When Lent Pulls You Out of Yourself

A friend recently invited our family over for dinner stating that her New Year's Resolution was to see more of her friends face to face.  I'm an introvert at heart.  Sitting behind a computer or iPhone is my dream world of communication.  I know it's not healthy or right but it is what it is.  I cringed a bit at the thought of socializing in the real world.  It just makes me uncomfortable.  Like I want to ball up and hum to myself to avoid any contact with actual people outside of my home.  I don't think I was always like this but the last few years I have been.  I agreed to the positively lovely invite and a few weeks later we headed over for dinner.  It was not awkward.  It was not horrible.  It was very, very good.  Face to face contact brought laughter, which I love.  Real, genuine laughter and not just emojis or LOL typed into a screen.  This was the Sunday before Lent began.  Little did I know it was God's way of nudging me into a new season that I pray will stick.  In my Lenten and spiritual readings the theme that is coming up again and again is to see people.  Have them over, go to them, talk to them.  I lament in my mind that I have so much to do on a daily basis.  Breakfast dishes are just done before I start prepping for dinner and making lunch.  Homeschooling occupies much of my time, toddlers and teens fill in the rest of the day along with driving kids to various places.  Did I mention the laundry?  5-7 loads per day on average.  And now God wants me to bring social time into my life?  I'm many things but I tend not to be disobedient to God so in the past week and a half I have seen more people in real life then I have in a long time.  And it has been really refreshing. Visits with new friends while little ones are at their Atrium class (usually I would have filled that time with errands but this is way better!).  My to do list is mostly still getting done, my phone has sat idol and quiet more often.  This Lent, so far, has pulled me out of myself.  I want things in my home to be just so but I'm learning that the house need not be perfect for friends to come by.  My prayer time isn't getting pushed aside, meals are still being served.  I feel a little guilty that God is BLESSING me during a season that is penitential in nature. 

I still need my quiet time alone in my room or wherever to pray, journal, and read.  I am still able to take my walks with Jesse each night, play games with the boys, work with the girls on their projects.  There's just something so lovely about looking into the eyes of a friend, someone in the trenches with you, and knowing that they get it.  Of course I still maintain my check in texts with those I can't see.  They always seem to send me a bible verse or funny meme just at the right time when I'm about to pull my hair out because the baby has been tantrumming for the last three hours (not kidding....).  It's all a blessing - companionship, friendship, really knowing another person. 

God always has me on these amazing adventures and this Lent is no different.  After the severe struggles of Advent I feared what Lent might bring but I let go of the reigns and have just enjoyed the ride so far.  God never seizes to amaze me.  Grateful.

On Marriage and Not Boarding the Train of the Past

I only share these experiences because I felt urged to by the Holy Spirit urged me to do so.  It is not intended to pass judgment on anyone or anyone's marriage.  All around us we see marriages falling apart.  Ours nearly did which would have left 12 children in the crossfire.  I pray and fast fervently for all marriages and for those who, for whatever reason, had to end.  I believe keeping quiet about our struggles only intensifies them.  I have heard that Edmund Burke is quoted as saying "The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing".  I'm not sure I qualify as a "good" man (woman) but I do know that often in our churches and communities we can be embarrassed of our perceived inequities.  We look around and think we are the only ones struggling.  Jesse and I feel God has called us to share what has worked and not worked for us in our marriage.  These things may or may not be good fits for you but all are based on our Faith and Biblical principles that we have slowly learned and even more slowly accepted in the last 20 years. 

Recently I was speaking with a trusted Priest friend about some issues Jesse and I were having.  I was explaining how when certain things happen NOW they send my mind back to the past and things get ugly really fast.  It goes something like this:

Me: You didn't let me know you would be late.

Jesse : I'm sorry, will you please forgive me?

Me : Remember when you ALWAYS did this 15 years ago?  Remember?  It's the same now as it ALWAYS has been.  (In reality it rarely happens now, he was probably distracted with an issue at work, and how about some grace here from me....)

