{Saying Goodbye Again}

 

I pushed the cart through Kroger tears rolling down my face.  The crisp, bright spring morning should have been a day of celebration but instead I was fitting all of the errands in before we headed, once again, to the Angelus Memorial to lay our baby to rest.  I felt sad that this has become sort of routine, expected.  No longer do I feel the need to map out the way there.  I know the way and I know it well.  I also counted my blessings and rejoiced in my heart knowing that our baby was in the arms of Jesus but the human in me longed to have her here still growing beneath my heart.

 

 

I called Jesse when I went out to the van after loading the groceries.  "I don't want to go" I said.  And I didn't.  She is gone from here already.  Why must I go and endure that tiny box again?  The box is locked away behind a wall and never will I see it again.  I know she's not there - that's a body - and her soul is in heaven but still how my eyes ache to see that beating heart just one more time.  Jesse says it's important to go and I ask if we can get donuts after.  He says yes.  I marvel at the relationship he and I have now.  I can be a real me with him now in a way I never could before.  This fact alone raises my spirits long enough to make it home to unload groceries, retrieve hugs from kids ranging in age from 1 - 15 and head off to pick up some of the girls from their atrium class at church.  Then it's a whirlwind of lunch, wardrobe and diaper changes, jamming into the van and heading north to the memorial location.

 

 

Today is the Feast of Our Lady of Fatima and the beginning of Pentecost Weekend.  It's a marvelous day to physically give our baby back to the One Who allowed her life in the first place.  As God always does, He gave me the strength to get through this day, this hard day, this glorious day. And as promised we got donuts after.  I shared them with my favorite people in the world and wondered if there are donuts in heaven. 

 

 

"Let nothing disturb you" - that's what I heard God speaking to me tonight at the prayer meeting.  Nothing?  Really?  But my chest is tight from all of the pain and darkness that seems to be surrounding us and those that we know and those that we love.  But He says nothing and so I'll try.  The baby's remains are safely buried and her soul is surely in heaven, the donuts have been eaten and the sun has gone down but today will live on in my mind and heart forever.  At the end of it I realize that no matter what there is always something to be grateful for.  So much, in fact, I can't list all of the blessings.

 

 

"Let nothing disturb you. Let nothing frighten you. All things pass. God does not change. Patience achieves everything. Whoever has God lacks nothing. God alone suffices."

St. Teresa of Avila

When It Didn't Turn Out Like You Thought {Mother's Day Reflections On How Our Family Came To Be}

I started my journey of mothering as a high school student.  That made my situation more difficult but my goal was still the same as it would have been had I had "ideal" circumstances - happy, healthy children.  I stumbled through the first few years of mothering as I navigated well meaning people giving massive amounts of advice.  Thank you, Jesus, there was NO internet then.  I had stacks of books and my parenting magazines but if I would have had google at my fingertips I probably would have messed up worse than I already did.  It took me a few kids and the beginnings of putting God at the center to begin to trust my instincts.  I would call those early years of parenting a hot mess.  *I* was a hot mess.  The kids were awesome.  Again, I thank Jesus that there was no facebook to commemorate my enormous pride and my "do it this way or you're wrong" attitude.   Still, those early years kids turned out pretty awesome.

 

(Sadly Brandon is far away today so here's a picture from his wedding in July 2014)

 

There I had it.  Three kids.  One more than "normal".  I was 24 years old and had found my parenting "nitch".  Or so I thought.  I thought I knew stuff back then.  I had no idea what these kids and God had in store for me.  To be honest some days I counted the years until they would be grown and out of the house.  I was young and I would be young when they left.  Well as the old saying goes - if you want to make God laugh - make plans.  Enter the next few kids and a cracked door the God's love and mercy.

 

 

Anxiety and depression plagued my daily life but oh the JOY these "bonus" kids brought me.  With each positive pregnancy test my heart leapt for joy even if my stomach was tight at the thought of morning sickness, exhaustion, and another person to take care of.  No matter - even in those days I knew what a GIFT each child was.  Six.  Six kids was TWICE what I thought we would have.  And I was still pretty young.  I could still "do stuff" when they were gone although the dreams of such things were fading in the distance.  I was full swing into homeschooling then and getting more comfortable in my Church.  I was soaking up stories of the saints and Bible studies and the teachings of John Paul II.  I hadn't yet learned to unite my sufferings with Christ.  I hadn't learned to temper my temper or pride but my eyes were open and God was gently leading me in His ways.  He is such a good Father.  He wasn't angry or forceful as I had once imagined.  He stayed with me.  With that came a whirlwind of babies one after another and HARD lessons that would transform my heart forever.

