Where I Babble Too Long About the Duggars {A Day Late, I Know}

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven…” – Luke 6:37

 

I must admit I have steered away from my only media outlet - Facebook - because the Duggar hate is too much.  Not only is it Duggar hate but it's big family hate, Jesus follower hate, people that don't live like the rest of cookie cutter society hate.  Wow.  It's ugly.  I'm embarrassed to admit there was some hot debate amongst those in my own home this very morning over this issue.  Since  most of the media has hated the Duggar family and all that they stand for as long as I can remember this information doesn't come as a surprise to me.  It's sad that it happened but what really stands out to me is the family's humility, honesty, and the way they handled the situation.  They didn't cover it up, pretend it didn't happen, not deal with it, etc.  I see people blaming the Duggar's faith and "repressed" way of living for the incident but what I see is their faith bringing them through an incident that many, many, many others have endured (on both sides of the issue) with no resolution at all leaving broken people and repeated sexual violations.   

 

I've seen leaders of our country commit similar sins and not admit it, not get help for it, and not be raked through the coals for it.  I've seen the reports of government officials using government time and money to buy strip clubs, use internet pornography, solicit prostitutes, and much more.  Yet they are still voted in, kept in office, and receive hardly more than a slap on the hand for their activities. I won't even go into sports figures that we put on a pedestal and who get paid millions of dollars a year.   But wow, a 14 year old boy who was taken to the police, given counseling, forgiveness, and love - yeah - he should be condemned forever.

 

 

As a parent of a large family you're already under everyone's microscope.  I see comments like "if they didn't have so many kids this wouldn't have happened".  Really?  Something like 3 in 5 girls is molested by the age of 18 years old.  There are maybe .01% of families who have 11 kids or more.  Are we to believe that all of the people in big families are molesting those in smaller ones? 

 

The fact is if you dig hard enough you will find something on everyone that you know - including those in your own home.  NONE of us are without sin of some kind or another.  The question is how do we deal with it once it happens?  It seems to me the Duggars did the right thing.  Now their show has been cancelled.   I'm not so sure that's a bad thing for them but I will miss them.  I think this whole thing speaks to a much larger issue, though.  It would seem we are not a society of forgiveness, mercy, redemption.  I like to repeat "There but for the grace of God go I" over and over again.  I don't want my teenage exploits published in a tabloid.  I don't want my young adult activities published in a tabloid.  I am grateful for God's grace, mercy, and forgiveness and that of my loved ones and friends as well.

 

 

 

To read the humble statement by the Duggars go HERE.  I love that Josh told his now wife and her family 2 years before they were even engaged!  So many people go into marriage with lies buried within them.  But he didn't do that.  He was honest and transparent.  That's something to admire.  I know many people won't agree with me and that's OK.  I'm used to that.  I know people watch our kids and family just waiting for someone to step out of line so they can say "see - homeschooling, church going, media filtering - it doesn't matter" and that's also OK.  My kids are not perfect.  Neither am I.  I pray for them to make right decisions and to follow God's laws because that will bring them joy filled lives but I know enough to know they may not always do that.  I hope and pray that whatever my kids do I will walk beside them with love, grace, and humility like Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar did.  Our job as parents is to teach our child what the right path is.  We need to do that in word and (maybe most importantly) by example.  Certainly they will most likely stray now and again and maybe some will never come back.  That's a possibility open to ALL of us.

 

 

 

My heartfelt prayers are with the Duggar family and any person that faces this type of persecution based on past sinful behavior that they have repented of and made restitution for.  I pray that all people learn to be merciful and mostly I pray for the world to know that Jesus' mercy is for EVERYONE. 

 

"When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her."

John 8:7

{Transformations}

They arrived in a plastic container several weeks ago.  Little caterpillars that Josie liked to watch ever day.  She would sit at the counter with the instructions and watch them and rattle off a list of their goings on to me while I washed dishes.  Eventually they made cocoons and we taped them to the top of their mesh container and secured them up high away from little hands and the cat.  If you looked closely you could sometimes see the cocoons wiggling a bit.  Everyday Josie would request the instructions (sometimes I couldn't find them....) and to view the cocoons.  Until one day when we checked there they were....butterflies.  Beautiful, soft, silently flying around, sipping from the orange wedges and apple cores provided for them as if they had always been what they were.  As if they were never wormy looking things with hair.  It made me think of my own journey.  I think I'm still in the cocoon.  I don't know that I will ever emerge the beautiful butterfly like our caterpillars did.  But it's certainly my goal each day as I wake up.

