Someone Missed Her Afternoon Cup of Coffee

She fell asleep making ice cream with Katie. 

On Blogshpere Honesty

Yesterday at our homeschool co op as I sat buried under two preschoolers and a newborn I saw heads peek in the room I was trapped in at various times of the morning. They were the heads of three of my older kids "Can I get you anything, mom?" "are you doing OK?" "Do you need anything?". I resisted sending them down to Starbuck's and just took in the moment thinking that they really do care. I didn't need anything but their love was enough. Even with their help, I struggle.

Josie will be 6 weeks old tomorrow. I'm getting very little sleep and very little done. I nurse, change diapers, and try just about anything to ward off the colic. I cook, do laundry, clean, and educate the kids. I look like I can "do it all" but I struggle. I cry. I feel alone. The kids *need* and I provide, sort of, I run to activities, arrange rides, usually remember to pay the bills on time....I feel guilty for not making meals for friends in need. Jesse says I need to lower my expectations. I know he says that to try and help. I look around and wonder how much lower they can go. But I open my inbox on Facebook and there's a supportive note - just what I need to read. Better than the nasty note left on the car yesterday because it was parked 1/4 inch on someone's grass. I lose faith in the kindness of others and feel like a flop but in googling printable pictures of the Blessed Virgin Mary for Cecilia and Mary to color I find blogs upon blogs of moms with newborns, kids,hectic lives, real struggles - they are honest.
They feel down, sick, tired, lonely but they share their stories and I feel less lonely, less down, and less alone. Mostly I feel less guilty for not basking in joy at all times. I feel less guilty for letting the mundane life of diaper changing, breastfeeding, colic, schooling, cooking, laundry, and everything else get me down. In the summer I signed up for a class at church that started today. I missed the class. When I signed up for the class I thought it would recharge me. I hadn't bargained on baby "no sleep" or the demands that go with having four kids 4 and under and six kids over that age, homeschooling a high schooler again, co ops and outside classes.....why would I think I would have time for anything? 

That's OK. It's just not my season. Someday it will be but now it's not. Now is my season for doing all the jobs that no one else wants to do simply because someone has to do them. There's no recognition in this job, no paycheck, review, no one saying "good job". And I'll admit that I'm prideful enough to wish for those things some days. And I'm happy to discover that other moms do too.

On Rainy Mondays When Mom Is Sleep Deprived

The 20 month old listens to Veggie Tales on her sister's iPod

The preschoolers watch Leap Frog to learn their letters

The 3rd Grader reads his science to himself

I managed a five minute music instrument playtime with Clare

And a quick cup of coffee with my favorite candle burning nearby

Unfolded laundry (but really I ended up folding it because I couldn't just sit there and look at it....)

And homemade cookies from Katie and Cecilia to make the day less dreary

I forget how little sleep you get with a newborn around. How do I forget this? Worth it? YES! Draining? Yes!

Gratitude Sunday

For moments like this with Great Grandma (Cecilia gave a quick hug and I had my camera in my hand),
And for soccer game moments (Sam concentrating intensely on being the goalie),
for God's mercy and for the mercy of my family when I just can't seem to "get it right" they forgive me.
For having 9 babies that didn't have colic and a 10th one that does. It has taught me humility, patience, and compassion
and boy do I get a lot of praying in while she screams her tiny head off every night. For the new Matt Maher CD. The music is beautiful and uplifting and brings my spirits up no matter how I'm feeling. For random conversations with Brandon, Hannah, Owen, and Katie.

For the sisters who are rarely apart. Best friends. Even if they do fight sometimes.

This picture is blurry but it still shows the joy on her face. Cecilia is (mostly) a joyful little girl and she had everyone laughing today on the way home from Mass. So for joyful girls and the brothers who love them.

For HOPE and HEALING and everything that comes along with it. And chilly fall mornings and leaves changing colors and the Nun at Mass that helped Hannah when she wasn't feeling well. For friends and smiles from strangers. For life and all of it's ups and downs. For all of it - I am GRATEFUL!!

