Some Days

Some days the dishes can wait (it's nearly 60 degrees in January!!)
Some days the laundry can sit a while longer, the emails can go unanswered, and memory work can be skipped.

Some days hearing a mess of kids shouting "it's her first time in the swing - look - look - she's in the swing!!" is worth more than a vacuumed rug or a quiet time while the toddler naps.

Some days as a baby not even 6 months old watches in anticipation for her siblings to come running by (and then squeals in delight as they whisk past) I stop, look up, and say "thank you Jesus".

Digging Through the Past

I'm writing a book.  OK, I'm supposed to be writing a book.  It's a "work in progress" to be sure and may take me several more years to finish.  As I write I am forced to dig deep into my past.  Into my own past and into the past of my marriage and parenting life.  Sometimes that's not so easy.  Sometimes it's downright painful.  It's tempting to either deny my past or to get stuck there.  When I write about things I have to feel it, I have to re-live it.  For some things (like the births of our children) that's a good things.  For other things, well, not so much.  Last night as I sat in front of my computer I pondered the last 20 years of my life.  Brandon will turn 20 in February.  I've parented for TWO whole decades!  I remember having one child and being more overwhelmed than I am today with 10.  I remember having five children 10 and under and thinking I would die.  I now have 5 children under age 7 and 5 over age 7 and I'm not dead.  Those are good things - good memories.  So what of the bad ones?  They are as much apart of me as the good.  I can see where Jesus - the still, small voice - was whispering on my shoulder.  Gently pushing me in the right direction even as I resisted.  I see that there was spiritual warfare going on - a fight for my soul -  and that I chose the wrong path more than once.  I slept fitfully last night but awoke to a new (sunshiny!) day this morning.  As I opened my eyes, I realized that my past (good and bad) is what makes me who I am today.  Now, I am not (I repeat - I am NOT) suggesting poor judgement, being of the world, and SIN as a route to God.  I was stupid, slow, and misguided.  But, since I did choose that route I can say with the utmost certainty that God is ALL MERCIFUL!!  I am amazed with all that He has given me, even then when I gave Him nothing.  At least now I *try* ;)  So I will write the truth, the good, and the bad.  I will feel it again (perhaps it hurts worse when you know what you've done and how it hurt God and those around you) but I will not get stuck there nor will I run away.  I will face it, accept it, and look forward.  After all, as Blessed John Paul II said "We are an Easter people and Hallelujah is our song." 

Mommy Rosary

I steal away for a moment - 10 minutes - maybe 15 - to spend some time with the Blessed Mother. Lots on my mind. I'm trying to gain clarity, peace, understanding.

Hail Mary, I begin, (knock knock knock - MOM - I want a snack.).....they walk away and I continue my prayers. I get through a decade and then I hear (knock knock knock - mommy - I need to change my clothes.) I let her in, help her change her clothes, she leaves. Back on my knees I manage through two more decades....(knock knock knock - MOOOOM - I want to play a game. MOMMY - I need some water). I open the door and tell them kindly "mommy is praying and will be done in 5 mintues". In an unusual turn of events they respect my request and go downstairs. I attribute that to my prayers for peace to the Blessed Mother. Where was I, right, on my knees, the 4th Joyful Mystery. I hear tiny knocks. The 2 year old this time. (Pease I come in?) I let her in, I finish my Rosary. The Hail Holy Queen. Some days (most) when I pray I don't feel "holy" enough. I'm interrupted, distracted, lose my place. I don't feel at peace or particularly prayerful. It's not the picture of what I think it should be. But it's all I have to give to Him. I read His Word late into the night with Josie sleeping two inches away; I listen to her breathing and soak up the moments of quiet and peace. In those moments I feel that I am doing His Will. I believe He understands my "distractions" and He blesses all of my feeble attempts. And for that I am grateful.

