It's OK To Say It {When You're Worn Through}

I was driving home from Target today and thought "Geez I'm worn through."  Then I thought "Geez I'm worn through a lot.  What is wrong with me?"  I wondered if I admitted being worn through if others would tell me to stop having babies, to stop homeschooling, to stop this or that, to create more opportunities for "self care", etc etc.  I wondered if the moms with two kids who send them to school don't feel worn through - of course they do sometimes.  Everyone does.  That's life. Regardless of our circumstances or family size surely we all feel down or discouraged occasionally.

 Last night as Jesse and I were talking I said "I can't do this anymore".  I'm not even sure what *this* I meant exactly.  All I know is that I felt like whatever *this* was too much and I couldn't do it.  Then I read THIS post of diary entries by a brand new Saint - St. Zelie Martin (St. Therese of the Child Jesus' mother).  "Life is short and full of misery" she says.  Ha!  This from a Saint?  I have certainly thought the same thing and then thought "this is why I will never be a Saint - because I think things like that". But there it is.  She thought it too.  Not all the time, of course, joy and gratitude are important as well.  But reality shouldn't be denied.  It's Ok to say it. 

As it happens I'm blessed to be surrounded by countless amazing mothers, all of whom admit to feeling worn through now and again.  Sometimes there are weeks or months when they feel on their game but often it's a daily grind.  I hear them say that they feel like there is something wrong with them, which was my first thought today as I felt overwhelmed by the endless tasks that lay before me.  Everyday is basically the same - dishes, laundry, meals, diapers, nursing, schooling, errands, activities.  Day in and day out.  Nothing seems to really get done.  Day after day, week after week, year after year I perform the same daily tasks and at the end of each day the house is usually a mess and someone is dissatisfied and I think "well...this isn't really that fun".  But who wants to say it?  Who wants to be the one to share their honest heart?  What will people think if I say that after 12 kids and 24 years I still struggle, I still don't get it right?  Sometimes I feel anxious about things that I should really be leaving to God.  Does that make me less of a Christian?  We live in a Pinterest world where the perfect and neat is displayed and the hard stuff is hidden so as to only show our best face.  I believe that satan wants us to hide our struggles from eachother so we all feel alone and isolated which then leads to more struggles.  The internet and social media connects us in various ways to more people than we could ever be connected to without it yet many of us are lonelier than we've ever been.  I have a sweet friend who posts beautiful photos of her travels as she goes to an from her children's school in the mornings.  When I see her pictures I think " I wonder if she's screaming at her kids to GET.IN.THE.CAR.ALREADY" or if the scene in her car is as beautiful and serene as the scene outside - the sunshine, green grass, snow glistening.  I know if I asked her she would be real with me but how many people are brave enough to be real?  Maybe her reality is serene and that's OK too - then I can ask her what her secret is.  But really we all need honesty and truth. 

As I get older and further down this marriage and parenting journey I'm worrying less about what people will think of me and focusing more on the One Who I love above all others.  I don't get hours of scripture reading or prayer time in each day but I give what I can and then I give a little more.  I had to make hard choices to cut out certain activities (like co op for younger kids) in order to stop looking like I can "do it all" and admit that I can't and I'm not meant to and I don't need to.  I don't need to prove that I can juggle 1000 activities and projects.  I can't.  I don't even want to.  So there, I said it.  I'm so grateful that some people CAN do those things and that they feel called to do them but I don't.  I know I'm called to homeschool but for me that means HOMEschool.  Using the term school loosely....but goodness it used to be fun and I believe it can be again when I admit that I am not designed to homeschool like 10 other women.  I'm designed to homeschool like ME.  As women in this culture I think we carry a heavy burden regardless of whether we send our kids to school, educate them at home, or even have kids at all.  We have received messages since forever that we need to be everything or we are nothing.  The thing is that we aren't "things".  We aren't human DOINGS we are human BEINGS and we are "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14) by God!  Each of us are individuals.  So I can call upon my friend Lydia to knit my baby a sweater because truly I will never learn how to knit.  I can call upon my friend Keisha with recipe questions, my mom gets stains out like no one else.  Perhaps it's pride that has kept me from seeing the gifts in others for what they are - the beauty of God's design.  It's not my duty to be like everyone else but to be who God created me to be.  And in those times of being who I am I know that I'm worn out, worn through, and I need others to help me carry my crosses.  When we were having Jesse's medical issues I vowed I wouldn't say no to any help offered.  And I didn't.  But it was HARD.  Pride wanted to me to say we were "fine" but we weren't fine.  My kids needed extra helping hands, we needed meals, prayers, support.  What good ever comes from wearing ourselves thin?  What good comes from not sharing our struggles?  We all have stuff and we all need eachother.  God has created us all to be a beautiful tapestry.  Without our different strengths we are boring.  I see this in my kids - how all of their different strengths makes for an amazing family.  I see that it's hard for some of them to ask others for help but when they do both parties learn something.  I tell the kids it's ok to say "I don't know how to do this" or "This is too hard for me, can someone help?".  It's ok for us moms too (and dads) to speak our truth as it is in that moment or season.  Different perspectives can be learned and we can journey through this life that can be "short and full of misery" together.  Remember even the Saints struggled through regular daily life.  Feeling sunk isn't a failure but a normal response to the trials of this life.  Eternity will be an endless banquet but for now we are here.  And we are in it together.

