The Team {And Why Having Siblings Serve Siblings Really Isn't Abuse}

As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.

Peter 4:10



I read it online and see it in the news or on the news or wherever I accidentally happen to be at any given time when I should really be doing something else.  Usually it goes something like this "it's abuse to have older siblings care for younger ones".  Jesse and I were at a pro life fundraiser once and upon hearing that we were expecting baby number 9 the conversation (of course) moved to the Duggars and how those "poor kids are expected to raise their siblings".  That was an interesting perspective for me as I had never seen it that way.  I had seen their family work together as a team to keep their (admittedly) busy household running.  I saw responsible and thoughtful kids with hearts for Jesus and serving caring for their surroundings and the people in their home as well as being good stewards in their community and doing missionary work over seas.  "But they don't get to be regular teenagers" came the argument back at me.  I wondered what it was about a "regular" teenager that they found so necessary since so many other conversations consist of how teenagers in our culture are lazy and spoiled and have no responsibility (not my line of thinking, by the way, I think people act as they are expected to act, teens included and that teens are not some different species but gems in their families and communities). 

In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.

Acts 20:35

So as this issue weighed on my mind the baby fell sick which meant more time on the road for me (at the doctor, running to the store) or sitting on the couch doing extra nursing and cuddling.  All around me chores and school and devotions were done anyway.  Is this a burden to my older children?  Or are we a team?

As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.   

1 Peter 4:10-11



When Hannah dislocated her knee and I ran out the door like a maniac with just the baby I came home to laundry done, her mattress moved to the floor, children fed and in bed.  Are we somehow raising kids that will "never want their own kids" because they "raised their siblings" or are we raising kids who will make amazing spouses, employees, religious, and members of their communities because they know how and when to step up and bless someone else with their abilities, times, talents and treasures?  I wonder if we need more self centered people in this world? 

Last year when I was finishing my degree I took time most everyday for studying.  The kids (all of them - even the smaller ones) gladly helped watch even smaller kids, put laundry away, and cooked simple meals.  When I got that degree it represented not MY work but OUR work together, as a family.  Everyone glowed as the goal was finally reached because we had worked together to make that happen.  Abusive?  I think not.

I suppose we could all dig up a story or three about this family or that family and how it wasn't fair or healthy or good or safe because they *had* to raise their siblings.  But can't that be said of families with two kids as well as those with four or six or eight?  Why do I have to feel ashamed when people say they saw my kids at mass and the little girls were all sitting on Katie or Hannah?  Or my favorite ever was the person that once said to Brandon "I feel sorry for you because your parents stole your childhood."  That was when I was having Sam (baby 6).  I wonder what they would say now.  Yet when Jesse and I took Mary, Sam, and Augustine to visit Brandon and Rose a few weeks back I think he was somewhat happy to see us but grabbed Augustine immediately. 

When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, “Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet.

John 13: 12 - 14

I prayed about this as it strikes such a defensive nerve with me each time it's discussed.  Of course I feel huge amounts of guilt that I (one person) cannot do every single thing in this home and I need help.  But the fact is that I can't do it all.  I shouldn't have to.  God has created a Domestic Church and this is not only where our children will learn to love God but also where they learn to serve and love their "neighbor" even when it's not "fair". 

As Hannah has bravely and heroically gone through having only one useable leg for a couple of months now (almost) I've watched little ones take her water and ice bags and plates of food.  I've seen them help her pack up for co op and do her normal chores.  I won't say it's *always* with a smile on their faces but I see their servant's hearts.  That can't be abuse.

When I came home from the doctor with Augustine today Josie (3) asked me to get her some holy water so she could bless him and pray for him.  I don't see anger, animosity, or jealousy in her.  I see love.  I also came home to a handmade card from Hannah, hot tea, and a candy bar.  Oh if everyday could be one where we try to out do each other in kindness and oh if that could overflow into other people that we meet throughout the day.  That's not everyday here but we strive for that.  If that's abuse then I guess I'm abusive.  I'm not one to listen to the world anyway but to the One Who gave Jesse and I this enormous task to teach our children to love Him and serve others.  I'm grateful for the opportunity and I thank my amazing children for inspiring me to have more of a servant's heart.

For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?

