are so many memories in these ornaments."  A profound statement from a 9 year old boy.  I hung my head in shame as just the night before this day I had announced to Owen (16) that I didn't like the Christmas trees and wondered who had the dumb idea of trees in the house anyway.  Way back in 1992 when I had just one baby I decided on the tradition of giving an ornament every year as a gift for Christmas Eve.  12 kids and 23 years later we have collected so many ornaments they cover two trees.  In what already feels like a cluttered house sometimes the trees make me a little crazy. 

Keeping toddler hands and kittens off of a tree that carries fragile things is no easy task.  But still I felt ashamed that I had thought much less said that the trees were a pain.  What a ridiculous thing to view traditions and memories in preparation for the birth of our SAVIOR as "one more thing" on my to do list.  When did I lose the JOY of Advent and the wonder of CHRISTmas? 

I keep hearing "slow down" , "relax", "take in the season".  Then I feel guilty for not doing those things, being enough for my kids, having enough, taking in enough.....The messages of the world and even sometimes those in our Church have me reeling in a guilty puddle of mess.  Wishing to be Mary I'm almost always Martha but I sincerely wonder how a mother of 12 can be anything but Martha?

 

So now the trees are up and I have to admit that I don't actually dislike them.  They look nice, the toddler is sleeping so she hasn't ripped the ornaments off yet, the cats seem unimpressed, and the lights bring hope to the darkness that has taken over the world right now. 

I know we have so much to be grateful for.  I am grateful.  But I'm also a frazzled, sleep deprived mom of many who is trying to create memories, stay "in the moment" while planning for the future and balancing a budget, feeding my family, homeschool, and missing my oldest son TERRIBLY.  It's a good thing JOY is defined as true goodness that brings lasting peace.  Ahhh - Jesus.  TRUE joy that brings lasting peace.  Yes - that.  I.have.joy.  I have chaos and noise and mess and clutter but I have true JOY in my relationship with Christ.  I pray that the memories packed in the ornaments on the tree speak of the true joy that we find in Christ and that those are the memories my children take with them. 

 

 " These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may be in you, and your joy may be filled. "

John 15:11

Augustine is 3 Months Old!!

Our Christmas miracle was delivered in autumn when leaves were falling instead of snow.  I'll never forget the moment when they said I could kiss him and he would be gone only for a few hours.  They didn't bundle him or give him a hat.  Just like that he was gone.  Sometimes I wonder what my parenting life would have been like had that happened with my first baby instead of my 12th.  I haven't taken one moment with this little guy for granted.  Every kiss, nursing session, middle of the night diaper change....I count it all JOY.  I guess I did with the others too but in a different way.

I wish I could find every nurse and doctor that helped us, show them our healthy baby, and thank them.  I'm not generally a hugger but I would hug them if I could.  Grateful doesn't begin to describe how I feel about this little guy.

Augustine weighed 15ish pounds a few days ago and is thriving.  He's strong and very much loved by his siblings.  I suppose it will be soon be that time when he rolls over, crawls, and walks.  But for today he still stays in one spot.  Happy 3 Months Superman.  We love you!!

Prepare Ye The Way {Traditions and Hope}

"So did you guys do candles yet?" the very adult voice of my first born asked as we chatted on the phone.  It happened by accident these traditions that we celebrate every Advent.  I recall a Xeroxed (am I showing my age?) copy of an Advent Unit that was handed around our homeschooling group when I first discovered the truth of Advent and God and all of it.  I bought up all the books and supplies needed and cancelled regular school for the whole of Advent.  In those days I had four children.  8 children later we still participate in some of the projects suggested.  The books needed rarely make it out before the second or third week of Advent but I have memorized some of the activities.  

Kids young and old appreciate this activity and their candles always reflect their personalities.  Unique, colorful, beautiful, true to self. 

In moments like these I am grateful for Advent's past, grateful for the times we had together as a family to develop traditions, hopeful that we will all be together again for Advent and Christmas someday.  The days slip through my fingers like water.  I can't grab the days and make them stop.  Not even for a moment.

In these days I'm also grateful for our Faith that binds us together not only with eachother but with Christians everywhere as we all light the way, in our own way, waiting for our Savior who will arrive in a stable, walk the earth, and save us from our sin.  When Christmas morning arrives at our house I will sneak down early and light the candles (and make a pot of coffee) and breath it in. 

