Reflections

When the nurses hand you a new baby and you're barely 18 years old, still in high school, and unmarried you can see the concern and sorrow in their eyes.  You hear all of the things that this baby will stop you from doing - finishing high school, going to college, finding a good husband, having a good life.  The words poverty and juvenile detention center are thrown around quite a bit.  At least it was when I was a teen mom.  Maybe it's different now.  So when they handed Brandon to me I looked down at him and thought maybe I had done him a disservice.  At that moment I decided that "conventional" wisdom wasn't for me and together he and I would buck the system.  I did graduate high school and began college about a month after that.  Brandon was placed securely in a sling and I would often stand in the hallway of the university to hear the lectures so as to not disturb anyway.  A couple of years later I married and was thrilled when we were able to give Brandon a sister.  Then a brother.  I had always worried that he wouldn't have siblings.  I guess that wasn't going to be an issue.  When you have a baby while you're still basically a baby you grow up with the child in many ways.  It's not ideal and I don't recommend it but I also don't regret it in the least.   I was told I was giving up the "normal" college experience of living in the dorms.  No big loss there as far as I could tell.

And so it goes, the years pass and we do the best to give our children what they need.  For years I had left God but He never left me and so one day I woke up and returned to Him.  With that came more blessings than I can count.  The influences that Brandon was exposed to in the Church were invaluable.  I don't regret the hours homeschooling or our theological discussions.  He handled being the oldest of a dozen children well.  Four years ago we dropped him off at college and two days ago he got married.  I told Jesse I felt like my toddler was walking down the aisle.  It's strange how you watch them grow but in your mind they are always that baby handed to you after they are born.  This morning he and his wife, Rose, left to begin their new life many states away.  I swore I wouldn't cry because I whole heartedly believe that this is God's will for him.  I know in my heart that none of these children are mine. They are on loan from the One Who made them and it's their job to go out into the world and do His will.  But I did cry.  I am very proud of who Brandon is.  None of those predictions that were made came true.  God protected us every step of the way. And I did finish my degree 22 years after I started it.   May St. Michael guide and protect Brandon and Rose in their new life together.  Amen.

 

 

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." Ephesians 5:31

 

Happy First Birthday Frances!!!

Happy 1st Birthday to the little one that came into the world with a bang but has been peaceful ever since.  Never in my parenting career have I met a more content or happier baby.  This has been the hardest year of my life yet she brought serenity and joy to even the darkest moments.  To call her a gift from God would be an understatement.  Happy Birthday Fran Fran.  We love you!

 

 

{Baseball} Seasons In Life

(Warning - some may find this post whiney and annoying.  This is my experience and I'm baring my soul for love of honesty....take it for what it's worth.)

 

 

