When God Isn't Done With You Yet {Choosing To Live}

 

 

Three years ago today I nearly lost my life to miscarriage.   And many times since that day I wished that I had.  Maybe that kind of brutal honesty isn't what you had hoped to read in sentence two but it is what it is.  I didn't wish to lose my life because I'm not grateful for all that I have been given or because I don't love my children but mostly because as humans we avoid pain and suffering at all costs.  I recall that moment like it was yesterday.  Really it wasn't a moment but several hours all leading up to that moment when I had to decide - live or die.  And as I lay on the bathroom floor trying to muster up the energy to do either I felt a gust of wind and heard a voice say "I'm not done with you yet".  So the ambulance was called and the hours that followed were incredibly painful emotionally and physically.  It took weeks, really months, to recover.  After that day I suffered a series of losses, big ones, and small ones, and one that made me want to grab Jesus on the shoulders and shake Him as hard as I could and ask why I didn't get to escape that pain when I had the chance.  Selfish, yep, short sighted, absolutely, but it's the truth.  Sometimes when we grieve, when we suffer losses, we can't see what might be just around the corner.  But in Christ we know that Romans 8:28 is true.  And we know that God's plan and His timing is always best.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

 

What was around my corner were things and people and events that I could never have conceived of.  Babies to be born, a wedding, friends, laughter, tears, and witnessing what GRACE can do to a life, to a person, to a marriage....As I sit here today I am struck hard with the idea that I ever wanted this crazy life to end all to avoid suffering that has gutted me in a way that has allowed Jesus truly in, to truly work in my life. 

 

 

I remember the feeling of endless as the months and even years passed after that day.  While I was grateful for life I was also dragging along and one day melted into the next.  I held on to the pain of loss and resisted whatever it was that God said He wasn't done with me for.  I don't know what is in store for me tomorrow for me but I do know that the feeling of endless holds a different meaning for me now.  I want endless.  I want endless babies and endless teens and endless 1st graders learning to read.  I want endless toilets needing to be cleaned (truth) and endless dishes and laundry and meals to cook.  I see the beauty in the most mundane of tasks.  I learned to do them with a broken heart on days when getting out of bed seemed monumental and noteworthy and now I just do them because I'm here and I can.

 

 

 

What I dream of most is the endless eternity that God has promised to those who love and serve Him in this life.  That's an endless I can  truly get excited about.  But not yet.  I no longer yearn to go back to that moment when I had to decide to live or die.  In a way we all decide day after day if we will live or die.  Maybe we aren't facing a physical death but the death of our spirits, our hearts, our families, our marriages.  Perhaps we struggle with forgiveness, mercy, grace, or a multitude of other things.  Maybe we don't choose to die to self to serve others because we believe that this life is fleeting so we may as well enjoy it while we can.  In my life I have struggled with all of those things and much, much more.  I am so grateful that God has kept me here.  I'm so grateful for all the struggles, pain, losses, joy, and blessings.  I miss our baby and think of her often but I know she is with Jesus and what better place is there to be?

 

I hope that you will all pray with me, on this day, or any day, in thanksgiving for the gift of life that we all have and for the courage to continue living it even when it is difficult.

 

Dear Heavenly Father - Thank You for the gifts that You give us in this life.  Thank you for the struggles, joy, and pains.  As we journey along our paths, when we hit rocky spots where the pain is so intense that we desire to leave here please fill us with your GRACE and LOVE and show us all the ways in which You love us.  Give us the strength and desire to move forward - one day at a time.  And remind us of your MERCY and help us to  never desire that which isn't pleasing to You.  Thank you for LIFE.  Please comfort those who are in dark places and unable to see the light and beauty of this life.  In Jesus Name we pray, Amen.

{Father's Day}

 

Happiest of Father's Day to all the dads but most especially to my dad, my brother, and my husband. 

I'm incredibly grateful for these men and what they do for my family.

 

And dear Jesse - you have a lot of really weirdo kids and a few normal ones...