It's moments like these that remind me it's not about the gifts that we can give but the moments we have together.

When I finished my conversation with Brandon I knew in my heart that he is where God wants him to be.  Life is a series of letting go.  God let go of Jesus to come down to us so we could go back to Him.  These children are not mine or Jesse's but they are His.  We do the best we can to point them back to the One Who loved them long before we ever did.  My prayer is that our traditions light the way for them so that they will never stray far from His loving arms.  As week one of Advent comes to a close I'm filled with HOPE for our future. 

 

 

Advent Calling

Life in this family seems to move like a super highway.  Even the pregnancies that seemingly lasted FOR-E-VER back when I had only a few kids fly by like the speed of light.  Augustine is growing stronger everyday.  He's 13 weeks old now!  When I look at pictures of him all hooked up to tubes and monitors it seems like a dream (or a nightmare).  So here we are approaching Christmas again - another Advent is upon us.  We switched out our liturgical calendar from last year for the new one, bought new Advent candles (and I splurged on a new Advent Wreath too!), a fresh Jesse tree poster is up.  The daily question of "when will we put our Christmas tree up?" has begun.  Old traditions mixed in with a few new ones, one more baby, Brandon and Rose hundreds of miles away and not returning for Christmas this year.  Some days I feel like just a function buried under a to do list of things that grows by leaps and bounds during Advent as we prepare for Christmas.  To make matters worse I feel guilty that I'm not "slowing down", "taking pause", "finding joy".  I ask God how on earth someone with a dozen kids, homeschooling, and the daily tasks that go along with those things can "take pause".  Yet in all the chaos, noise, buried in babies and toddlers and 24 hours nursing I still hear it....the silent whisper of Advent calling.  For me the season can't involve nestling up under a blanket sipping hot chocolate (with coffee in it, of course) in front of a fire reading the classics.  Maybe someday but not now.  There are few moments of silence and I can't plan to do this or that on any given day at any given time.  But there ARE moments of silence (even if it means I sit in the van for a few extra minutes after the kids pile out into the house).  With most of my devotionals on my kindle they are just a click away.  Each takes about 3-5 minutes to read.  Or maybe I don't get to read them everyday and I have to read several at once.  I think that's OK too.  Often times I have young moms (yes, I'm an old mom now....) ask me how I do "it" and the truth is it's 100% God's grace and one hour at a time.  I have no idea how I do "it".  I don't actually think I do.  I survive like everyone else.  There's laughter and tears and moments of contentment.  There's hardships and times that are easier.  There are times when I think "this is pretty close to perfect" and times when I think "this was all a really bad idea".  Advent, like Lent, is a time to refocus, maybe restructure, and, for me, to rediscover the depth of His love for me, for us. 

This year I pulled out my old favorites like Advent at Ephasus.  This is a beautiful album that really encompasses the spirit of Advent.  It's also available on iTunes. 

Something new for me this year are these two books by Ann Vaskomp.  I absolutely love them so far.  The Family Celebration of Christmas is breathtaking.  It matches up well with our Jesse Tree craft so I continued to use that one (it's a day off so I adjusted for that).  I also bought Ann's Advent devotional Unwrapping the Greatest Gift (this one I put on my kindle) and I'm really enjoying that. 

I subscribe to several daily inspirational emails.  Last Lent Fr. Robert Barron did Lenten Reflections.  I missed them so much when they stopped.  I was so pleased to see that he now has Advent Reflections.  There are even videos (short ones) that go with it. 

With St. Nicholas Day right around the corner an old favorite here is the website St. Nicholas Center which can be found HERE.  There are games and printables and stories.  My kids have enjoyed that website for years. 

I assure you it's not peaceful or serene at our house but Advent calls in spite of it all.  Jesus desires for all of us to draw closer to Him not just in Advent but every day of the year, every day of our lives.