Favorite Friday Activitiy

We've been doing Catechesis of the Good Shepherd classes on and off since Katie was around 4, I think. The program has grown so much thanks to some serious work by some wonderful moms at our parish. Today we started the year again and it's hard for me to believe that we have FOUR kids in classes right now plus the older kids helping out in the nursery. What a blessing this class is for the development of our children's faith formation. If you have one in your area I highly recommend it even if you have to drive a bit to get there. You can find more information on the general program HERE.

Do This Not That

Here we go - the post partum "oh my gosh my body has more rolls than a container of crescent rolls" freak out.  Trying to squeeze into things that don't yet fit and pull up things that are too big and wondering why on earth I can't just have ONE thing that fits decently.  It's not like I'm some kind of girly fashion queen.  Birks and a jersey skirt are just fine for me but when I looked in the mirror this morning I thought "the baby is already five weeks old.  Go away fat".  OK - now I realize that's completely irrational.  The baby is ONLY five weeks old not ALREADY five weeks old.  But the world tells me that if I don't hurry up and lose this weight my husband will leave for someone younger and more fit.  Of course *my* husband wouldn't do that because the child support alone would have him living in his car that barely runs.  Still, in the back of my mind I'm thinking of the (too) many articles I read when I was back in the mainstream world about what women *should* do to "keep their man".  I"m thinking top on the list is that they shouldn't have more than two kids. M A Y B E three kids if they want a "bonus".  Ok, so I failed that one a while back.  What else?  Keeping bins of clothes in the basement that read "early pregnancy", "pregnancy", "late pregnancy", "post partum", "fat clothes".....that's probably on the list of no no's too.  How about the breast milk stained night gowns that don't really fit.  Those probably aren't on there either.  Time for a new list.  So I read up on what a "proper" wife would do.  She may have a few fat rolls but that's OK because her life as a mother and homemaker may leave little time to exercise.  Proper wives have a clean and organized home, laundry done, neatly dressed children that are respectful and playful and also really good students.  So I decided that list was a little more doable for me (mostly because I have the fat rolls and how hard can the rest be?).  So for the last few years I've tried to keep a neat and organized home with laundry done, neat and respectful kids, and dinner on the table (almost) every night when Jesse gets home from work.  From scratch dinner, of course, and properly planned out with the menu for the week on the fridge.   Only that life is making me a crazy person.  I'm constantly running around, I rarely sit except to nurse the baby, the kids are reasonably respectful but not so much neat and they rarely wear shoes.  So I've failed at both lists.  I realized that today when I went upstairs to a pile of laundry outside my bedroom door.  I've failed to be the cute, fun wife (forget the real job and being successful....) and I've failed at the homemaker/proper wife.  I looked over at my picture of Our Lady of Guadalupe on the wall and I realized I'm reading the wrong books.  Yes, it's fabulous to gain inspiration from some carefully chosen websites, books, magazines, and friends but the messages I was getting from my "do this not that" publications was that if I didn't do what they said then my husband would leave me, my kids would feel neglected, and I would end up sad and alone.  I'm not even going to go into the things I read about diet, cooking, gentle parenting, and "living green".  Heaven knows I have fallen short in all departments.  Normal people figure these things out before they have 10 children and 16 years of marriage under their belts.  Not me.  It takes a series of breakdowns, screaming sessions, crying, and anxiety attacks to figure it out.  There's One Book that I need to look to.  Yes, it's my vocation to be a mother and a wife.  And I intend to be the best mother and wife that I can be.  But the defintion of a good mother and wife isn't perfectly folded laundry, children that look like the Von Trapps (before Maria arrived), Martha Stewert holidays, or whatever the "housewives" on TV look like.  What's the point of all of that if the family I'm doing it for is thinking " I wish she would have to go away for a really long time so we could just enjoy life".  I'm pretty sure that's what they are thinking about now.   So what's the answer?  Because I don't want to end up on one of those shows like "Clean House" where they can't even see their floors because they have so much stuff.  One lady bought new clothes instead of doing laundry but she kept the dirty clothes on her floor.  I really don't want to be that lady (and we can't afford it).  So I think I'm closing all the other books, blogs, and magazines and sinking more into prayer - communication with God - only He can tell me the direction that He thinks I should go in.  Hopefully His version of "Do This Not That" will work out better than the other things I've tried.  I have no doubt that He won't let me down.

