When Women's Health Issues Aren't What You Think

A number of years ago, after passing out a few times and being so tired for months on end that I had to take a nap by 10 a.m. everyday, I went to my trusted family doctor for a check up.  If you know me you know it takes ALOT to get me to the doctor.  Like, I'd have to lose my arm and fail at sewing it back on myself to get me there.  And then I'd drive myself with the one good arm.  So, when Jesse told me he had had enough and that I had to go to the doctor, well, I waited a few weeks and then I went.  Sitting in the exam room I explained my symptoms to him.  He listened, wrote down a few things, and said "well, it sounds like you have too many kids to me."  I was stunned.  He had been our doctor for a decade and while I knew our views on contraception were not the same we had always had a mutual respect.  It's hard to find a doctor that is in line with our more natural view of health care but this doctor had always been a trusted professional that we could turn to.  I didn't really say anything and then he followed with "I can give you an IUD right now.  I won't tell Jesse."  I fumbled for words and had no energy for a fight.  I just said that I would like blood tests and that if he didn't want to give them to me I would find someone that would.  So he pulled out a lab slip and circled about every test available.  He handed it to me and said "you won't be hearing from us because your problem is that you keep having babies.  That won't come up in any blood test." The next morning I went for the blood tests and then went home feeling frustrated.  I was walking everyday, eating right, taking vitamins, drinking lots of water.  Yet I couldn't lose any weight, I had low milk supply for the baby (who was Clare at the time) and I was depressed.  A couple of days later there was a frantic sounding message on my voicemail.  It was the doctor's office. They needed me to call them right away.  I had just finished up an interview to volunteer at a local crisis pregnancy center so I sat in my car in the parking lot and called.  It turns out I had some serious issues going on.  My thyroid levels were through the roof which, apparently, had thrown a bunch of other things off.  The nurse on the other end of the line was emphatic that I pick up my medication and start taking it immediately.  I went straight from there to the pharmacy and within a week or two my life changed dramatically.  I started losing weight, my panic attacks and depression faded away, I had energy, even my hair looked better.  It had been dry and brittle and falling out in huge chunks but now it was shiny and soft and no longer clogged every sink in our house.  I counted back and realized I'd suffered for at least 9 years.  I'd had miscarriages and weight gain, depression and anxiety (for which they had thrown an antidepressant at me - I stopped taking that when it really didn't seem to be making any difference).  I had severe memory loss which I never did regain.  I lost years of my life, I lost babies, I made poor decisions out of pure exhaustion and "fuzzy" thinking.  The doctor was apologetic.  I was grateful for that.  It wasn't until recently that it dawned on me what he meant when he said he "wouldn't tell Jesse".  He really thinks my husband (and perhaps all Catholic men) force their wives not to use contraception.  What misled thinking.  I laugh a little that my doctor (or anyone) thinks that Jesse is forcing me to have babies.  My heart yearns for these little ones and they come to us through God's Will and not our own.  Had I said "yes" to his offer of hormonal birth control that day I would probably be dead right now.  Hormonal contraception is not the answer to every "women's issue".  It wasn't my babies, my children, my treasure's from God that were making me sick.  Throwing an antidepressant and hormonal contraception at me didn't and wouldn't solve the problem.  The fact that our country sees the pill (or other hormonal contraception) as a cure all and "women's health" is disturbing to me.  They are band - aids, at best.  Thanks be to God for that still, small voice in my heart, for my husband's never ending devotion to me, and for a Church teaching that not only saved my marriage but also saved my life.  To paraphrase Blessed Mother Teresa : Too many children?  That's like saying there are too many flowers.

On Crosses And Love

I woke up this morning and hit snooze on my phone.  I told "Siri" I wasn't going to get up and she couldn't make me.  She beeped again 5 minutes later.  I got up, showered, gathered up more than an armfull of laundry, snuck out of my room so as to not wake the baby and headed down the stairs.  The smell of freshly brewed coffee kept me going and I was greeted, as usual,  by my own personal fan club.  Today, Cecilia (3.5), said "look, mommy, look, look, LOOOOK" and she was pointing to a little green box.  I dropped the laundry where I was standing and read the note.  "Open it" she shouted. 