Giving Thanks For Life {Happy 12th Birthday Jackson!}

It was nothing like I'd imagined it - this Thanksgiving Day.  Every once in a while Jackson's birthday falls on Thanksgiving.  I planned ahead to integrate his day into "Turkey Day" and accommodate for my disappointment that Brandon and Rose wouldn't be here to celebrate with us. On Sunday Sam came down with a fever and cough and before long our house looked like a hospital.  Sick kids laying everywhere and sick adults too.  I prayed that Jackson would at least be well for his birthday.  As the week past it became clear that we would be bowing out of Thanksgiving at my parent's this year.  Sure the healthy people could go but then we would be separated.  Together we decided that we would stay here and make the best of it.  As the day went on I kept thinking "this isn't what I thought today would be like".  I glanced over at four of the kids, now healthy, sitting on the couch.  Mary (7) said "if I could have today again I wouldn't change a thing".   That struck me.  I thought about Jackson's birth and how traumatic it was.  I thought about the years that followed which, honestly, haven't been how I'd imagined they would be.  I'm not sure I would say "if I could have this life again, I wouldn't change a thing" but I'm praising God for the journey as it has taught me much about true thanksgiving.

This sweet thing was deathly ill just a day ago.  Today I get to see her smiling face and hear her laughter again.  Thanks be to God.

My dad had a close call when Jackson was just a few months old.  So grateful he is still here with us to celebrate the day even if it's not what I thought it would be.

And this guy - well - he's the light of my life.  If things had gone how I had planned all those years ago this little one wouldn't be here today.  So grateful that God stepped in.

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving!  And Happy 12th Birthday to Jackson!

 

Bringing Lent Home {Yes, I Know It's Almost Advent} A Book Review

 

I know we are just beginning Advent but when this little gem showed up in my mailbox I just had to crack it open (I’m wishing there was one for Advent too….).  Bringing Lent Home with St. John Paul II is the third in a series by Donna-Marie Cooper O’Boyle to help families navigate through Lent together.  The other two - Bringing Lent Home with Mother Teresa and Bringing Lent Home with St. Therese are amazing and so is this one!  

 

Each day of Lent contains a meditation, parent reflection, family prayer, story from St. John Paul’s life, something suggested to fast from (such as discouragement, complaining, gossip, etc) with ideas of what to do INSTEAD of what you are fasting from (one of my favorites says "Today fast from complaining.  When tempted to complain, say, 'Jesus, I love you.’”  That is a great reminder and I will be using everyday from now on.  In addition there are suggestions for almsgiving and a closing prayer.  Since, for us, it’s easier to get together as a family (currently there are 13 of us living here since Brandon got married)  in the evenings we do the next day's reflections the night before.  Dinner time is often a good time for us to read the reflections or just before bed is another time that we might choose (before or after family Rosary works well too).  Each day’s reading takes about 10 minutes or less depending on how long you discuss as a family.  The price for these books is so reasonable that I buy in bulk and keep them with me asking for the Holy Spirit’s guidance about who to give them to.  If you don’t have children living in your home anymore that’s OK too.  This book can easily be used as an individual or as a married couple.  I assure you if you use this book during Lent you won’t be disappointed.  

 

If you know me you know I’m a Kindle junkie and this book is also available on kindle!!   You guys you can have this awesome book on your phone or iPad and read it on the go if you need a little pick me up!  I love technology!

 

So Happy Thanksgiving, Blessed Advent, and Merry Christmas but Lent will be upon us soon so make sure you have this book on hand when it arrives!!

 

 

Happy 18th Birthday Hannah!!

 

And there she is.  18.  How it happens I don't really know.  They are born, they grow up, all in the blink of an eye. 

 

Here she is with her "little" brother, Owen.  I don't even want to talk about how fast he has grown up.  I'm so grateful that we have Hannah in our family.  She's eager to help, lights up a room, and is just a beautiful person inside and out.

We birthdayed all day today.  Started with bacon, middled with tea and hot chocolate and two library visits, ended with steak, veggies, cupcakes, ice cream, friends, and presents.  I hope the day was everything that Hannah hoped it would be.   She deserves it.  And now she's an "adult".  The days are slow but the years fly by.  Wow is that true.

 

 

Happy Birthday Hannah Lynnie.  We love you!