You can imagine how it goes after that.  I claim forgiveness and mercy for past events but in my head I still travel back in time when I perceive an offense.  I asked Fr. how to avoid that - because we are human and it's HARD not to base our current circumstances on experiences we have had in the past.  Especially in marriage.  Of course the words "always" and "never" are not helpful in these situations.  Fr. gave me a great visual.   He said "I think when that train pulls up just don't get on.  Say 'I'm not going that way.  Please keep going without me'".  How simple yet not.  I'm a very visual person so having that in my head for the last couple of months has been very helpful. 

As Lent fast approaches I have been praying about all that I will try to work through this year.  One thing I have been praying for is the ability to let go of past hurts, live in today, and to move forward.  The fact is that Jesse isn't the same person that he was 10 or 15 years ago.  And, praise God, neither am I.  In this Year of Mercy I want to intentionally forgive, extend a fraction of the mercy that has been given to me by God to others, and head over the top of a mountain to experience the abundant life that Jesus wants for me. (John 10:10)  This mercy and forgiveness and freedom to move forward isn't dependent on how Jesse (or anyone) behaves but it does depend on what I choose everyday.  Will I get on the train to head down the road of martyrdom and whoa is me?  Or will I say "no thanks - I'm not going that way." ?

As often happens the Marriage Prayer that Jesse and I pray together in the mornings fit right in with my prayer at Mass yesterday.  If you don't subscribe to these prayers and you are married I can't recommend them enough.  You can read the prayer from today and subscribe to daily emails HERE.

The last couple of years I've dabbled in and out of the secular and Christian therapy world.  While some of it has been incredibly helpful there are also, in my opinion, a few big issues.  One of which being the theme of  "make yourself happy first".  As a Christian that doesn't go along with what I read in the Bible or the lives of the Saints.  In my reading and in the lives of the Saints I see an absolute emptying of self for the good of others.  I try to live by this simple acronym : JOY - Jesus first, Others second, Yourself third.  Anytime in my life that I veer from that things don't go well.  Of course extremes aren't good and we aren't all called to give away everything we own and live in Calcutta like Mother Teresa.  We need to make sure we eat, exercise, have time to shower, etc.  But I see what often happens in the "you first" therapy world is that marriages break up, people forget the commitments they made to God, their kids, spouses and society at large. 

I think, for Jesse and I, the seemingly smallest acts of thoughtfulness and kindness go a long way.  The more I try to remember to do these things the further away the past hurts go.  I wish I could say that I don't still bring them up but I can't.  I do.  And then I see the hurt it causes and I feel like a jerk.  Who wants Jesus while we are, say, at adoration to call to mind all the things we've done to help crucify Him over and over again?  Do we want to hear those things or do we want to be assured of His love and mercy? 

I know for some people past hurts are also current hurts.  Jesse and I lived that way for many years.  It wasn't until we both, separately, and with God's help, started extending a tiny bit of grace to each other that God multiplied our mustard seed efforts and truly blessed our marriage.  For more than a decade I prayed fervently after receiving communion "Jesus change him (Jesse) or change me".  The journey has been long but in the end He changed us both.  Satan hates marriage and he really HATES women.  Jesse and I pray for marriages everyday because we know what it is to live in one that feels dead and not redeemable. 

 

Replace the name of satan with mine in the photo above and that is how I behave when I board the train of the past and unforgiveness.  But we are called to be Christ to one another not satan.  I will continue to pray fervently that I can extend grace and forgiveness as lavishly as I receive it.  Marriage is tricky.  It has to be nourished and worked at EVERY day.  The graces are there.  We have seen them work when we put in the work necessary to bring it all together.  Fight satan and not your spouse.  Get help if necessary.  We have found other couples to be amazing resources!  We still have that conversation about "you always" now and again.  Sometimes I get on the train but now I remember to jump off while it's still moving instead of arriving at the next station.  Someday maybe I just won't get on.  Jesus help me with that.  Amen