"AWE" She chanted again and again in her high pitched voice.  "It's so pretty!  Why do you get a present mommy?  Why? Why? WHY?!!!!"

"I..I don't know, Cecilia" I answered.  And the memory of the night flashed before my eyes.  As Jesse and I tried to find a show online to watch together I lamented to him and to my close friends that I'm sick of the cross I'm carrying.  I'm sick of finding everything offensive and not even being able to enjoy much more than a cooking show with my husband.  SICK OF MY CROSS?  But here's Jesus, on the cross, not because HE did anything wrong but because I did.  Me.  I am a sinner.  A sinner and a mediocre wife, at best.  Yet I woke up to a special gift, a reminder of Jesus' sacrifice for me and my husband's love for me.  Me, undeserving.  Me, a sinner.  What a wonderful way to begin Holy Week.

This life of mine is mundane.  It's a lot of the same things day after day after day.  Yet Jesse listens intently as I describe conquering my task of finding a homemade dishwasher detergent, getting the soap build up off of the cloth diapers, or finally, FINALLY discovering (again, yes, I'm  slow learner and this is a theme)  that being grateful makes a person happy and joyful and that focusing on the bad stuff makes a person, well, miserable.(Yes, duh, I know).  And God listens as I complain to Him about what I don't have, what I want, why I hurt.  I must remember to thank HIM and not demand from HIM.  He loves me and He gives me what I need.  What.I.Need.  Not necessarily what I want.  But that's OK.  He is a good Father. He knows what is best for me. 

So today I will focus on being GRATEFUL for my husband's love and thoughtfulness and the love of Christ too.  And I will be grateful for any minor crosses that I must carry. 

 

 "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me" (Luke 9:23)

When 40 Days Isn't Enough

Five Wednesdays ago was Ash Wednesday.  I had my Lent plans and the whole 40 days was ahead of us.  Now we're days from Holy Week and I'm rushing to "get it all in".  During my morning devotions I wondered why I felt confined to Lent for my resolutions?  Yes, Lent should be a time of fasting, prayer, alms giving, and contemplation but why only Lent?  If I don't hit the mark by Easter Sunday am I off the hook?  Can I breath a sigh of relief and  pack away my sacrifices for another year?

I stumbled upon Matthew 7:7 where Jesus tells us "Keep on asking and it will be given to you; keep on seeking and you will find; keep on knocking reverently and the door will be opened to you." Jesus doesn't say that only in the confines of Lent should we seek His word or discipline ourselves.  We live in a culture that finds discipline of any kind "closed minded" or too difficult to manage so we loosen our morals and bend our resolve to fit what's easiest and most comfortable.  We can always find someone that's "worse" than us and then say "well, at least I'm better than so and so".  But Jesus doesn't call us to be better than so and so.  He calls us to Him.  He calls us to love Him.  And one thing that I've figured out is that loving Him, truly loving Him, takes sacrifice, hard work and, yes, effort. 

So many times during this Lent I have declared "I fail Lent".  Finding joy and being grateful hasn't come particularly easy for me.  Hormonal and situational changes in addition to dealing with babies, toddlers, teens, and young adult children has left me feeling deflated, frustrated, and exhausted at times.  There are many days when I want to just throw up my hands and say "forget this".  I want to flip on the TV (which would be a blank screen because we don't have cable), order take out, and call it a day.  I've really tried to focus on doing "just one more thing".  I am trying not to think about what I need to do two hours from now or tomorrow.  I put in one more load of laundry, pray one more decade of the Rosary, change one more diaper, pray for one more friend.  It's helping. 