Gratitude Sunday

What a BLESSED week we have had! And a fabulous weekend too. What started off as a dreary, sad, January week ended with blessings in abundance from God. Mass today was amazing and we had a speaker after. Thanks to Hannah and Owen for watching the littles so Jesse and I were able to listen to what Fr. had to say. And the rest.....
Midwinter hiking with just Jesse, snow falling, silence, trees.....yummy food, shared thoughts, books, prayers, wine, lunch with my whole family (minus Brandon), tasks completed, learning to live in the MOMENT......

prayers to St. Francis to help me UNDERSTAND others rather to be UNDERSTOOD by them....learning new things (even at my age), friends from around the world loving me and praying for us.......

Reconciliation, working on my 1000 Gifts, learning to be grateful (the more we focus on what we are grateful for the more we have to be grateful for.....), love, sticky toddler kisses, laughter, LIFE. And the promise of a new week....

On Anger

I've lived my life in a revolving cycle of anger. Yep. A good examination of conscience before a recent sacramental confession showed me that nearly every sin I wrote down involved anger. I had never connected the dots before. I had always attributed it to the deadly sin of pride but this day Fr. asked me "why are you angry?". The question caught me completely off guard and I scrambled for an answer. But I didn't have one. Why should I, a wife that is loved, a mother of 10 healthy children, and most importantly a daughter of God be angry? There are times when I can point to specific things that make me feel angry - the horrors of abortion, when someone cuts me off on the highway, a toddler that refuses to wear shoes or pants in the dead of winter.



But Fr's question led me to a deeper reflection of the consequences of living my life in a cycle of anger. Jesus certainly had "righteous anger" in the Bible which is what I would call my anger about abortion. That kind of anger turns over tables and can't sit quietly while a grave injustice is being done to those without a voice. But the rest of my anger is, well, it's ridiculous. I read a book a while back on controlling anger and have read countless books on forgiveness and reconciliation. I thought my failings were from lack of forgiveness but I was wrong. Before I could forgive I had to face my anger. I think we're living in a time of angry people, in general. Everyone is out for number one and if anyone gets in their way EVERYONE will hear about it. Lines at the supermarket and the post office, the roadways, and anger is very present in cyberspace at places like Facebook. Fr. recommended that I invited Jesus into my wounds of anger and ask Him to heal them. I hadn't thought of that one before (see why regular confession is such a blessing??!!). I had pleaded with God to make me more forgiving, to help me forget the past and all the things I thought I was angry about. But I had never asked Him to heal my anger. Since that moment of full exposure before the priest (who, in the sacrament of confession, is representing Jesus) I felt freer. I had finally identified my true issue. I'm sure others (especially those close to me) had identified my issue long ago but it took that moment for me to be free and begin again. I say that alot - begin again. I do it alot. ("Behold, I make all things new" Revelations 21:5)

I feel a tremendous weight on my shoulders to set a good example for these children of ours. They watch with their big eyes. They are at various stages of life and sometimes I worry that I have failed the big ones. I worry I'll be too old and tired for the little ones when they are big. And I wonder if the middles will get lost in the shuffle. Fear and anger are tools of the evil one. If I remain angry and stuck in the past then I cannot grow in God's love, forgiveness, and grace. I do not wish to be *that* mother, *that* wife, *that* daughter or *that* friend. Jesus wished PEACE for us and that is what I crave. Peace and anger cannot reside together in the same heart. One must go.

Each new day God sets before us a choice. We can choose blessings or curses. We cannot choose both.
"This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live."
Deuteronomy 30:19