 

 

 

 

May these kids always know how much they are loved by their earthly father and their Heavenly Father. 

Remembering Gratitude {Meeting Ann Vaskomp}

I read it curled up under blankets in my bed during the darkest times of winter that year.  I had heard about this book about gratitude and loaded it to my ipod kindle app the moment it was released and within minutes I was completely immersed in it.  I was nauseous and newly pregnant with Josie, number 10.  She was buried safely within me but I was anxious and fearful because before her I had lost two babies.  Gratitude seemed foreign to me at that time.  At least the kind of gratitude that digs deep and changes hearts.  But her book changed my view and set the foundation for what would eventually mend a broken heart and save a shattered marriage.  Gratitude, real, raw, unrestricted gratitude is life changing.  Today, nearly three and a half years after I read that book in the dark of winter and nearly 2 years after a darkness nearly took over my heart, I heard the author speak and she said this - giving thanks calms anxieties and fears.  In Matthew 26:26, as Jesus prepared for the most brutal of deaths, He didn't collapse to anxiety and fear, instead He gave thanks.   She went on to say that when we focus on the darkness of our lives, and we all have that darkness, we are giving praise to the evil one.  When we praise the light in our lives, and we all have that light, we are praising Jesus!  Well that was revolutionary to me and yet again I was inspired to move forward and be more grateful for all the things and times in my life.  I was reminded not to focus on the future or dwell in the past but to live in the here, the right now.  When this opportunity to hear Ann speak came up I admit I was hesitant to give up the time to go.  I'd read her books and I love her blog but I wasn't sure what would be offered that I didn't already know.  God, as usual, put me in my place and reminded me once again that I have a lot to learn and a long way to go.  And so I was GRATEFUL for time with friends and a message that never loses it's meaning no matter how many times I hear it.

 "Give thanks in all circumstances." (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

Being grateful in all circumstances was a struggle for me at first.  Ultimately, though, it was a trust issue.  When I don't get what I want, when my heart is broken, when God's timing isn't the same as mine I often feel abandoned, discouraged, and alone.  But trusting that whatever I am given or whatever I am NOT given is best for me in God's plan can turn discouragement into HOPE and ultimately turn my fears and anxieties into PEACE. 

All these many years later, through many tears, in the back of my mind and in the front of my heart were those words in Ann's book.  Count it all JOY, remember to give thanks.  When I flush the toilet I give thanks for a toilet that flushes and when I push the button on the washing machine I give thanks that it still works after 40 billion loads of laundry that are probably too big and too heavy and never ever separated by colors....when there is coffee I give thanks and when there isn't I give thanks because giving thanks for what is "lacking" is key to true gratitude.  We empty ourselves out and deny ourselves to remember what Jesus did for us.  And when I remember what He did I give thanks.  He died on a tree in a horrific way not so that I could grumble about traffic or minor infractions inflicted on me by others or be bothered by a screaming toddler but so that I could be with Him forever.  That's all I need to know to get me through the darkest of days.  I was reminded today to pull the light into whatever darkness is looming about.  I can't always control what situation will be thrown at me but I can control how I view it and Who I go to for advice on how to properly deal with it.  If you haven't picked up Ann's book One Thousand Gifts please do.  I promise you that detaching from your fears and anxieties and replacing them with gratitude will change your life. 

 

 

 

As the day went on Jackson arrived home from camp safely and my blessings kept adding up.  Healthy kids, safe kids, kids with a heart for the Lord....

 

Friends who take time to do something really special and each time that I carry this I can be reminded that someone thought of me.  Is anything more precious than our time?  I am honored that a friend used her time to create something so amazing for me.