So with less than "one more week" of Lent left I resolve to not worry about what I haven't done, what I didn't accomplish, how I failed.  God doesn't want us to focus on our failings. We should recognize them, yes, in order to learn from them and not repeat them, but I tend to focus on them.  One friend said to me "I can't remember my past and you can't forget yours".  So true.  One more thing to work on.  Maybe it will be my "Easter Season" thing.  Don't forget that the Divine Mercy Novena begins on Good Friday.   Click on the link to find out more or to sign up for daily email reminders.

Choosing To See Good - Gratitude And Love Saves

I've always been a bit on the stubborn side.  Prideful, yes, but stubborn besides.  I've tried to check my pride at the door but not my stubbornness.  I have decided to use my stubborn nature for *good*.  No matter what people do or say I refuse to stop seeing the Jesus in them.  I refuse to focus on all the "bad" in my day.  I refuse to focus on my hurt ankle or my headache or the fact that my hair is falling out, one kid is struggling, one kid is mouthy, one kid refuses to be potty trained.  I choose to see beauty.  Negativity breeds contempt.  I cannot be sucked in.  I have always been the type of person (maybe to a fault) that believes that most people are good at heart.  We are all created in the image and likeness of God and, therefore, that alone makes us good.  That alone makes us GREAT!  I tend to elicit two different reactions in people - they either really like me or they don't like me at all.  The funny thing  is that the reasons people give for liking me are often the reasons people give for not liking me.  What's a girl to do?  Jesus says I'm to LOVE.  So I will.  I will dig and find the good in all people and see Jesus in them.    It doesn't matter if they like me or if they are kind to me.  It doesn't matter if they look at my family size and whisper about me behind my back or use it as an excuse to call me irresponsible.  Jesus didn't just die for me or for the people that like me.  He died for everyone.  He loves everyone the same.  And I am to follow suit.  The deeper I dive into scripture the easier it is to love everyone.  Each morning the children and I recite the following (a piece of St. Patrick's Breastplate)

"Christ be in the eyes of all who see me,

in the ears of all who hear me, on the lips

of all who speak of me, Christ be in the minds of

all who think of me.  Christ be in the hearts of all

who love me. Christ be before me and behind me,

Christ be above me and beneath me, Christ

on my right and on my left,

CHRIST BE MY ALL."

I mean those words when I say them.  I am weak, I fail, I react in haste.  But we have recited that prayer so many times now that it comes into my mind when I need it most.  I learn, everyday, what it means to be a follower of Christ.  Some days are easier than others. Everyone has their own cross to bear.  But GRATITUDE and remembering that Christ's love is for everyone makes it so much easier. 

“But when the Pharisees had heard that he had put the Sadducees to silence, they were gathered together.  Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him, and saying,  Master, which is the great Commandment in the law?  Jesus said unto him, You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment.  And the second is like unto it, You shall love your neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang ALL the law and the prophets.” (Mt 22:32-40)

The Gratitude Jar

I came upon this fabulous idea in my daily blog reading.  We've been working on gratitude and giving thanks for what we have alot around here.  It's something *I* have to work especially hard on since I'm a "glass half empty" kind of person.  I've mentioned before that I have the "1000 Gifts" APP on my phone and I am also keeping a separate gratitude journal but I wanted something concrete that the kids could use too.  So I found this old jar, cleaned it up, used some window crayon to decorate it and here it is.

 

 

Mary was the first to write down her gratitude and she wrote "Hannah".  I thought that was especially sweet.  Little ones take right to this and can think of 1000 things in 2 hours just for the love of it.  That's what I love about my kids and teens.  I learn so much from them.  I hope we fill this jar quickly and that my children learn the art of appreciation.  Especially the art of appreciating the everyday blessings that we tend to take for granted (like I really LOVE it when Jesse thanks me EVERY night for making dinner.  Even if it's grilled cheese.  He says "thank you" in front of the kids and they follow suit.)  Is that awesome or what?  It makes sense to thank whoever cooks your meal (or pays the bills or washes your laundry or feeds the dog) but how many of us remember to do it?  And, of course, in prayer we must remember in the midst of our asking God for things to THANK HIM for all he has BLESSED us with.