Planning For Lent

Well here we go - Lent is fast approaching.  I just received my copy of Bringing Lent Home with Pope Francis.  I own all of the other versions (Mother Teresa, John Paul II, and St. Therese) and haven't been disappointed yet.  This year I'm planning to invest in THIS program for myself.  Hannah says I shouldn't over commit and, realistically, I:  A) Always overcommit and B) Take the 40 days of Lent and the 50 days of the Easter Season to finish my Lenten plans....I figure God is outside of time so even if Lent takes the whole year I'm good. 

I recently purchased THIS to download and print for the kids so they can work on the Works of Mercy during Lent.  I LOVE the Happy Saints ebooks and own quite a few.  Right now they are offering the Works of Mercy one for 10% off with the coupon code WORKS. 

Lent can sometimes feel tricky for me.  On the days of mandatory fasting I struggle.  Strange because I hardly eat on a regular day so who cares if I have to fast?  Satan.  He pulls at us from every angle trying to weaken our resolve.  Society as a whole seems to have lost the desire to live without excess.  Lent is a time to not only live without excess but to pare down even the most minimal things in our life with the idea that as we empty out we will focus more on Christ.  He fills us up with His love and the more we get to know Him, really know Him, the less we need anything in excess.  And the less we desire things in excess the less we listen to the lies of satan telling us this or that will fill us up.  For me this is a long conversion and takes more than 40 or 90 days.  It involves a lot of messing up, forgetting my resolve, remembering my resolve and then starting over.  The priest at Mass yesterday spoke of hitting the reset button in our lives.  For me that involves confessing my sins to a priest, making amends to those I have hurt, and starting again.  Whether it's the season of Lent or not that is how I try to live my life.  Some days I manage while others I just don't.  On the days that I don't live out what I profess to believe I know that it's because I haven't fully allowed Jesus into my heart that day.  I have put myself at the center and knocked Him off the throne.  Lent is a time to really, truly examine who or what is at the center of our hearts so when Easter arrives we can rejoice in the risen Lord renewed in heart, mind, and spirit.  This year Ash Wednesday falls on February 10.  Whether you're regularly attending Mass or you haven't been in years pray about beginning again this year.  God's Mercy is there waiting for you.  Just as it feels amazing to clean a closet or wash a car, unloading our gunk and cleaning our souls feels a billion times better and the effects of that go on for all eternity.  No one is too far from God to be brought back.  No matter what you have done or how bad you think it is/you are it's very simple to return to God. 

I would love to hear your plans for Lent or any resources that you would recommend!  Praying for a peaceful Lent for you all.

#unitedwithmarchforlife2016

Jesse, Katie, Hannah, and Jackson *should* be heading to Washington DC right now to attend the March for Life.  Bags were packed and Metro cards were loaded but the weather didn't permit and the busses had to cancel.  What a disappointment with a side of relief since we had been praying and discerning about what to do since the weather forecasts started looking a little more than terrifying.  I try not to buy into media hype.  As one friend said when I texted yesterday to ask her opinion "I'm mad that I can't trust any weather station".  So true.  We cannot.  News and ratings is the name of the game... and fear.  I refuse to be ruled by fear.  Jesse and I wanted to do what GOD wanted and not where the fear of the unkown led us.  So after much discussion and prayer we decided that if the busses didn't cancel then they would attend the march.  I won't lie and say I didn't waver a bit but Jesse reminded me of our commitment to not let fear overcast our decision. 