I built it up in my mind for weeks.  Jesse's work offered free tickets to the Detroit Tiger's Game and I was super excited.  I love watching the Tigers play.  We don't have cable so I can't watch them on TV anymore.  Tickets cost a billion dollars so we don't go to games normally.  But free?  Free we could do.  The game was today and I thought everything was planned out.  I stuffed everything that I could into the two baby back packs that we were bringing to carry Josie and Frances.  The rest I distributed among purse carrying teens and the camera bag.  I pictured the perfect shot of the kids that I might get, sitting in the stands soaking it all in, the "crack" that the bat makes as it hits the ball.  Unfortunately the cooler weather we had been having didn't include today and it was pretty warm.  I carried Frances (who has apparently quadrupled her weight since birth) on my back up several flights of stairs.  By the top I was completely out of breath and seriously dripping with sweat.  I must have looked like a sight.  Younger people (mostly women) pushed their way past me and one cursed at me for being in her way...yes, for real.  I wondered to myself if this was actually a good idea.  But I was determined to get to those seats, sit, and watch the game that had now already begun.  Herding 10 kids is no easy task in a crowd of that size but the kids paired up and did a great job keeping track of eachother.  When we got to (what I thought was) the top I realized there were MORE STAIRS before our seats.  And when I saw the seats and the fact that our tickets were in the middle of a row I considered the possibilities.  Me, hitting someone in the back of the head with my stomach and in the front with the baby attached to my back or me tipping over as I tried to shimmy my way through to the seats and tumbling on top of people.  Neither seemed appealing.  I headed back down the stairs, still sweating, baby attached, baby inside, and landed at a picnic table by the concessions.  I cried, of course, because that's what hugely pregnant, sweating, and nearly hyperventilating women do in these situations.  I had no water.  Bottled water was nearly $5.  I thought about that for a minute and wondered if I "passed out" if they would give me free water.....I watched countless people walking by.  Young (or old) and carefree in their cute Tiger's shirts bopping up and down the stairs.  I admit I thought "my life has been spent sitting in the lobby or back of every event we've gone to because I'm always pregnant or have an infant or toddler or all of the above....".  All the kids were safely in  their seats with Jesse and there I was feeling accomplished for finding a table that was sort of in the shade for a minute feeling sorry myself.  I looked down and saw the carousel and thought the little ones might like that.  By then my parents had arrived and my mom and I took them down.  We baked in the sun for a while waiting in what didn't seem like a line from above but really was a line.  One kid cried, one licked the iron fence that surrounded the carousel.  We rode the carousel, headed back upstairs (there was an escalator....who knew?), kids returned to the game and I stayed in the back with a bored toddler. Grandma bought us cotton candy and we considered bullying an elderly man with an oxygen tank for his spot in the shade.  I wasn't sure I could take him so we decided against it.  By the end of the 6th inning I couldn't take it anymore.  I had seen none of the game and hadn't even laid eyes on the field yet!  My mom and I walked in and stood against the wall.  Shortly after a couple of women sitting in the VIP section gave.me.their.seats (I heard angels singing when that happened).  Josie slept on Hannah and I got to see an entire inning and a half before it was time to go.  On the way home we listened to our favorite radio program "Adventures in Odyssey" and as we pulled into the garage the narrator said the words that maybe I should have heard several hours (or decades?) earlier :

 

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven"

Ecclesiastes 3:1

 

Perhaps I already had my time at the Tiger games.  Fond memories of cool nights spent there with my family as I grew up.  Perhaps that time will come again but maybe it won't.  This season in my life admittedly seems to be lasting forever (22 years and counting praise Jesus!) however I know that while the days seem long the years are short.  In the end today I was where I needed to be. 

 

 

On {Not} Being Enough

I wake up every morning and squeeze my eyes shut to make the moment in darkness last a little longer.  Frances is usually playing "kick" with Augustine who seems willing but is probably really thinking "what is that?"  I remind myself that I'm grateful for another day and slowly open my eyes.  I see the piles of laundry from the day (or week) before, the toys that were brought in by various children, books unread, swollen feet and hands.  I repeat to myself the words that I'm supposed to believe "I am enough".  But I don't really believe it.  How am I enough for all of these children?  I can hardly make it to the bathroom without resting.  How can I possibly make it through another day of chores, cooking, activities?  Sometimes I think "maybe I am enough" but then I leave the house.  I see the put together women with their make up, nails, and matching shoes.  I have recently been digging makeup out of a mostly empty bottle and convincing myself that it's working for me.  I read and reread the bible verses where God tells us that we are good simply because we are made in His image.  I wonder if that could possibly be true about me?  When you are a mother of a large-ish family I think it gives the false notion that you know things.  I don't really know things.  I wouldn't say I "white knuckle" it but I definitely fly by the seat of my pants most days (is that the same thing?).  I have yet to figure out how to get a surly teen to do their chores willingly or a toddler to come over right away for her diaper change.  I don't know how to get my 9 year old to eat SOMETHING that comes from nature.  Dirty faces, unbrushed hair, mismatched shoes, and messy rooms are all things I haven't mastered yet.  Where once I had my school year perfectly planned out I now sometimes have the next day planned but usually it's "oh, I forgot that book...." and am thankful for Amazon Prime.  I'm no Michelle Duggar, that's for sure.  I'm highly unqualified for this task and most days end as they begin - eyes shut tight pretending that the mess, chaos, and undone tasks aren't really there.  Usually the exhaustion at the end of the day lends itself to the phrase "I am not enough" going through my head until I fall asleep.  This morning as the dishwasher and the washing machine were running and I was checking in on my farm animals on Hay Day I stopped for a second and thought "my ancestors had NO machines and probably no time for games....why am I drowning again?".  I comforted myself by thinking they also didn't have to deal with driver's training because they didn't have cars.  That helped ease my conscience a little.  