 

Romans 12:2 is a favorite of mine.  "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

 

 

What does it mean to not conform to the pattern of this world?  I suppose it means something different for everyone.  For me I had to give up a lot of the things (media, music, lifestyle choices) that were blocking my ability to serve my family and accept God's Grace in the way I was intended to do so.  It meant reciting a million Litany of Humility prayers and accepting my body and vocation for what it is - hopelessly flawed, not considered useful, good, important, or any of the things that the world views as successful.  All around us on TV, social media, blogs, books, magazines, billboards, etc. we see the images of what is supposed to be good enough.  Only it's not.  Because when we find our worth in other things and not Christ then nothing is ever good enough. 

 

 

For many years in my marriage and family I looked for Jesse and the kids to fill me up, to show me my worth, to tell me my worth, to make me feel important.  I *am* important but not because they say so, not because they may or may not make right choices, but because God made me.  That's the one and only thing that will ever make me important.  Putting pressure on my husband, kids (job, other family, friends, the media, the world) to make me feel important or good enough isn't fair to them and it will never bring me the peace that I desire.  The world says our worth is in our paycheck or our bodies or the kind of car we drive.  The Bible says that to be fully transformed we must detach from the things of this world so we can have something much better.  I used to be a bitter person.  I thought the world owed me something.  I was always on the defensive, ready to be lied to and taken advantage of.  I thought if I lived ready for those things then I could somehow ward them off or protect myself.    I longed for the joy that I saw in others but never believed it could be mine because I had victimized myself.   That was a terrible way to live.  It made people avoid me and disregard what I said.  It gave a bad name to Christianity in general as I professed to be a Christian but my language and actions didn't back up who I said I was.   I think I needed a lot of time in that cocoon.  Alone.  I needed to let Jesus and the Holy Spirit convict my heart.  Mostly I needed to know and admit that I was not perfect because, aside from Jesus, no one is.  And everyday is a new day to start again.

 

^" I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Galatians 2:20

 

 

 

And so all these weeks later, after watching them from small worms to cocoons we let the butterflies go.  Their beautiful transformation was seemingly simple, quick, and obvious.  In life our transformations may be none of those things.  And in reality the butterfly's transformations are by no means easy. They work hard to eat enough, create their cocoons, and come out a miraculous creation. 

 

Jesus calls us to do the same no matter how imperfect we are, no matter what we have done in the past or even today, we are all meant to be beautiful butterflies who do our best to make the world a better place. 

 

"to put off your old self,which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds,  and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness."

Ephesians 4: 22 - 24

 

 

 

 

 

Gratitude Sunday

 

This week we celebrated Owen (May 14).  He turned 17!  I couldn't ask for a better son.  He's a great guy to chat with, always has something interesting going on, self taught and self motivated, a hard worker, and has a huge servant's heart.  So grateful for the gift that Owen is to our family.

 

 

We also ventured out to Greenfield Village.  Unfortunately it was a little colder than we thought it would be but the kids didn't seem to mind.  It was a blessing just to be outside and to get some fresh air.  We met some friends there and had a lovely afternoon.

 

 

Co Op ended this week as did Religious Ed.  We are grateful to have a full summer planned already with camps and Vacation Bible School, basketball for the younger boys, and hopefully a trip or two to the Toledo Zoo.  I tend to enjoy the lazy days of summer and not plan too much.  Our school year has mostly come to an end.  Hannah has graduated High School this year (Yay Hannah!) and will attend the homeschool prom next week. 

 

I plan to delve back in to my gratitude journal and have a few summer reading books planned for myself.  My kindle is loaded and ready to roll for late nights of reading. 

 

Blessings abound every moment of every day all around us.  Praying for you all as the new week begins.

 

When You're Broken and Blessed

When the week brings ups and downs, endings and beginnings, cold, heat, frustrations and contentment...it's then that life seems confusing to me.  A new life starts and stops too soon, another battle against the ugliness of cancer ends, and a young girl's future hangs in the fog of unsure.  The soft pillow of Christ is the only place to turn.

 

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

 

Sometimes it seems like prayers go unanswered.  We were delighted to learn that a new baby was on the way only to have our joy turn to mourning when we learned that baby wasn't viable.  Another soul for Christ which is to be praised and another hole in this mom's heart. 