 

I Wish {And Augustine Is 2 Months Old!}

I took six of the kids to McDonald's this morning.  The play place.  They had never been to one save Sam who said he had.  I had to meet a friend so I called McDonald's this morning to see if they were a play place, they were.  I loaded up the huge container of hand sanitizer and hoped for the best.  The exit of the house wasn't so graceful.  Trying to convince Josie not to change her clothes was a challenge (I failed) and she wouldn't wear the shoes that I offered her.  I told the kids I was never taking them anywhere again.  As we were walking in there was a man sitting alone.  He was clearly counting the kids (who were holding hands and walking slowly).  He asked me if they were ALLLLLL mine.  He asked in that way that makes me cringe every time I hear it.  If I were in a movie it would be slow motion and every word would be emphasized.  When I said yes and that I had six more at home he asked if they were all by birth.  I wasn't sure what to make of that but it made want to say "Yes, I AM a baby pez dispenser" but instead I smiled and said "yes".  Then he pronounced loudly "I don't know if I should say congratulations or not".  Well that pierced my heart.  I said "Yes, yes you should say congratulations.  These children bring me SO MUCH JOY.  You should absolutely say congratulations.".  I was stunned, actually, because I don't usually say things like that.  He was also stunned and said nothing.  First, I wanted my kids to know that they are not burdens on me or society.  They can hear these comments and they are offensive.  Second I wish that man could have been in my home this morning as we took Augustine's 2 month pictures.  I wish he could have seen Augustine's daddy thinking of and creating a mural well past 10pm last night after a long day of parenting already.  I wish he could see the line of siblings behind me as I take pictures by that mural and the other kids, I-devices in hand, snapping their own pictures of their treasured newest sibling.  I wish he and all the others like him could have been a fly on the wall when we announced our pregnancy, brought home ultra sound pictures, and their texts and visits after he was born promising prayers for their sick little brother that they cherished with their little (and big) hearts.  I wish he could see the mounds of pictures painted by the little ones for Hannah's birthday tomorrow, the way my teens hugged  each and every child as they left for retreat and when they came back.  Every one (save Frances who may have been napping).  I wish the world could see that it's not the size of your bank account or the fact that our kids have to sacrifice material items, outside activities, their own rooms, new clothes, etc etc etc that brings happiness.  It's in the knowing that there are babies to kiss and siblings to make your First Communion with (and Confirmation...and Graduation). 

 

 

The last two months have literally FLOWN by.  I never got to say how amazing my kids who held down the fort not for a night or two like I had anticipated but for more than a week after Augustine arrived.  I know this job is hard because I do it everyday.  And I'm the mom.  But for them to do it every day for that long is beyond comprehension to me.  More than them doing it, they did it with grace and kindness.  They didn't complain.  They texted me and facetimed me one billion times a day but not to say they were unhappy or bored or burdened but to check on me and the baby, to say they loved me and him and to see when we were coming home so we could all be together again.  I once overheard some people at a pro life function I was at say they felt sorry for the older Duggar kids because they were so burdened by the younger kids and all of the chores.  We had 9 kids at the time, I think.  I remember wondering what they meant by that.  My kids and their friends who do the same do not seem burdened.  They are the least selfish teens I've ever met.  It seems to me the world could use a lot less selfishness and a lot more selfLESSness.  Isn't this what Jesus came to teach us?  I wish I would have had all these words for that man but since I didn't a the time I will pray for him to see the beauty of life.  I will pray his face that read disgust to me would soften and that the world would see that every life has a value whether you are child number 1 in a family or child number 12.  I know I've ranted on this before but apparently it needs to be said again. 

 

As we left McDonald's somewhat effortlessly (miracles happen everyday....) the kids said again and again "Thank you so much for taking us.  We can't thank you enough.  We appreciate it so much." I wish that man could have heard that too. 

 

"This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live."

Deuteronomy 30:19

 

Happy 2 months Augustine!  Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for him and all of my children. 

 

Roadblocks and Paths {God's Will Redefined}

Each morning the children and I read a story about the Saint of the Day.  Just short sketches of a life lived so well that they have been proclaimed Saints by the Church.  When I read the stories I often feel like Jo March from Little Women.  She was always wishing that she was somewhere else doing great things like the people she met or read about in a book.  Of course from the outside Jo's life looked pretty darn cool to me. 

Around 3:30 this morning as I counted the hours I hadn't slept, again, and as I patted a fussy baby I wondered when I would begin MY adventures or am I just a housekeeper, cook, driver, teacher, mother, and wife who will never have an adventure worthy of Sainthood.  In the last few weeks I've had the delight of attending a daily mass on Wednesday mornings when I take Hannah to violin.  It's easy and convenient and usually only requires that I bring the baby and maybe a couple of other kids with me.  I "attend" from the cry room/confessional mostly, watching through a window in the dark.  Still....the graces are amazing.  I dream of the day when I can attend mass daily.  Maybe that's when my adventure will begin?  If only there weren't these mountains of laundry and piles of dishes maybe I could hear God's Will and do it. 