The Scars of Motherhood

Jesse and I have been walking a couple of miles pretty much every night since October-ish.  It's a practice we started before I got pregnant with Josie but stopped when it was way too hot and humid for my big, round body to get around.  It was something I missed and we couldn't wait to start again once I healed from Josie's birth.  So we walk in the dark and cold every night (pretty much).  It was lovely when there were Christmas lights to look at and even lovelier when there was snow softly falling.  I tend to gain a rather large amount of weight when I'm pregnant.  It used to alarm my doctors but now they know it so they don't say much as I'm otherwise healthy.  (When I say alot I mean a lot - like 60 lbs or more).  So, after my babies are born I have alot of work to do to get the weight off.  Before I was diagnosed with my thyroid disorder it was TOUGH to get the weight off.  The last two babies it's been a bit easier.  But as I have been losing weight this time I'm noticing that, yeah, I still look about five months pregnant.  I was told after my fourth or fifth baby that my stomach muscles had done that separation thing so I shouldn't really count on my stomach to benefit much from any kind of sit ups (good thing because I really hate sit ups).  But wow, looking at my body now I am carrying some serious scars.  In a society that values appearance above all else (except maybe income but I don't have that going for me either) it's a hard thing to look like you've carried, birthed, and breastfed 10 babies. 

Some years ago there was an exhibit at our local church of the Shroud of Turin . I remember clearly the very life like crucifix with Jesus hanging on it that was at the exhibit as well.  Now THOSE were some scars.   The other day as I was reflecting on how I could understand why a woman would desire plastic surgery after she had ended her child bearing years I thought of Jesus and His scars.  The scars that he received because of me and my sins.  The resurrected Lord didn't cover up His scars.  The holes in His hands and feet are there still.  The gash in His side.  The marks on His back.  When I see those scars I think of how much He loved me (and you and everyone).  So much that He was willing to offer His body for us.  Certainly pregnancy and childbirth cannot be compared to what Jesus went through but it is parallel in a way.  Mothers and wives give up their bodies for the love of their spouses and children.  It took me a long time to realize that no amount of good nutrition or exercise will ever give me my pre baby body.  I do have a duty to care for my body as it has been given to my by God and is a temple of the Holy Spirit.  But I no longer wish away the scars of motherhood.  I am proud of them.  To many in society they may look ugly but to me they will always be a reminder of the love I have for my husband and children.  What a privilege and an honor to be chosen for such a task.  I never want to erase them.  Not anymore.

In These Moments

The piles of laundry, the mounds of dishes, the unpaid bills don't matter.

In these moments my unfinished degree, my scarred up body, dreams unaccomplished don't matter.

For it's in these moments I see that God had different dreams, that laundry will get washed, that the dishes will get done and the bills will get paid. In these moments it feels right what we're doing. We're persecuted by many but loved by more. We stand out when we go out but in these moments it doesn't matter. So I am still. I watch. I soak it in. And I'm at PEACE.

Coolest video of the March for Life so far… | LifeSiteNews.com

Coolest video of the March for Life so far… | LifeSiteNews.com

Broken and Blessed - A Book Review

I remember the emails that came in nearly 7 years ago through our homeschooling group.  We were asked to pray for a local family who's 7th baby was born with a heart defect of sorts.  The emails were very detailed and written with love.  At the time, Sam, (our 6th baby) was just a few weeks old.  He weighed in at 10lbs and was healthy as a horse.  As I nursed him and read these emails my heart broke for this family.  Every few weeks (or maybe a bit more frequently) the emails came in and I read and I prayed.  When the baby passed away and the emails stopped my heart ached for this family.  I couldn't imagine the suffering that they were experiencing.  A couple of years later I heard the mother on Catholic Radio and picked up her book, her story, in the local Catholic bookstore.  By then I was expecting our 7th baby.  I picked up the book (called Broken and Blessed)  but I couldn't bear to read it.  I was a coward.  Fast forward several years and I crossed paths with Cathy Adamkiewicz (the author and baby's mother) on Facebook.  Remembering her book I picked it up and finally read it.  The story, the strength of her, the strength of her family, their faith, and her honesty blew me away.  As I poured over the pages I laughed and I cried and I was so very inspired by their experiences.  More than that I now find myself praying to their angel, Celeste, in heaven.  I encourage you to pick up this book and read it.  It's a story like nothing I've ever read.  You will not regret it, I promise.