 

 

What I Have Learned About God and Marriage Through Nature

 

"For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving"

1 Timothy 4:4

I'm not a nature girl.  If you asked me what I wanted to do on any given day it probably wouldn't include a walk in the woods.  Jesse, however, thrives out in nature.  When we were first married I resisted such experiences.  I went into marriage thinking that somehow I could convince him that the woods were hot and messy and not that fulfilling.  But as the years passed it became obvious that his love for nature, hikes and the like were not passing fads but part of who he was.  So I have had to submit to such adventures now and again.  At first I just went along begrudgingly sort of making it unpleasant for him while giving a weak attempt to tell the kids "chin up".  I counted every step and made for darn sure that we didn't get off track making the trip even longer.  I acted all sore and tired after what was likely a maybe two mile hike.  I was an overall pain in the neck.  It's true that through most of it I was pregnant, had undiagnosed thyroid issues, and severe allergies but still....had my heart been in the right place things would have looked a lot better.   Isn't that the truth about so many things?  When we do things with love in our hearts, no matter what it is (including cleaning toilets and changing diapers) the outcome is much better.

Jesse and I hit a rough point (putting it mildly) in our marriage almost two years ago.  We have sifted through harsh realities, painful truths and, I believe, come through on the other side, we have started what the "experts" call "marriage number two".  We have shed off the old marriage and all it's heartache, lies, betrayals, and harsh words.  As Matthew West says in the song Grace Wins "GRACE returns what guilty stole."  And in this gift of a new marriage we have both learned to bend a bit more.  We don't just show up out of obligation for things that the other enjoys.  We try to enjoy it ourselves.  For me, realizing all things, all moments in time, are a gift from God has helped tremendously. 

Yesterday I surprised Jesse with a long anticipated canoeing adventure.  As we got into the canoe I realized two things; I'm old.  I'm not 20 anymore (which was the last time I canoed) and secondly I have zero stomach muscles.  20 pregnancies, 2 csections....well you get the idea.  So about 2 feet away from the dock I wanted to scream "Forget this.  Take me back."  But I didn't.  I took a deep breath and prayed for the intercession of St. John Paul the Great (he was a big nature guy) and just tried to look around and take it all in.  Mostly I truly enjoyed Jesse's pure JOY as we (he) rowed the boat down the lake and back. 

Today we took a walk at a local mill that has hiking trails.  We took the six youngest kids with us.  They were nonplused to go and once we got there weren't the best of sports.  As we walked I talked to the girls about all the wild flowers and how God put them there just for them.  I told them if they are ever sad and feel lonely or like no one cares that they need only to go out in nature to see the gifts that God made to brighten their day and show His love for them.  We stopped a lot along the way and at one point Mary (8) said to me "I bet if there were snakes here you wouldn't have come."  I told her there were snakes there but I came anyway because nature is where Jesse feels most alive.  It was then that it struck me hard all that I would have missed had we ended our marriage or kept trudging along as it was.  We can try to avoid the snakes by not going where there are snakes but that doesn't mean they aren't there or that we will never see a snake.  All it means is that we are missing out on what could be the richest and most blessed parts of our lives because we fear what might be there.

I have to say that I believe I have outgrown my disdain for nature.  Perhaps it's JPII's intercession or that my love for my husband is bigger than any fear that I may have.  Either way I am able to look now and see the beauty in it all.  I walked today, rosary in hand, I thanked God for His amazing gifts (even the snakes....mostly the non poisonous ones that are introverts and stay under things).  Nature has taught me that all the things that God has made are good and also that just as the green fades away in the fall to be buried under the frozen of winter, spring and then summer can come again in a marriage too.  God truly does make all things new.

 

"He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

Revelation 21:5



Why Do I Stay Catholic?

Inspired by THIS blog I answer the question "Why do you stay Catholic?"  This is an incomplete list to be sure but you get the idea. 

 

 

 

I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was in my mid teens attending a Protestant Prayer Meeting with a friend and his family.  I was a cradle Catholic and had never seen anything like it.  Hands were swaying, people were shouting their praises to Jesus.  It was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen.  More than that it was one of the most amazing things I'd ever felt.  That was my first personal encounter with the Holy Spirit.  Yes, I had already been confirmed, but that moment is seared in my brain as the moment the Holy Spirit really convicted my heart.  Me in a protestant church that I would never go to again.  Why was that my experience?  And why did I think that Catholics didn't have those kind of encounters?  I'm not entirely sure but it was my perception and it stuck. 