 

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted"

Matthew 5:4

 

A family loses a husband and father.  A community loses a friend.  And I wonder if this week will test the faith I profess is strong.  I beg God to give me the grace to understand, not question, and to continue to know that even though I see only what's here and now He sees the ending of it all.  He knows the reasons for the things that we can't make sense of. 

 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28

 

When I'm in this place I remember how very blessed I am.  My heart breaks, I grieve losses, but I know that in my brokenness HIS light will shine, HIS Hand is in all of this.  I think of the Consecration during Mass when the Priest BREAKS the Host.  It is in that brokenness that WE are blessed.  We feed our souls with the Body of Christ and when I say Amen I am saying "I accept your will, Lord.  I accept your plan for my life.  I want what you want."  I am human, I feel pain, I feel sorrow.  I am a mother and my greatest desire is to meet my babies earth side, raise them, watch them grow, and to someday be with them in Heaven.  But I know that our children are not rights, they are not possessions.  I don't deserve to have one baby or ten or thirteen.  Our children are on loan, gifts from God.  The goal is that they should be returned to Him someday.  Some are returned earlier than others.  And there is great JOY in this mom's heart that another of our children will be seated at the feet of Jesus for all eternity.  A soul is fully developed at the moment of conception and we believe they go straight up to Heaven when their little lives end in the womb.  What's not to rejoice about?  My loss, yes, our family's loss, but another Saint watching over us who can intercede for us.  I am grateful.

 

I told Hannah after this week of just so much sadness and loss that it's good reminder for all of us to live and love better.  She says I do a good job.  I'm not so sure.  I get engrossed in cooking, laundry, taxiing kids, and dishes that I all too frequently forget (mostly) to LOVE well.  No one is promised a tomorrow.  Not one of us. 

This week is a good reminder that while we are all broken we are also incredibly blessed.  Not because we will never lose a loved one, suffer a trauma, or carry a cross of immense weight but because we have a God Who loves us and Who is faithful.  There will be a great reunion in Heaven...a celebration unimaginable to me here.  And now I have one more reason to work extra hard to get there. 

 

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18

(Please keep the Hill family in your prayers as they mourn the loss of their father/husband.  Please keep a little girl named Gabby in your prayers as she battles Leukemia.  Thank you.)

On Mother's Day {A Tribute to the Kids That Made Me a Mother}

Here we are again, Mother's Day.  I kind of don't like this day.  I say it every year.  I claim that I go in with zero expectations because being a mother is a privilege and a blessing.  But the secular world has seeped in here and there and I kind of have some expectations that I don't even realize I possess.  Then when those expectations aren't met I feel sad and I don't even know why.  Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Anyway....on Mother's Day what I really like to do is give thanks for the kids that make me a mom. They put up with my cranky moods, need for coffee, short fuse, need for orderliness, forgetfulness, hot headedness, and avoidance of all things that might make me seem like a PTA mom (no offense to PTA moms it just isn't my thing so it's a good thing we homeschool). 

Littlest to biggest - here we go :

 

Augustine is 8 Months old today!  And what a sweet, active guy he is.  He has taught me that no matter how many times I do this mothering thing there's always something to be learned. 

 

 

Frances (Franny, Franny B) and I have been through a lot together.  I went through the toughest time of my life was when she was an infant yet her even temper, laughter, and peacefulness brought so much JOY to our lives.  She can keep up with the big kids and still be my baby.

 

 

Josephine (Josie) needs her own you tube channel.  The other day she cut her hair because she needs to "look good when she goes fishing" (we don't fish).  Those types of things come out of her mouth several times a day.  She can talk me into and out of pretty much anything so the teen years might be a scary time for me.

 

 

Clare (the bear) is the kind of kid that knows what she wants and won't stop until she's made it happen.  She's a hard worker, a great helper to me when the big kids are all at co op, and I'm so glad we were blessed with this little one.  Don't let her small size fool you.  She's a force to be reckoned with.

 

 

Sweet Cecilia has such a big, pure heart.  She would give you her last cookie, the shirt off her back, her bed, whatever it was that she thought you needed.  She's quiet, prayerful, and just likes to be near me.  The feeling is mutual.