When Prayers Are Answered

I opened my eyes this morning to another dark January morning.  "Why is it so dark??!!" I had exclaimed last night.  "It's winter" was Jesse's answer.  Yes, it certainly is.  So when I awoke this morning (after I thanked God for allowing me another day to right my wrongs and work for His glory) I mentally went through the tasks of the day.  Lots of little things to do today but nothing exciting.  After breakfast and morning prayer with the kids I moved on to my spiritual reading for the morning.  I have been working diligently on getting the log out of my eye and less on pointing out the flaws of others.  I seem to have a problem with picking on other people when I am frustrated with myself, my prayer life, and my relationships.  So, this year I've been really working on my log.  Some days are better than others.  I have been blessed with three very special friends who are walking with me through this journey (not that *they* have logs or anything just that they are listening to me and sharing ideas with me :) ).  This morning I was blessed with this quote in my inbox with the words "this made me think of you".

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself.  Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - everyday begin the task anew." St. Francis de Sales (who's feast day we celebrate today).


I am no stranger to St. Francis de Sales.  I read his book "Introduction to the Devout Life" a couple of years ago.  It was actually his book that gave me hope that after 35 years I could truly change my path, change my attitudes, and become more the woman that God wants me to be.  I had forgotten about that book, of course, as I seem to forget everything and sink back into my old, comfortable ways.  It's all too easy to point fingers at those I live with or others saying "if only THEY were better/different then *I* could be nice".  After receiving the Body and Blood of Christ at last night's Mass in the 2 minutes I had to pray and reflect and be thankful for His sacrifice (you know, before someone cried, fell, or pulled my hair ;) ) I begged for a sign, a message, something telling me that I'm on the right path.  I wondered if I should stop, go back, start over.  I hadn't told my friends about my request to God.  And the message above is a prayer answered for me.  EVERYDAY we start anew.  I usually muck it up by noon.....but I will recite this quote again and again.  I ask for your prayers as I continue down the road.  I want to be a good example of Christian virtue for my family, for my children.  I want to be the wife that my husband deserves.  As I sit with my piles of devotionals, rosaries, and prayer books (Ok, most of my books are condensed onto my kindle now which makes things much easier ;) ) I pray that someday I can be that person.  I will never give up.  And I keep a list of all prayer intentions that people have asked for so if you have any please let me know.  I will offer up the swallowing of my enormous pride for you all.  Never be afraid to ask God for a message.  For as scripture says "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you shall find; knock and the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7

A Person's A Person No Matter How Small

From our president regarding the anniversary of Roe v. Wade (which was yesterday) :

As we mark the 39th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, we must remember that this Supreme Court decision not only protects a woman’s health and reproductive freedom, but also affirms a broader principle: that government should not intrude on private family matters. I remain committed to protecting a woman’s right to choose and this fundamental constitutional right. While this is a sensitive and often divisive issue- no matter what our views, we must stay united in our determination to prevent unintended pregnancies, support pregnant woman and mothers, reduce the need for abortion, encourage healthy relationships, and promote adoption. And as we remember this historic anniversary, we must also continue our efforts to ensure that our daughters have the same rights, freedoms, and opportunities as our sons to fulfill their dreams.


There are so many things wrong with this statement.  First - a woman's reproductive freedom comes BEFORE she consents to the act that could result in the making of a baby.  And in the case that she has not consented, abortion (killing your own baby) is not the answer.  It has proven to compound the problem.

Second - So, he's saying that the government shouldn't intrude on "private family matters".  Hmm, OK, so since we can kill our own babies (through the 9th month of pregnancy) then leaving them to take care of themselves at age 3 is ok, too, right?  I mean, if that's what I decide is ok for my family?  I can not send them to school (or home educate them), right?  Is it OK if I beat them?  Aren't those ALL private family matters? Where does that end?  What is and isn't considered a private family issue?  

Mr. President - contraception has NOT reduced the need for abortion.  The "failure" rate is incredibly high.  I, myself, have (thankfully) conceived five children while "using contraception".  That was before I knew better.  Thanks be to God I had honest friends that told me what the truth of contraception is.  Further, contraception does not encourage "healthy relationships".  It encourages sex outside of marriage and people using each other as means to an end. 