That subject, fear, made me think of all of the women who are so scared that they choose to have an abortion.  I know well that an unexpected pregnancy drives fear through the heart like nothing else can.  As a single, teenage mom I feared everything under the sun from providing for my baby to never getting to go to college and all things in between.  As a mom of many the fear of judgment, stress on a marriage, what will my older children think of me, how will we provide for one more person, am I strong enough to parent one more child into adulthood?  As a teen it's "aren't I too young for this?" and as a woman in her 40's it's "aren't I too old for this?"  Fear.  It's a joy stealer.  And if we aren't careful it rules our lives and drives us to lose sight of the One Who centers us, the One that can bring good out of anything, the One Who only wants us to love Him.  He only wants our hearts.  Fear causes panic, God brings peace.  When we panic we do things that we may regret for the rest of our lives.  Please know that if you have made a choice, whatever it was, that you now regret God's love and mercy is there.  You have NO need to fear.  He loves you and wants only to shower you with his abundant grace.  His Divine Mercy is poured out for everyone and, as St. John Paul II said, "do not be afraid".  Fear is always a tool of satan.  We must be prudent, yes, we must seek wisdom and truth, but fear should never play into our choices. 

In the end, in regards to this March for Life trip, the busses did cancel and God's will was abundantly clear.   Of course the answers aren't always so transparent and this one, frankly, cut it a little close for my comfort level.  The March, itself, will go on.  There are people in DC already and others who are headed there.  Our family will march in our own way from our home because we aren't just pro life on January 22 but always, everyday, and in every way from conception until natural death.

If your family feels the same groups are asking that we post family photos to social medias or other outlets with the hash tag #unitedwithmarchforlife2016 .  Together we can and do make a difference.  I believe that one day all life will be created equal - just as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr spoke about.  ALL life.  March on, friends, wherever you are!

 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7 

When You Feel Like You've Failed and Failed Again

It's the end of another Sunday.  As I lay the baby down I reflect on my day and think "I failed.  And failed again".  I failed the "day of rest".  Oh sure I went to Mass with my family which, frankly, is anything BUT restful.  I did my Rosary, Divine Mercy Chaplet, and other prayers.  I walked, I cooked, I parented.  I also shopped, cleaned, did laundry.  I'm not sure what Sunday should look like.  These days I'm not sure what any day should look like.  When I get to the end of my day and my laundry is done, fridge is cleaned out, meals are planned for the week I second guess myself.  Did I do enough school?  Read to the kids enough?  Pray enough?  What about exercise, eating right, reaching out to friends?  When I get to the end of the day and I've spent gobs of time on the previously mentioned people and things my house is a disaster, tasks undone, and there is cereal for dinner I wonder if my children will be forever scarred from mess and unpredictability.   I hear it's about balance.  I think it's about where I feel led that day.  Before my feet hit the ground every morning I pray "God, give me the Grace to do YOUR WILL this day".  Some days I feel led to make my home more livable while others this kid or that one needs me.  Or they all do.  If I'm doing God's Will how can I be failing then?  Yet I feel like a failure.  There is no check box at the end of my day that says "Yes you did God's will" or "No, try again".  Satan works his gnarly way in and plants seeds of doubt in my already tired mama heart.  I think of all I could have done better, should have done better, and all that I didn't do at all. 

 

Still they smile on, my kids.  I don't know what kind of memories they will have or what their perception of their childhoods will be.  I see Pinterest moments all wrapped up in perfect and know they won't be that.  I know I shouldn't seek perfection...maybe I should seek only good enough.  What is it that I want for my children most?  To love God and to get to heaven.  I know that I cannot get them there but He can.  Just as I give them the tools to learn math and reading and writing I give them the tools to know Jesus.  I believe God seeks order in our homes and in our lives.  I also believe we can find God in chaos and mess.  Proverbs 8:17 says "I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently will find me".  I seek Him diligently daily.  I find Him daily.  Daily I am grateful for His love and mercy.  But is all that I am doing, seeking, and finding enough?  Or do I fail and fail again?

 

 

I won't lie.  Sometimes I wonder if I had stopped at one child could I have achieved some kind of perfection as a parent?  While honing in on one person could I have made it all just right?  Of course I know that I couldn't but I have thought about it.  For me parenting is sometimes just a long amount of time spent holding my breath waiting to see how it turns out.  Brandon will be 24 next month.  I've been holding my breath for a very.long.time.  My temperament drives me to dig and to attempt to perfect and to change and change and change until it's "just right".  Of course just right will never happen until we reach our heavenly home.  Maybe that's my feeling at the end of each day.  The feeling that I'm not sure if what I have done has taken me a rung closer to heaven or a rung backwards. 