In the end I have to choose to believe that whether I am or am not enough my life is what it is.  This family is mine and I am called to reach deep down into the farthest parts of myself to care for them as best that I can.  That's what being a Christian is.  Dying to self again and again and again.  I screw that up a lot.  For me it's a learning process that I never seem to really *get*.  I often feel persecuted for my life choices.  I know that in the end I answer to God but in this life it hurts sometimes.  I feel like I can't complain every of being tired or frustrated or any of that.  People who find out that we have 12 children want (need?) me to say how amazingly awesome it is all the time and the older kids always help out without being asked and I feel amazing and my marriage is perfect and on and on and on.  No one's life is like that.  Not even the women with the matching shoes and the perfect bodies.  My kids are amazing, in my opinion, but they are kids.  They require work and feeding and molding and moral direction.  They don't always take any of it.  Often it's thrown back in the face of a parent who tried with their whole heart to do the right thing.  That's when Satan steps in and says "ha ha, see, you are NOT enough".  

With the busy-ness of this summer I've neglected my "7 Sacred Pauses" and pretty much made them "3 chaotic stops in the day where I'm multitasking as I give Jesus a drive by wave".  I need to get back to His Word because when the world seeps in there's no escaping the noise and negativity.

This week the kids attended Vacation Bible School at a local parish.  Last night we watched their program and they sang their hearts out for Jesus.  It jostled me a bit and reminded me to stop comparing myself to others and to only compare myself to who God has called me to be.  In the midst of mothering a large crowd from the unborn through adult I've forgotten about the joy and the fun of it all.  The world has become a scary place for me for a variety of reasons.  Leave it to the sweet voices of 80 singing children to remind me that God never intended that and that we must look hard to see His beauty in all things.  That's part of laying down our lives, our plans, our expectations.

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends"

John 15:13

Standing Up for Truth in the Face of Lies

Taking a break from my normal mom of a large family rambling posts to address an issue that just won't die. Somehow Senator Debbie Stabenow got Jesse's work email address.  I bet when this bulk email went out to him she wasn't expecting his reply.  Senator Stabenow gives the basic arguments without the facts including assuming that men don't know anything about women's reproductive "health".  Well...look for yourself.  Jesse's response follows.  She may never read it and if she does she may laugh it off but his family read it and we are grateful for his willingness to stand up for truth, for our Faith, and for families.

Dear Jesse,

I wanted to take a minute to tell you about what we're working on in the Senate to respond to the Supreme Court's terrible decision to allow employers to make health decisions for women.

The Court's recent decision allows companies to pick and choose what women's health care services they will cover. At a time when so many women and families are struggling to make ends meet, it is unbelievable that five men on the Supreme Court would decide to shift additional costs onto women.

Later today the Senate is scheduled to vote on a bill I cosponsored that would prohibit employers from refusing to provide women health services that are required by law. Employers shouldn't be able to dictate the very personal decision of what's best for a woman and her family.

Can you imagine having to ask your boss to weigh in on such a personal decision about your reproductive health?

We fought hard to make sure that being a woman couldn't be counted as a "pre-existing condition" and to stop insurance companies from charging women more for health care just because they are women. I led the fight to make sure insurance companies covered comprehensive preventive care for women – including birth control, cancer screenings, and maternity care. Women in this country, many of whom are breadwinners for their families, should not be asked to pay more for their health care.   

You can count on me to support the legislation in the Senate and to continue fighting for Michigan families. Please make your voice heard! Only by working together can we effectively strengthen and improve the lives of women and families in our country.