 

 

Mary tells the BEST and funniest stories.  She has total recall of every event that has ever happened in her presence.  She's the first of the five littler girls and makes a fabulous baby holder, errand runner, story reader, and is a great example of what having a heart for Jesus looks like.  She's our first blue eyed baby and such a sweet kid.

 

 

 

Samuel (Sam) waited a very long time to have a baby brother.  He keeps the little girls (and now Augustine) cracking up and is always available for baby holding.  He has recently begun playing basketball and his speed will make him a great competitor. 

 

 

Jackson (Jay) is the big brother of choice for a (loud) game of tag or hide and seek.  The little girls ADORE him.  He has also taken up basketball and is very, very good at it.  He's a great one to pick if you are looking for someone to play a board game with or just to have a chat.  Thank you, Jesus, for Jackson!

 

 

Katie is the big sister of choice for all things princess and girly girl-ness but is also Augustine's doting godmother.  She's a unique and modest girl who sets a great example for those around her.  She has brought awesome things like I Love Lucy and Leave it to Beaver into our home again and is always available for fancy hair do's should you need one of those.  Recently she has taken up photography and her pictures are fabulous!

 

 

Owen will be 17 on Thursday!  It seems like just yesterday he was the tiny boy with the deep dimples they placed in my arms at the hospital.  Alas time flies.  Owen is a pro yo yo-er, photographer, and just all around enjoyable to be around.  I'm so grateful for all that Owen brings to our family.

 

 

Hannah graduates High School this month!  And she got a car as well as a steady job.  Hannah was a tough baby and toddler but has more than made up for that and is now an amazing young woman.  She's generous and a very hard worker.  I have no doubt that whatever God has in mind for her she will be awesome at.  She shares my love for coffee and sarcasm.  What's not to love?

 

And now the child of mine (now a married man!) that made me a mom in the first place - Brandon!  Far away in North Carolina I'm grateful for technology and the ability to see him even if it's through an iPhone.  Brandon has introduced me to the best things in life like Jesus, the Holy Spirit, Matt Maher, and Tenth Avenue North.  He's an awesome big brother, son, husband, and friend.  Praise God for sending Brandon to me!  In many ways we grew up together and I'm so grateful for him!

 

 

No one would photo shop Brandon in for me but here I am this morning after Mass with 11/12 of my favorite people on earth.  Being a mother isn't just about teaching but it's also about learning.  I have learned humility, mercy, forgiveness, and mostly I have learned that you can never have "too many" children and a mother's heart is big enough to love whoever God sends her way. 

 

Whatever happens or doesn't happen on *this* day - I know that really everyday is Mother's Day for me in one way or another. 

 

Happy Mother's Day to MY mom and to all the mothers - spiritual mothers, aunts, godmothers, and all women who mother anyone. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Your Marriage Seems Hopeless {On Hard Work, Humility and Surrending to Christ}

There's so much talk these days about marriage.  Mostly about preserving God's original design for marriage which is one man and one woman united forever.  I don't get super involved in all of it because while I truly believe in God's design for marriage I also see what's going on around us.  Marriages - many, many marriages, are dying.  Some end in divorce while others just continue to live in the same home for various reasons but don't display to the world any kind of unity or harmony.  TV shows make men look like idiots and women are objects to be consumed while children are rights/possessions who, of course, take over the household when they become "tweens".  Society is a mess.  So to me upholding marriage between one man and one woman starts in our homes, in my home. 

For as long as I've been married (which is 20 years in October) I've poured over marriage books, retreats, talks, cd's, podcasts, etc trying to find ways to enrich my marriage.  Just like I studied throughout college and read books about pregnancy and childrearing (and later homeschooling) I wanted to read about marriage so that I could be the best wife I could possibly be.  Many of those resources fell flat for one reason or another.  Some weren't a good fit.  Some I didn't want to do so I didn't (and maybe should have).  But I don't regret a single one because I know that all things work together for good for those who love God and follow in His ways (Romans 8:28). 

The truth is for many of those early years I wasn't following in His ways.  I've talked about that before, I know.  But in the years that I finally decided to (slowly) surrender to Him I know every part of what I learned played a role in where Jesse and I are today.

I write this now as a person that has been completely broken, who has been deceived and who has deceived.  I write this as a person that needs to pray for humility daily (many times a day) and who needs to recite scripture, turn to God every minute, and remember that just as Jesse can be annoying (sorry, Jesse) so.can.I. 