I can't stop reeling about the "we must also continue our efforts to ensure that our daughters have the same rights, freedoms, and opportunities as our sons to fulfill their dreams."  Really?  Where are those hard core feminists (or the president) when women are being treated as objects?  Pornography is absolutely out of control.  Is this really "advancement" for women?  Are women allowed to be normal, "overweight", imperfect (in the eyes of the world?).

It's no secret what my "stance" on this issue is.  Again, I will say, this is a HUMAN RIGHTS issue.  I know it's a hard "choice".  People don't want to be inconvenienced.  I chose to have my son when I was 2 months past my 18th birthday.  I was still in high school.  I didn't get to go to the college that I wanted to go to.  I didn't get to travel, I've always been short on money, I wondered where our food would come from.  I had our power shut off and went without a phone.  I worked two jobs and went to school full time.  I didn't have it HALF as hard as most people do, honestly.  I wasn't faced with the things that many of other women are.  The answer is NOT for our government to throw more money at Planned Parenthood.  Women don't have abortions because it's their "choice".  They have abortions because they feel they have NO other choice.  We live in a country (world?) that doesn't value human life.  If someone is too small or too sick to be productive then they are nothing.  We are living in a holocaust.  I pray today that those attending the March for Life in Washington DC and on the West Coast too will be safe and I am grateful they are there to be a voice for the voiceless.  Each year on this day I will be forever grateful for that still small voice that told me to choose life for my son (and for all of the children that followed) and I pray that those who, for whatever reason, were not able to make that choice for their babies will find peace and healing through God's never ending mercy.  I also pray that our president will someday see that "a person's a person no matter how small".

"A nation that kills its own children has no future." ~ Bl John Paul II

 

Gratitude Sunday

It's been an...odd....week - but I found these pictures on my computer (transferred from an old phone by Hannah). My how time flies. And the speed of time reminds me to take time to reflect on all that I'm grateful for..... (extra points for those that can guess who the kids are in the pictures ;) )....

For healthy kids, for friendship and all that goes with it, for yummy food, walks in the cold, for snow!

For clean water, family, rest, and coffee.....

For hope and the promise of a new day, a new week......

For fun toys, heat, blankets, good movies, good books, Mass with my family, texting with Brandon, and so.much.more!

Just A Thursday

Thursday is not Friday which isn't in it's favor.  It is four days from Monday, which is good.  Thursday brings with it all the things I "meant to do" this week and never got around to.  There are snow flurries on this Thursday, which we are enjoying....

Well, except Clare, she got her gear on and then stood at the door screaming "It's cold.  It's cold.  It's cold."

New blocks from her godparents cheered her up, though.

I'm trying out my own blog "PAGE" on Facebook.  It might be fun.  I've read several books this week which I will review next Tuesday.  Some absolute gems that are inspiring, heartbreaking, motivating, and have brought me all to a new level in several areas of my life.  Funny how, as I get older, I think "is this it?  Am I stuck here?" and God says "nope, get moving because there's so much more for you to become."  So I'm grateful for this Thursday and hopeful for Friday and excited for Saturday....

Josephine (Josie, Jo Jo) is 5 Months Old!!!

Here she is admiring daddy's artwork.....

Wow! Time has flown! Josephine continues to grow and change everyday and we are so blessed to have her with us. She was resistant to the hair bow so I'm not sure how much longer that will be allowed in the photos. Josie spends her days rotating between baby carriers, big siblings, nursing, a few baby contraptions, and in some play time on the floor. She is surrounded with love every waking moment and while she sleeps too. The more babies I have the more grateful I become for each moment, each milestone met, each chubby little fist....I moved out the smaller baby clothes earlier this week and brought in the bigger ones. While it's hard to believe how much she's grown at the same time I'm grateful that she is growing, is strong, and is healthy. Blessed beyond measure we're plowing through the darkness of January with baby smiles that can light up a dark room. Happy Wednesday everyone!