Sincerely,

Debbie Stabenow
United States Senator 

********************************************************************************

Dear Senator Stabenow –

I wanted to let you know that I am one of your constituents that is very much in favor of the Supreme Court’s excellent decision to allow employers to make decisions in accordance with their respective religious beliefs. 

The court’s recent decision makes it so that a company does not have to choose between violating their closely held and important religious beliefs and paying a fine to an overreaching government.   If you were more familiar with the decision that those 5 men on the Supreme Court had made and were capable of doing a cursory Google search on the actual specifics of the decision, you would find that the decision still allows women to purchase a wide variety of birth control through their company provided insurance. It only limits those forms of birth control that actually kill the baby in the women’s womb after it has been conceived.  I must say that I am very disappointed that you, as a representative to millions of Michigan residents would be so ill informed regarding this decision, and as the media at large did, resort to such grandiose fear mongering that is so blatantly false. Your ill-informed propaganda caters to the lowest common denominator sound bite audience that take your erroneous statements as gospel and spew your falsities back on anyone who will listen. 

Unfortunately, I feel compelled to turn your sound bite techniques back on you and throw the almost cliché quote “If you repeat a lie enough times, it will become the truth” back at you. While I understand that this logic is one of the most commonly used tools in you and many of your colleagues’ arsenals, that, unfortunately for you and your ilk,  does not make it any more valid than it was when it was originally stated in Nazi propaganda.

One of the key underlying issues that I have never understood in this whole debate is when did free birth control become a “right”.  When did it become the job of the government to subsidize a women’s desire to prevent pregnancy?  And for that matter, when did pregnancy become this horrid disease that you and collaborators feel the need to prevent at all costs?  Pregnancy is a gift from God, and is the natural result of a natural act.  This is a fact that those who would believe the lies that you spread seem to consistently overlook and conveniently ignore.  Pregnancy is not something that needs to be “cured”.  Birth control is not “preventative care”.  It does not prevent a disease.  It is insulting to women in my opinion to put it in the same category as maternal care and pre-cancer screenings.

As far as your trite “pre-existing condition” argument – I will say that I as an insulin dependent diabetic, I understand what a pre-existing condition is all too well.  I find it insulting that that you and your accomplices feel the need to subsidize birth control under the guise of “women’s health”, and yet if I were to suggest that the government provide my insulin or diabetic supplies for free, I would be laughed off the stage.  I will die if I do not take my insulin every day.  No woman has ever died because they were not given free birth control.

Why is there no one in the Senate writing a bill that will provide insulin for free?  I dare say that providing free or even subsidized insulin to all diabetics would be vastly cheaper than providing free birth control to %51 of the population.  And there would be no argument from any religious groups because there is no ethical, moral, religious, political, or logical argument to the fact that insulin is needed to treat the very real disease that diabetes is.  However, because this would only affect a relatively small proportion of your constituency, I understand that it would not have near the voter appeal, and therefore is not worth your time.

Why have you not fought hard to prevent insurance companies from charging diabetics more for health care because they are diabetics?  Diabetics, many of who are breadwinners for their families, can and will continue to be asked to pay the same for their health care.  Why are diabetics asked to pay more for their health care?  You could make this argument for any legitimate disease – cancer, high blood pressure, mental disease – you name it, and I have yet to hear a valid argument from any of you or your comrades as to why free birth control for women has been chosen as the golden chalice to be attained at all costs other than the convenient fact that you can appeal to %51 of your voters.

I will count on your and your fellow Party members to continue to work towards keeping Michigan families to an acceptable size and work together to insure that you can get the most votes possible by spreading misinformation about flashpoint issues.

Thank you for your time.

Jesse Ekblad

United States Citizen

Registered voter

Proud Catholic

Simple Summer

Well, here we are, mid July already.  There's no vacation to break up our summer and it's about that time when people start feeling a little too close for comfort.