 

 

Gratitude Sunday

We got a new bench for the kitchen table - it fits more kids than the chairs did.  You can't really see the bench in the picture but it's a good thing, I promise (IKEA).  Jesse solved our closet issues by hanging large dowels from the basement ceiling.  What a great idea (he's so smart AND handy!!)

I'm definitely grateful for a baby girl that can finally eat some "Joe's O's". She was a big fan and it keeps her entertained for quite a while.

One of my very favorite things about having kids with ages ranging from 7 months to 20 years is that the big kids adore their youngest siblings.  Hannah had a "photo shoot" with the little girls one afternoon last week.  I love, love, love finding these treats on my camera and computer. 

 

 

 

Jesse and I went to see the movie October Baby last night.  Wow.  What an amazing movie with an even more amazing message.  We met a friend there and ALL of use were in tears by the end of the film.  I know it's not "mainstream" and not as popular as Hunger Games (which I've never read) but if you get a chance please see it.  And seeing it made me so very grateful for that still, small voice that has resided on my shoulder and in my heart for all these years.  Happy Feast of the Annunciation!  Happy Sunday!  Happy week before Holy Week!  God bless you all!

On Not Fitting In

I walked by the giant windows of Kohl's and caught my reflection.  Long, denim skirt, tshirt, floppy sweater, beat up sandals and a baby on my back.  I was carrying a dirty cloth bag and my hair was up but falling out.  "Gosh, I don't fit" I thought.  I'm not modern or normal.  For a minute I glanced at the "blouses" and silky skirts through the window(above the knee...it's just not my thing).  Heels?  Nylons?  No and no.  I moved on to Old Navy where I purchased the cheapest tshirts I could find.  They'll be stained and holey in no time, anyway.  But I don't mind.  They're new and I'm blessed to have them.   I walked through Target with Jesse and stopped at the Mrs. Meyer's cleaning products.  I started smelling them and said I'd like the lemon kitchen spray for a *treat* one day.  Again I think "I'm weird.  Who asks for kitchen spray for a treat?"  He looked at me funny and I explained that I already have water and Dr. Bronners (I treated myself to the orange oil Dr. B's this time!) and kitchen spray is certainly NOT an essential.  Last night at Trader Joe's (wow.  I have shopped alot in two days...totally not normal for me) I saw a woman that looked like she had a fair amount of plastic surgery.  I noticed because she was dressed in a way that made it impossible NOT to notice.  I always feel especially small around women dressed to the nine's (or undressed to the nine's) and who appear perfect.  I'm a mess, most days.  I lamented to some friends about the woman in Trader Joe's and said that my self esteem is way too low.  "I'm thinking that woman has low self esteem too" one of them said.  Yes, of course, she's right.  She must.  Why else would someone spend so much time and money on themselves when, sorry to say, we all get old.  Beauty (outward) fades no matter how many times you pay someone to make you look better.  Inward beauty is what matters most, right?  So as I walked by those windows and my baby chirped "ma ma ma ma ma" on my back I thought about how blessed I am.  It doesn't matter that I don't fit, that I'm not modern, or considered successful in the eyes of the world.  To the baby on my back I'm everything.  More importantly I'm a servant of God.  I need to worry more about how my insides look than my outside.  Another friend often reminds me that as followers of Jesus Christ we aren't supposed to fit in this world.  A message I too easily forget when I focus more on how I look than I should.
 As for the Mrs.Meyers - I hope the Easter Bunny puts some in my basket.
.  

My Week In iPhone Pictures

Since I'm avoiding my Saturday chores anyway (and it's cold and rainy outside).....I strolled through my iPhone pics just for kicks.  Wow, I have alot to be grateful for.  In looking back on my week I see the ways that God has blessed me abundantly.  Smiles, sunshine, friends, flowers, family, friends, love.  I know it's not Sunday yet but I wanted to post this so I wouldn't forget.