Matthew 25: 35-40

 

 

Lenten Reflections {Don't Give Up Yet}

Here we are again in the season of Lent.  Fasting and sacrifices abound.  I failed almost on day one but I white knuckled it to day two....I'll admit that the failure is bringing me down.  What has happened to me, I wonder.  Never was I particularly good at Lent or really anything but now I don't even have the zeal for it that I once did.  I used to at least be able to make it through the first week out of sheer desire.  Today after Mass I retreated to my room for a bit of quiet.  There's usually a few minutes between me bolting up the stairs and when they realize I'm not accessible that I can talk to God and most importantly LISTEN for answers.  Lately I've felt so out of touch with everyone.  The children, this family, my marriage, and my home takes every waking moment of my time.  It snuck up on me, this feeling of being buried under it all, and the guilt of that buried feeling weighs me down. 

 

"Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me" Psalm 119:133

 

It sounds so easy to say that to God - "Direct my footsteps".  I will gladly go where He sends me but my messages are muffled and hard to understand, it seems.  I once thought I would go out into the world and do great things.  This past year and a half has taught me that IF that is His will then it will ONLY be after I stay in this house and did little things with great love.  What a drag.  No offense to St. Therese but these little things are becoming mundane and so routine I could do them in my sleep (and sometimes it seems like I do).  So maybe He is directing my footsteps but I am not following because I see others out in the world doing amazing things and that's really what I want.  What a terrible, awful, sobering realization.  I'm trying to hurry up and do these things here, raise these kids here, so I can do other things for other people who weren't placed in my care for the sole purpose of directing them toward God and helping them get to Heaven.  After 23 years of this I started to take it for granted.  Plus it's not all as shiny as it used to be.  And recently it's been marred by pain, disappointment, and sorrow.

 

"Our pilgrimage on earth cannot be exempt from trial.  We progress by means of trial.  No one knows himself except through trial, or receives a crown except after victory, or strives except against an enemy or temptations" St. Augustine

 

Maybe I haven't failed Lent just yet.  Our pastor today said it's not how we start Lent but how we end it.  We are far from that finish line.  Perhaps I can still make it work.  While I never gave up the practice of counting my blessings each day I also never gave up the practice of counting my sufferings.

 

I'm working my way through the book "The Way of Serenity" by Fr. Jonathon Morris.  It's an excellent read and I highly recommend it.  I've often struggled with that Serenity Prayer.  Mostly the part about accepting the things I can't change.  In the book Fr. Morris says "If God is able to bring forth this immense good from the evil of Good Friday, he can surely turn all the lesser evils of our lives into surprise packages of unexpected grace."  With my temperament and lack of sleep it's often extremely difficult for me to see the good that comes from bad (or maybe it's just accepting the bad that's so tough for me...either way...).  So even though I have focused more on the blessings in my life than I did in the past I haven't let go of all of the things that make life harder.  Perhaps that's a good practice for me this Lent.  As the days grow longer, the sun shines (even amidst the frigid temperatures and snowflakes blowing in the air) it seems to be a good time to ask Jesus for more of Him and less of the negativity of the world that I often bring upon myself. 

 

"Put aside your hatred and animosity. Take pains to refrain from sharp words. If they escape your lips, do not be ashamed to let your lips produce the remedy, since they have caused the wounds. Pardon one another so that later on you will not remember the injury. The recollection of an injury is itself wrong. It adds to our anger, nurtures our sin and hates what is good. It is a rusty arrow and poison for the soul. It puts all virtue to flight."
— St. Francis of Paola

 

The days are passing at light speed it seems.  Birthdays coming and going.  Firsts from babies and big kids alike.  The bad stuff, the hurt, the failures and losses - those are there.  They are real.  They will always be there.  Ignoring them altogether is unhealthy but letting them steal our JOY is letting the enemy win.  I might fail Lent more days than not during this season but I won't stop trying.  And yes, God, I will go where you lead me which seems to be here in my own home with my own 12.  It's not a "I'll do really cool things when I'm done with these people" calling.  It's a "these people ARE my really cool *things* ". 

 

 

"Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire." St. Catherine of Sienna

 

 

 

 

Augustine is 5 Months Old!!