Luckily a friend told me about Vacation Bible School at her parish this week.  I signed up, wavered about whether I should use the gas to get there, and then panicked when I realized it was the same week as Hannah and Owen's driver's ed class but in the end (thanks to driving help from my mom) decided to send them.  Today was day 1 and it went well.  They all loved it (I have 5 kids attending and one helping out).  I am grateful that my kids enjoy the simple things in life.  They still get excited about splashing in the kiddie pool and playing with the hose.  They've missed out on the bouncy castle twice at the farmer's market but seem to enjoy the story time and other activities offered there.  Free or close to it is the name of the game here.  I hope that the kids will grow up with good memories of lazy summer days with little structured activities.  

With only 6 weeks left of summer it's time for me to start curriculum planning....I won't tell the kids that just yet, though.

Happy 6th Birthday Cecilia!!

 (Katie and Cecilia the day she was born.)

Every birthday that they have I wonder "how did that happen"?  Happy 6th Birthday to dear Cecilia Ruth.  She is the sweetest kid with the biggest heart that I've ever met.  She's always the one to give her last bite of cookie, give up whatever toy she has, and do whatever chore needs to be done.

Today she celebrated with cinnamon rolls for breakfast, Katie took her to lunch at a place in our neighborhood and gifted her this awesome princess dress.

Later we went for "coffee" with grandma and daddy, grilled some hot dogs for dinner, and finally cupcakes and presents.  I think she had a good day.

Happy Birthday Cecilia!  We love you!

Happy Independence Day!

In years past Independence Day has come and gone with little fanfare from me.  We attend the Salute to America at Greenfield Village every year for fireworks (thanks to my generous parents) but mostly that's the highlight and then the actually 4th of July is just another day.  This year has brought with it so many changes for me.  Mostly hard ones but today was a good change.  I found myself being incredibly grateful not only for our freedom (especially our religious freedom) but so grateful for our family and friends.  So many texts wishing us a good day.  So many texts and messages and calls over the last many months checking on us/me.  So many prayers.  It feels like today should be Thanksgiving because in my heart that's what it has been. For the first time ever we went to Greenfield Village on July 4.  I always thought they would be closed for some reason.  After that we splurged on Little Caesar's and did s'mores before bedtime.  Frances is blissfully asleep now and I have some homework to do.  So I'll post a gross amount of pictures and say Happy 4th of July!

Maybe I Can't Be Quiet

So it figures the day I declare silence is golden I'm ignited by this whole Hobby Lobby fiasco.  I have followed that story much like I follow everything that doesn't involve when the baby needs to eat or when the kids need to be at Lifeteen....vaguely and mostly from Facebook articles.  But I woke up around 4 a.m and could not sleep.  Jesse and I had some long conversations last night about the Hobby Lobby ruling and the absolute outrage by those that "lost".  He said he was listening to an interview on NPR and the woman representing the losing side was rabid and making no sense.  So I started reading around for real.  I read articles from both sides and some that claimed neutrality.  Hobby Lobby's medical coverage STILL covers 16 different kinds of contraceptives.  They just do not cover abortions or medications that cause abortions.  In one discussion with Jesse I wondered WHY on earth contraception has become some kind of "right".  HOW did that even happen?  I mean - do people die if they don't have sex?  I'd have to say no.  But Jesse, a type 1 diabetic, will die if he doesn't have his insulin and blood testing equipment.  Yet those aren't covered 100% or even close.  Not even in the best of medical plans (in our experience).  Where are the diabetic protesters demanding that they get free insulin?  When did contraception become "women's health"?  And when did pregnancy and babies become a disease to be done away with?

Around 4:30 a.m. I was struck with the reality of how these rabid and angry women look at people "like me".  They see someone who's too stupid to know how to use birth control.  They see a Church that "oppresses" women.  Even some within my own Church who have chosen to use Natural Family Planning (approved by the Church) to space babies have expressed to me that I lack self control and that's why I have so many children.  I pondered these thoughts for a while.  I often hear people tell me that I shouldn't care what others think.  I don't know that I really *care* so much as I feel sad that the vision of children and family has been so screwed up that those of us that choose larger families and are blessed with them have somehow become the enemy.  What *I* know in my heart is that my children (all of them -those on earth and those already in heaven) were planned by God long before even I existed.  They aren't results of someone too stupid to use birth control or someone that lacks self control.  They aren't commodities.  They aren't burdens.  They aren't here to ruin the earth or to get in the way of someone else's plans.  They are here because God willed that they should be here.  Jesse and I just happen to be the recipients of His love and mercy in the form of these precious souls. 