Amazing Grace

"Amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me...."  I've always loved that song but as they sang the words today they held much more meaning then they ever had before.  As we followed the map to the church for mass this morning before the religious freedom rally I passed familiar places.  They were places from my "past life" as I like to refer to it.  Places where I had wandered around in the darkness searching for Truth.  Has it really been 16 years since I traveled these roads looking to fill my heart and soul with all the wrong things?  In my mind's eye I saw myself walking to parties, friend's places, jobs, classes, bars looking.....always looking.  But they left me empty, always.  I was always searching for More.

Most startling to me on this trek was the location of the church we attended this morning.  It literally backed up to a friend's apartment where I had spent countless hours and days.  I had walked the streets, driven by, and I never, NEVER noticed this place. This beautiful place that could have held all of my answers if I wouldn't have been so blind, so lost.

 

As I reflected on the beauty of this church, the pure magnificent wonder of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, my family sitting next to me, baby on my back, toddler on my lap, and my 7 year old grabbing my hand I felt a mixture of gratitude and shame.  What had I done to the One Who had done so much for me?  I had walked by this place, His house, and never even noticed.  I hadn't thought of Him as I participated in activities that I knew were wrong. Activities that I thought would fill me up, show me that there was meaning in my life, that I was important, special, good. 

 

But I didn't need those activities (which weren't good, anyway) to show me my worth.  I needed to only walk through these giant, wooden doors and fall on my knees in THANKSGIVING.  I didn't know that my Father was the King of Kings and that *I* was His princess.  I wonder how many times I "walk by" other opportunities to be His princess?  To let Him fill me up?  So today as I was blessed to receive His body and blood I asked Him for more.  "Jesus, give me more of You" I prayed.  I pray that others, when they look at me, will see Jesus and not me.  I pray that I never walk around blind and in the dark again.  And I am so grateful that He pulled me out of such a worldly life and drew me, again, to Himself.

"I once was lost but now am found.  Was blind but now I see."

And Religious Freedom For All

"Give me liberty or give me death" were the words spoken by Patrick Henry exactly 237 years ago on this day.  And they were spoken again on Liberty Street in Ann Arbor Michigan at noon today. 

 

We gathered with close to 1000 other people of all religions to defend religious freedom in our country.  The Obama administration is trying to force all organizations to provide contraception and abortion regardless of what their religion teaches.  The Catholic Church has been and always will be opposed to contraception and abortion coverage and we will NOT back down.  Today we heard inspiring speeches from priests, nuns, lay people, and others urging us forward in our fight to protect our rights under the Constitution of the United States of America.

Please do not be fooled. The Catholic Church is not trying to "take away" contraception.  They just don't want to be forced to violate their conscious and pay for it (which they won't do and our country will be worse off without all the good works that the Catholic Church does).  This has nothing to do with Women's rights and everything to do with Religious Freedom.  It's what our country was founded on. 

 

 

I couldn't have been more proud of my family today.  My parents, husband, and children gathered with me at Mass and then proceeded to our rally location on the streets of an ultra liberal city.  The weather was fabulous and the company inspiring.  (I don't know the woman with the sign below but it was my favorite slogan of the day!)

 

 

Somehow we ended up in the very front row directly behind the speakers.  Funny how the kids don't really care that hundreds of people can see them and they just carry on with their normal selves (Clare and Cecilia removed their shoes and had a little scuffle)

My dad once fought in the Vietnam War to protect freedom.  Now he leads his family in a fight for our religious freedom.  My heart grew several sizes today as we gathered together to protect our Church and the religious freedom of all faiths.

 

 

If you haven't yet, please check out the STOP HHS website.  Sign the petition and PLEASE spread the word.  You don't have to be Catholic for this to affect your lives.  And if this passes what's next?  Please, pray on this and help.  Together we can make a difference!!