 

 

When baby 7 (Mary) arrived my anxiety was pretty much out of control.  Panic attacks were a daily occurrence.  Mary Therese was such a delightful baby.  Our first blue eyed/blond haired baby.  I delighted in waking up next to her everyday.  Not long after she was born we visited a relic of St. Therese.  I could feel God urging me to put more trust in Him.  I pleaded with Him that if I was to continue on this journey of mothering a large family that, please, could He heal me of this anxiety and frequent depression.  A week later the depression and anxiety vanished and a couple of days after that I found out we were expecting Cecilia.  Mary and Cecilia would be our closest babies so far.  Again I was so joy filled but also fear filled.  God kept His promise, though, and my anxiety and depression ceased and never returned.  Cecilia arrived safe and sound nine months later.  After Cecilia the frequent miscarriages started.  There was so much to be learned through those losses.  That was when I first realized that being open to life also meant being open to loss.  And wow those losses hurt.  In the midst of it, though, God blessed us with Clare and then Josie.  FOUR beautiful girls in four years!  It was a baby palooza and I was overjoyed.  I no longer counted the years before my real life could begin.  This WAS my real life.  And I began to count the years until my real life would end.  When would they leave home?  When would I be alone in a house that would take 15 minutes to clean?  And WHO would I cook for as the mouths to feed dwindled to just Jesse and I?  I stuffed those thoughts away and tried to immerse myself first in God's Word and then in my beautiful, amazing children.

 

Then came Frances and Augustine - 13 months apart.  Frances' birth was my first csection and her life thus far has involved (for me) a complete change of heart, mind, preconceived notions about just about everything.  Yet she exudes a peace that has carried me through.  She often says "Jesus is in my heart, mommy" and indeed, He is.  Her presence makes me feel peaceful.  What a gift.  When she was only 5 months old we found out that Augustine was on the way.  I was certain that I would miscarry as had been my pattern.  But for the first time in many years I did not miscarry and Augustine arrived early and a bit traumatically.  A DOZEN kids.  It didn't seem possible.  Loving them has never been an issue but giving them what they deserve is my issue everyday.  God made a way for me to complete my bachelor's degree while pregnant with Augustine.  A lifelong goal that I had long since given up hope on.  That's the key - God made a way.  He makes a way always.  The once closed door between Him and I (that I had closed) was cracked slightly and then burst open and now He showers me with GRACE and mercy every moment of every day.  When I thought my marriage was over He was there.  When I fear for my children's futures He is there.  It's never Him that forgets to come to me but me that forgets to go to Him. 

 

 

 

Sadly I fear I really am at the end of my fertile years.  Last year on Mother's Day I found out I was pregnant.  We lost that baby and two more babies after that.  The memorial for our latest soul in Heaven will be on Our Lady of Fatima's Feast day/the beginning of Pentecost Sunday.  When she died I looked at Jesse and said "I've had a good run".  Perhaps not the most profound statement ever but so true.  The thing about parenting is that it isn't measured in how many years until they leave.  They never leave.  Even those babies of mine in Heaven - they never leave.  They are all wrapped safely in my heart where they will be forever.  And now we have a daughter in law and a son in law to add to our very full lives.  More to love.  When I share my grief about no more babies (yes I'm greedy) Jesse says "you never know".  He's right.  I don't know.  God always has something better in store for us.

 

 

So far my anxiety and depression have never returned even through the worst traumas of my life.   I LOVE being a mother and wife.  I have hard hard days, weeks, and months but my vocation is not a hardship.  It's not something to pass the time until something that pays better comes along.  I parent these little ones so much differently than I did the older kids.  Is it better or worse?  I don't know.  I ask them sometimes.  They don't know either.  At the end of my life I want my kids, first, to know Jesus and second to know that I loved them with my whole heart, brokenness and all.