I do not in any way think that everyone should have a certain number of children.  Or any children at all.  But to look at me and my family as though we don't deserve the same "choice" to have children as someone else does not to have them confuses me.  Mostly seeing the faces of some of these women makes me feel sad.  They have been hurt somewhere along the line in some way that makes them feel like it's OK to kill their own children and that it's a right to have their employer, and in essence all of us, pay for it.  I do not judge them for their choices but I do feel sad that this is what our country has become. 

So there are my random thoughts on all of this mess.  I hope more than anything in this world that my children will always know that they were desired in our hearts, welcomed in our arms, and cherished 100% no matter if they were child number 1 or child number 12.  The world will likely try to convince them otherwise.  So I'm writing it here in hopes that someday they will read it and know.  As my fertile years drift away I will mourn the loss of this privilege to bring forth life with Jesse and in cooperation with God.  I know that thought process makes some "progressive" women think I've dragged all women back 100 years.  That's OK.  I will continue to pray for them to find peace in their choices. 

"I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations."
Jeremiah 1:5

(Josie - Child number 11.  She tells the best stories ever.)

Error Messages {O You of Little Faith}

 

Ever since my life seemingly exploded last fall I've also been receiving "error" messages every time I try to blog or upload pictures.  Since the littlest things exhaust me these days I usually just answer with "ok" and put off blogging for another day, week, month...whatever.  I miss pushing my opinions, experiences, and views on the whole 3 people that read my blog, though. 

Finally it's July which is big in our house this year.  Cecilia turns 6, Frances turns ONE!, Brandon gets married and I finish school!!  Of course that means the days in July will drag on and on and on but at least it's summer and we can eat Popsicle, take walks, and stay up late.

The past few weeks we've had a handful of sick kids - whooping cough.  Talk about an error message.  After educating myself and MUCH prayer we decided to delay immunizations for the younger 7 kids.  It was definitely time and I had made the appointment to get started but about a week and a half before that some of them were diagnosed with whooping cough.  While it was annoying in the older kids it was pretty scary in the baby.  We all took the antibiotics and stayed in until the doctor said we wouldn't be carriers or contagious anymore.  I sat up nights with Frances in case she needed me.  I second and third guessed the whole immunization thing.  I don't think I would do anything differently.  I may in the future but, like most things in my life, I try to listen to God's will knowing full well that even IN God's will things can and do go a way that we don't want sometimes.  And so we met conventional treatments with the more natural ones that I learned from the past and got through with prayer and patience.  I know there are those that point fingers because we didn't choose immunizations.  I know there are those that will point fingers if we do choose immunizations in the future.  This year has been one of eye opening, gut wrenching, complete and total humility for me already.  A few pointing fingers aren't going to hurt me.  The "error messages" have been off the scale for me.  We fell behind in homeschooling (well, I did.  The kids did great!) this year too.  It's that time in the house where things start leaking and breaking and falling apart.  We have drawers with no fronts (the baby LOVES those!), a leaking refrigerator, Jesse's car died after many years of use.  That bag of money that I had hoped for never showed up but God has in various ways.  The Gospel for today reminds me of what I feel like God has been saying to me for so long but especially this year : TRUST IN ME.  No person can provide what He can and has in my life.  I'm not sure when the error messages will go away (if ever) or when I'll really feel like writing again but I'm discovering new beauty and new ways.  Sometimes quiet is *the* way (who knew?). 

 

"As Jesus got into a boat, his disciples followed him.
Suddenly a violent storm came up on the sea,
so that the boat was being swamped by waves;
but he was asleep.
They came and woke him, saying,
“Lord, save us! We are perishing!”
He said to them, “Why are you terrified, O you of little faith?”
Then he got up, rebuked the winds and the sea,
and there was great calm.
The men were amazed and said, “What sort of man is this,
whom even the winds and the sea obey?”

Mt 8: 23-27