 

 

Since there is no report card for our daily lives (aside from a daily examination of conscience) I guess there is nothing to do but to continue to ask for Grace and seek to do His will again and again and again.  Of course I know that some days I will listen and others I will do MY will but perhaps the key here is to not let satan in and proclaim "failure".  A failure surrenders to failing while a Saint keeps trying even amidst trials, temptations, and perceived failings.  No one (aside from Jesus) will ever be perfect in this world.  Perhaps seeking that perfection is enough and actively putting into practice the tools God has given us to step on the next rung be it day after day or maybe after years of going backwards.  He desires us, our hearts, and he loves us - even if we feel like we failed and failed again.

 

"My flesh and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my everlasting inheritance"

Psalm 73:26

 

 

 

Finding Normal

 

"Yesterday is gone, tomorrow has not yet come, we have only today, let us begin"

Mother Teresa

When Jesse and I were going through a particularly difficult time in our marriage Jesse used to say "I just want everything back to normal".  Our then counselor would say "No, you don't.".  Back then normal meant all kinds of unhealthy behaviors, a fair amount of arguments, and little mercy on both parts.  I guess that normal felt familiar while the "new normal" felt scary.  We were flushing out all the scum that had accumulated over 20 years time and that was pretty scary and painful.  I bring this up today because Jesse is back to work (praise God!) full time just 9 days after the removal of most of his left lung.  When I got up this morning the coffee was ready complete with the note that accompanies it from Jesse each morning.  "Ahhh normal" I thought.  But, no, I don't want normal.  Even our new normal consisted of a lot of things that really don't matter.  Less than a month ago we lost our sweet baby.  Life is fragile.  And thanks be to God for us this cancer was just a scare but it screamed "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE PAST!  PLEASE MOVE FORWARD WHILE YOU STILL CAN" to me.  Again and again and again.  And as I spent time with Jesse last week watching him suffer and slowly progress satan said the opposite.  He said "you're a fool, he deserves this, and you need to walk out the door.".  I won't lie.  The internal struggle was real.  I imagined it like St. Michael fighting against satan because that's how I felt.  Little sleep, massive stress and caffeine consumption, sleeping on a bench, being human...well.  You can imagine what that looked like.  Probably right now I sound like a boasting jerk or just a jerk.  Maybe I am a jerk but I'm an honest one. 

Thanks be to God we were in a Catholic hospital.  Mass and adoration were just a flight of stairs away.  I coveted those graces and needed every single one.  Not because it doesn't come natural for me to care for a loved one.  It really does.  But the strain of the miscarriage, the holidays, being away from the kids, and the extent of Jesse's suffering took a toll.  At one point I did walk out in complete frustration and called a trusted friend crying.  I wasn't sure how long we would be in the hospital which is crazy making for me because I'm a planner.  I wasn't sure how long his recovery would take, what he would be able to do when he got home.  I missed our evening walks, talks, and board game playing.  I missed normal...the new normal...and now there is another new normal.  One that says letting go of the past isn't weak but strong. 

Today I took a walk with Augustine and marveled in the color of the sky.  A blue like I've never seen before.  Or maybe I have but never noticed.  A couple of weeks ago I wasn't sure if we were facing chemotherapy, radiation, or worse.  Today I know that we are not.  Not now.  Today I know a sliver of that empty feeling when your best friend and spouse can't be reached, isn't there to carry the heavy bag, or warm up the car.  Once during the surgery the anxiety was getting to me and I thought I should call Jesse.  I simply can not imagine losing a spouse.  What once I took for granted will (hopefully) no longer be.  There may still be dirty socks left on the floor, empty glasses of water that *were* mine but *he* took a drink, misunderstandings, and painful memories but the reality is those things don't matter.  Today matters.  It's all we have.  I don't mean to be simplistic here.  I know well the big issues that must be addressed and dealt with.  That used to be our normal.  The in between normal when I longed for new and Jesse longed for old.  Transformation comes from difficulty if we let it, if we let Him work in our lives.  I had to ask, beg, a lot for strength.  I needed to ask for grace to believe that God didn't take our baby to punish us in some way but to bless us in a way that maybe I don't get just yet.  I heard on KLove today that the world isn't suffering because of so much darkness but because of the absence of light.  You all - you were the light in our darkness.  And your prayers and generosity changed our lives to a new new normal that hopefully will never fade. 

 

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

John 1:5