Every month that passes I say it - how is this happening so quickly?  Brandon will be 23 years old in a few days and baby Augustine is already 5 months.  The days, weeks, months, and years are flying by.  Every day is a gift from God. 

Augustine's smile and laughter brightens up every day even in the dark of winter.  The kids adore him and the feeling is mutual.  He's already in 12 month clothes and will likely roll over any day. 

Thank you, God, for the gift of Augustine.

Perfect Imperfection

We stood in the kitchen having one of my favorite kinds of talks - the ones that just happen at random times because we're both there.  She asked if I had created an online persona or if I was authentic both online and in person.  I thought for a minute about my life - the life I live and the one I want others to think I live.  I think I'm pretty authentic and honest.  Maybe too honest at times for some people.  But when I peruse the internet and read my favorite blogs I can't help but feel inadequate most of the time.  I'm a "what you see is what you get" person.  When someone tells me something, shows me something, shares things with me I assume it's true.  I trust.  And because I trust people to give me their true selves I give mine, fully and completely.  I'd like to say that pays in the end but sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes the real truth, our truth, is more than people care to think about.  They want to hear how easy my life is, how I was born to have a large family so therefore everyday is filled with laughter and is easy.  Sometimes when people describe to me what they think my day is like I see Snow White sweeping with little birdies fluttering around here head...yeah, it's not like that.  More like I'm shooing someone away with the broom with a crying baby in one arm, kids frustrated over spelling lists or times tables.  I often lament to Jesse that I spend hours and hours on my feet yet if someone stopped by it looks like I've been watching my "stories" for half the day and sleeping for the other half. 

 

After our conversation I wondered about personas and the ones I've created.  I think I'm actually more real online than I prefer to be in person, especially when it comes to my house and my kids.  I do actually try to keep things orderly and clean so people won't think I'm lazy or I can't handle this.  I'm not actually lazy but some days I can't handle this. 

I used to do an online Catholic homeschooling umbrella school.  While I loved (love) the curriculum as our family grew I just couldn't keep up with the (to me) rigorous schedule.  Then there were the phone consultations.  First of all I don't talk on the phone.  Ever.  If I did talk on the phone with any frequency I'm positive our home would go up in flames.  Mom on the phone means anything goes....so I don't do it.  But for the phone consultations you have to talk on the phone.  And when you have as many kids as I do that consultation takes a REALLY LONG TIME.  Anyway, the lovely and awesome consultant would ask me what week and day each child was on in each subject and what book they were using etc.  For a while I used to pretend I knew.  I would run around like a crazy person digging through book baskets trying to act like I had actually prepared for this.  I hadn't.  And by my last year in the program I just said I didn't know but I would let them know should I ever touch base with that particular child anytime soon.  Phew.  It was humbling.  I was real, though.  There is a lot going on around here and (gasp) I expect my older kids to do their own thing and keep up and move along when given the proper tools to do so.  It was so freeing to just say I didn't know and leave it at that.  Soon after I left the program because it just wasn't a good fit.  But looking back I see how I tried to give a false persona (that I was an on top of things homeschooler which I'm not). 

Each night before bed I recite the Litany of Humility.  The last line reads "That others become holier than I provided that I may become as holy as I should.  Jesus grant me the grace to desire it".  As I ponder creating personas - online and off - I think of that line a lot.  Who others think I am is meaningless.  I need only be who God has created ME to be and follow His path for my life.   God always sees who I am, my desires, motives, actions, and thoughts.  I can pretend I'm a put together homeschooling mom or that I am always super sweet to my kids, or that I always have a clean house but the truth is that I am none of those things.  I am an imperfect person made in the image and likeness of God who loves Jesus with all my heart and tries to serve my family.  I fall short everyday.  The truth is that if people were honest they would all admit to bad days and good days and bad choices and good choices.  Another favorite quote of mine "There but for the grace of God go I".  None of us are immune to the being imperfect and it's so much easier to trudge through this life with companions to lift us up and encourage us along.  So if you stop by and see my mess pull up a pile of laundry, grab a cup of coffee (because I really always do have coffee) and we can share who we really are with eachother, ugliness and all. We are all called to continually strive to be better than who we are but  I believe that it's in our perfect imperfection that we will find the unconditional love that we all crave.