Just A Regular Day

Thank God for regular days. They keep me sane (well, I'm not actually sane but anyway...).
Josie is 5 weeks old today. Time moves too fast for me.

Clare spent some time "helping" me make these chicken pot pies this morning. It's a new recipe from a friend and it has become a favorite in our family!!

Sam worked on his school work while I prepared the pot pies.

Here's some more of Jesse's sidewalk chalk artwork. It has been suggested that I do an entire blog with pictures of his artwork. Hmm...maybe someday. The Latin tutor came this afternoon and we have soccer tonight. Lots going on.  Hannah and Owen collected pond water for biology (gross!) and Hannah found out she got a part in our local theater's production of "Little Women".  Lots of fun ahead!! 

Around the House Today

Today was the first day of our homeschool co op. The kids were super excited to get back into their classes and see their friends again. Cecilia was very enthusiastic but ended up just hanging out with mom in the "mom's room" with Clare and Josie. That's OK. I'm not quite ready to let them *all* go yet :

Below is Josie and her little friend Peter (he's about 7 weeks older than she is). They enjoyed nursing and being in their slings during the co op.


The big kids all stay for the afternoon classes so my expectations for the rest of Tuesday are LOW. Daddy brought home pizza for lunch and I am *trying* to ignore the mess....

Instead I'm spending my time baby holding. This is my view for most of the 24 hours in a day. I can't think of a better view.

Clare spent much of the afternoon taking her shoes off and insisting that I put them back on. That's a fun time. Velcro anyone?

Jackson managed to get his spelling page done, at least. And he caught some bugs for his science class.

And I kept a large cup of iced coffee nearby, as usual. This life isn't easy, pretty, or always fun but it's the life that I know. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. Most days....

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:13

Gratitude Sunday - Josie is ONE month old!

Grateful for this new life - ONE month old today! Sunday Mass, breakfast with the family (crazy as it was), a walk to farmer's market, beef stew in the crock pot, bread rising on the stove, meal planning done for the week, healthy kids, fall breezes, yummy treats, generous friends, kind words that come in when I need them to,
God's mercy, forgiveness, new beginnings, hope, and
so.much.more!

Serenity

Amidst the chaos, between soccer games, at lunchtime, with four extra kids in the house, daddy's hands are Josie's retreat.  If only I could find such peace in the middle of all this. 

Morning Prayer 101 (Ekblad Style)

I am often asked what we do in our house for our family morning prayer time. The truth is that we've done pretty much the same thing for a long time. I will share here what we do but I would love some fresh ideas!!

First, everyday represents different family members (which we have posted on our fridge). Monday is for Brandon and Hannah, Tuesday for Owen, Katie, and Jackson, Wednesday for Sam and Mary, Thursday for Cecilia, Clare, and Josie, Friday is for Jesse and I, Saturday for all Priests, Religious, and Married Couples, and Sunday is for our extended family and friends. So we start off our morning prayer praying for those who's day it is and adding any extra intentions we may have. This part can take a while. The pre schoolers like to add LOTS of extra prayers (which is great!).

On my PrayerList App I can keep track of people/situations I've promised to pray for and there's also a section to put answered prayers so I can remember to say my prayers of thanksgiving.  I love that APP!

Next we say the Morning Offering, Memore, St. Michael, Breastplate of St. Patrick (shortened version), and the Guardian Angel Prayer.
After that I read the Gospel from the Magnificat (I have the APP on my ipod but we used to read from the actual book OR you can always find the readings ONLINE as well). Next we read the Saint of the Day from my APP (again - in the "old" days we read it from books but this can also be found ONLINE). Finally we read a quote from Mother Teresa (from my APP) or Blessed John Paul II or just a general quote - all found on my APPs. We end with the sign of the cross and then I hand out jobs for the morning ;) So this is our family's tradition. I would love to switch it up a bit. Last year we added St. Patrick's Breastplate and we occasionally do Novena's with our Morning Prayer (but usually do those in the evening so Jesse can join us). Feel free to share your ideas!!