There was a point in these 20 years that I for real thought we were done.  I mean I wasn't sure we would actually consider divorce because of the kids and my promise to God but I really thought we would become those people that live in the same home and attend the same events but lead very separate lives.  At that point I cleared the book shelves of marriage books.  I tossed away the emails about how to pray for my husband and I scoffed at marriage retreats, talks, and podcasts.  I prayed all the time for Jesus to let me see Jesse as He does and He granted me that desire on many levels but I wasn't ready to let go of things in the past and stop holding them in Jesse's face every time he forgot to take out the trash.  Just as St. Augustine is quoted as saying "Lord make me pure but not yet" I wanted Jesus to help me forgive, heal, and move on but "not yet".  I was gaining something by bringing up things from the past.  Perhaps it was a way to blow myself up and make myself seem innocent or maybe I wanted to be the victim.  But either way it didn't do for Jesse what I, as his wife, am called to do and that's to build him up, not tear him down.  Is he perfect? Nope.  Has he offended me greatly in the past?  Yes.  Have I done the same?  Yes.  Because that's how marriage works. That's how relationships work.

I recently had a discussion with one of my children about suffering (caused by others), mercy, and forgiveness.  I told her the question isn't "if" your spouse (or someone else) will offend you but when.  And at that moment you have to decide will I let this destroy me (and my children or other family members or friends) or not.  Of course there are times when you have to make choices that you don't want to.  Addictions of any kind can be ugly, dangerous, and destructive.  You must not stay in an abusive relationship that puts yourself or your children in danger.  You don't have to accept unhealthy behaviors and you have every right (and you should) set clear boundaries with those you interact with on a regular basis, especially your spouse.  (I highly recommend the book Boundaries in Marriage).  But we must also accept that, just like us, our spouses are broken people redeemable ONLY by Jesus Christ.  And WE are called to be Jesus to our spouses.  That is where they should see Him.  If we can't be that to our husbands then why would they ever believe they are redeemable?  Husbands are called to mirror Christ to us, as well, but we can't control what our husbands do and we don't answer for their sins.  Only ours. 

My first step in true healing was to surrender fully to the will of God.  Like for real.  Not this wishy washy lip service I'd offered in the past but for real, all out, on my knees surrender to God.  Does that mean I will never get mad at Jesse again?  Of course not. Does that mean he will never offend me or hurt me again?  No.  I will also offend and hurt Jesse in some way.  The test is can we keep that incident the focus of our discussion if it comes up (and often I have to pray about whether I need to bring up EVERY little thing that he has done that has hurt me or if maybe I need to just suck it up sometimes) and can we ask for forgiveness (and grant forgiveness). 

When I look around and see so many hurting and broken marriages, marriages that have ended, and the wreckage it brings my heart aches.  That is when I wonder why the homosexual communities (and others) even desire marriage at all.  It doesn't look so good to me sometimes. 

But there is HOPE.  There is hope in Jesus Christ and there are so many amazing resources available today.  While Christian counseling can do great things it can also be extremely expensive and is out of reach for many people.  I've compiled this list of resources that I wanted to share here (mostly so I can check back and remind myself of them).  If your marriage is hurting reach out to others in your Faith community (or elsewhere). Satan thrives on us living and hurting in the dark, alone.  He convinces us there is no hope but Jesus says there's always hope.  Even in my hardest, crying on the floor, snot all over the face days I knew I could look to Him and somewhere in Him there was hope. 

So we need to pray for the preservation of marriage, yes, but we also need to support marriages around us.  Chances are someone is struggling who is very close to you.  It can sometimes feel like a failure or an embarrassment to discuss it but often getting it out in the open is half of the battle.

I picked up the book "Unveiled Wife" yesterday and stayed up way too late reading it.  The foreword reinforced my experiences over the last few years that marriage can (and should be if we are married) our path to redemption.  Our path to learning mercy, patience, forgiveness, and humility.  Marriage is a beautiful creation by God but our fallen nature can make it messy some days.  I know I need all the resources I can get.  I hope you enjoy these and if you have special prayer requests for your marriage please feel free to email me at ekbladmom9@gmail.com  I would love to pray for you.  And please, keep us in prayer. Satan is ever present and strikes when we least expect it. 


Time Warp Wife

Marriage Prayers Today

Unveiled Wife

Cindy Beall

And somehing for husbands too :

 Husband Revolution