So in that pre dawn meditation  I wished that I could be the saint that lived in a cave (with wifi and coffee, of course) or the sister that sits with Jesus in adoration all day instead of hear saying broken rosaries that take an entire day to get through.  If only I could sleep one full night (or like 2 hours uninterrupted) THEN I could really contribute to the Body of Christ that I hear all about.  Deciding that I think too much (shocking, I know) I opened up my daily devotions from the Diary of St. Faustina to find this (bold writing are words spoken by Jesus to St. Faustina) :

"Today after Holy Communion, the Lord told me, My daughter, My delight is to unite Myself with you. It is when you submit yourself to My will that you give Me the greatest glory and draw down upon yourself a sea of blessings. I would not take such special delight in you if you were not living by My will (Diary, 954).

February 15, 1937. Today, I heard these words in my soul: Host, pleasing to My Father, know, My daughter, that the entire Holy Trinity finds Its special delight in you, because you live exclusively by the will of God. No sacrifice can compare with this (Diary, 955).

O my sweet Guest, I am prepared for all sacrifices for Your sake, but You know that I am weakness itself. Nevertheless, with You I can do all things. O my Jesus, I beseech You, be with me at each instant (Diary, 954)."

After many years of being caught between the world's idea of the appropriate number of children to have and trying to discern God's will for our family we somehow ended up here - with a dozen kids.  So there it was - this family for us is what we believe is God's will for our lives.  If that's true (and I hope it is!) then all that goes with raising an extra large family is not my road block to sainthood but could maybe be my path to sainthood.  While I've spent time counting down the days until I can feed the hungry or cloth the naked I've actually been feeding the hungry AND clothing the naked (who then remove their clothes over and over again).  While I've lamented for days and weeks on end that if only this or that trial wasn't there THEN I could really be a good disciple of Christ, it's those very trials that have repeatedly brought me to my knees and up on the cross as close to Jesus as I can get on this earth. 

In my earlier mothering days after I returned to the Catholic Church in a real way I used to feel bitter about standing in the back of the church or, worse yet, outside of the church during mass.  That no longer bothers me.  We get to church and I pray I'll get through the opening hymn and then I'm usually in the back.  I'm not sure what else one could expect with 6 kids 7 and under and many other kids besides.  So I had to change my mind and decide that my vocation requires that I stand in the back with an active toddler or change a diaper or nursing a baby.  And that's ok.  In fact I believe it's pleasing to God. 

With today's technology I am able to listen to the Divine Office of Readings multiple times a day, stream a rosary through my van speakers.  The daily gospel reading and Saint of the Day are at my fingertips through multiple sources (most of which are free).  And while there's little chance I will ever get through any of those things uninterrupted I can get through them.  It's all I have to offer to God right now.  I believe as long as our focus is on doing His will then He will make a way for us.  I once read that St. John Paul II used to read, attend a meeting, and pray a rosary at the same time.  I felt pretty good about that since that is the only way I will ever get anything done and retain any kind of prayer time. 

This weekend Jesse and I attended a fabulous conference and one thing that the speaker reminded me of was to constantly refocus my mind on Jesus.  In our home we have a crucifix in most rooms and religious artwork on many walls.  Refocusing on Him isn't too hard here.  Out in the worlds it's a little harder for me.  I try to remember to grab my crucifix that I wear around my neck or close my eyes and see His face when I get frustrated with a child, a situation, or someone that I don't even know.  Another thing we were reminded of was to ask God this "what are You trying to teach me in this situation?".  Refocusing not only on Jesus and the cross but on the life God has asked me to live is an invaluable resource that's right at my fingertips and only requires a change of heart and mind. 

Like Jo March at the end of Little Women I had to figure out that the adventures I am looking for aren't "out there" at all.  When Jo tried to write about things that she thought would sell she failed.  When she wrote about the life God had given her, people loved it and this many years later it's still a cherished work.

One thing people ask me about often when they find out I have 12 children is about "missed opportunities".  What about dance classes and soccer year round or a car when they are 16 or their own rooms...the list goes on and on and on.  I must admit to a pang of guilt when I think of some of those things.  What if the kids *could* have been a great dancer or soccer player but we didn't have the resources to nurture that gift?  Then I remember those are the lies that satan tells us.  The TRUTH tells us that with God all things are possible and if He wills it then He will make a way.  In our control freak society we believe that WE are in control when, in fact, we are not.  What we can control, however, is whether or not we listen to the urging of the Holy Spirit and discern God's will in all things no matter how small or insignificant they seem at the time.  Worry, fear and doubt are a tool of the evil one to keep us off that path to Sainthood. 

So I offer this day to the Lord and all that comes with it.  And tomorrow I will offer tomorrow.  And so on.  I can't promise a full rosary without interruption or doing community service at a soup kitchen but I can promise to do my best to serve those that God has given me to serve.  With Heaven and the words I long to hear which are  "well done good and faithful servant" as my ultimate goal I will dust off my knees as often as I must, get up, and start again wishing only to do the will of God.  In the end, for me,  humility is needed because those big adventures can attract big focus and praise that a stay at home mom in the drudgery of the day is not going to get.  There's nothing spectacular about changing 20 diapers a day or doing the dishes or sweeping a floor.  At least not in the world's eyes.  But when we view it as God's will then who needs the world or their praises? 

"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world--the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does--comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. "

1 John 15-17

 

 

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Augustine is One Month Old!

Well I'm a day late but have been single parenting for the last few days so it is what it is.  Augustine turned 1 month old yesterday!  It's hard to believe!  He's growing well and nursing constantly.  He doesn't have Frances' peaceful demeanor but I'll keep him anyway ;)

The kids and I celebrated his one month by taking him to Greenfield Village.  The weather was amazing and we had a fabulous time!

Cherishing Moments {Or At Least Trying} Augustine is 4 Weeks Old Today!

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not really a moment cherisher.  I always feel guilty that I wish my way through pregnancy counting down first the trimesters, then the months, then the weeks, and finally the days.  I feel junky when I'm pregnant.  I enjoy the kicks and the ultrasounds, the heart tones, and the anticipation but really even after all of our losses and how I always feel like I've won the lottery when those two lines both turn pink I still just don't like being pregnant.   I gain a million pounds and I have constant heart burn.  Then the babies come.  I really enjoy those first moments in the hospital or just after giving birth.  I think one of my fondest post birth memories (after meeting the baby, of course) was when I had Josie (now 3) and my dad and Jesse went to seek out some sort of food for me (I believe they came back with McDonald's fries and ice cream) while my mom and I took turns holding little Jo.  This time, though, when my parents came into the recovery room to see the baby there was no baby.  At least not with me.  There was no post birth cuddling or first nursing.  No pink and blue baby hat or baby burrito.  It was just me, tired, worn, and in shock.  And so I learned the beauty of cherishing the moments.....My mom and Jesse went to see the baby in the NICU and my dad kept me company.  It was nice to chat but really I wanted to scream "someone bring me my baby".  I actually DID scream that multiple times that night in between a fitful sleep.  I sent Jesse down to the NICU a billion times that first night and demanded he send me pictures (thank you, God, for modern technology).  He texted that he didn't want to send me this one but I made him.  Wow, it broke my mama heart but I tried to be strong and not cry because I was afraid if I did he wouldn't send me more....

 

 

 

The next days weren't much prettier.  There was this picture....

 

 

And this one....where my little Superman was smiling in his sleep (as he so often still does).

 

Our story was short lived and *ended* well with only a 9 day NICU stay, only two blood patches for me, and a lesson in "moment cherishing" that I hope I won't soon forget. 

(Augustine and I two days after his birth.  If ever there was a heaven on earth I'm pretty sure this moment was it for me.)

Today the little guy (who has gone from 7lbs13oz to a whopping 10lbs3oz) is 4 weeks old!  He doesn't really sleep at night and gives me LOTS of time to cherish the moments.  He's healthy, happy, and perfect.  He still smiles in his sleep (during the day...he sleeps during the day).

 

(Augustine with Brandon about a week ago)

 

(Augustine at his first prayer meeting last Friday)

 

(Augustine with my mom and dad after his baptism.  It's cold...he's in the white)