 

I wandered around in my young adult years longing for an encounter like that again.  Dutifully I attended Mass most weeks but something was missing.  As I grew in my Faith and, more importantly, in my understanding of the Faith I was unbelievably drawn to Eucharistic Adoration and (much) later to the sacrament of Reconciliation.  Still my heart longed for more.  More of Him. 

 

I've written before about the first time I entered Christ the King Church in the spring of 2005.  It wasn't for a Mass or even a prayer meeting but just to see a statue of Our Lady of Fatima. I remember feeling the Holy Spirit so present as I walked up that aisle.  We didn't attend there regularly until 2007/2008 but that parish has been a blessing beyond all blessings for us.

 

Back to the original question - why do I stay Catholic?  I've been praying about that this past week as I recalled my first encounter with the Holy Spirit being at a protestant Church and my great affection   for many of the activities that go on at such churches around us.  I have a huge respect for the protestant churches and their pastors.  I've gotten fabulous advice and inspiration from the books written by the leaders of many different kinds of Christian Churches. `I won't lie - I've seriously considered leaving the Catholic Church.  But when I think about the richness of our Faith I just can't do it.  So here are a few of my top reasons for staying. (In no particular order)

 

-The Saints.  When I first came back to the Church I found great comfort in reading the lives of the Saints.  Until then I knew about St. Patrick and St. Francis but only in a secular way.  As I dove into my Catholic Faith and learned about the literally thousands of Saints and their lives I was captivated.  I thought Saints were born Saints and had no idea that they could have sketchy lives, pasts, struggles, temptations, and that they had been on the same journey as I was currently on.  Who knew that St. Peter denied Jesus THREE times.  Well apparently a lot of people - but I didn't know.  St. Francis struggled with sexual sins/temptations, St. Therese of the Child Jesus struggled with depression.  Some Saints had what we now call "anger issues" and some, like St. Augustine, were just a hot mess for much of their lives.  I continue to soak up these Saint stories.  The kids and I read about the Saint of the day each morning.  We don't worship the Saints but we do pray for their intercession because we believe that they are in Heaven.  If they can whisper a request to Jesus for little old me, well, I'm going to ask.

 

-Reconciliation.  "I absolve you of your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit".  Are any words sweeter than that?  Not for me.  My life changed significantly when I started attending reconciliation more frequently.  The Graces received from that Sacrament are amazing.  I try to do a daily examination of conscious and then confess to a Priest at least once a month or more.  We do this with the kids as well and I believe it showers them with Graces.  Not perfection, not we will never make a mistake, but Graces and a clean soul.  Jesse and I have discussed that pride is a killer vice.  It destroys the soul and everything else in it's path.  Humbling yourself to confess frequently kills pride in it's tracks.  It really does.  I know some faiths confess to God in their own way but there is just something about the sacrament, the prayers, the Priest involved that just makes me feel free.  And most importantly it makes me want to be a better person. 

 

-The Liturgical Year.  The ebb and flow of the colors, the readings, the celebrations are so deep and rich.  I would miss them. I can't even pick my favorite one.  Advent is when we wait in eager anticipation for Jesus to be born.  The Christmas season is festive and JOYfilled.  But Lent in all it's baroness and sacrifice is just so darn beautiful.  Our chance to empty ourselves out for the One who gave His all for US.  So amazing!  Then the Easter Season - Christ is Risen!  He is Risen Indeed!! Then Pentecost and even "ordinary time" which, in my opinion, is anything but ordinary.  It's all perfection. 

 

-The Eucharist.  I don't know if I can say more than that about this amazing Gift. Which takes me back to my original encounter with the Holy Spirit.  What was missing at that church?  The Eucharist.  What drives me to go to Confession?  I want to receive Jesus with a clean heart.  And last night at the Prayer Meeting we had Jesus exposed in the Blessed Sacrament.  It had this old, out of shape 41 year old woman on.her.face.  The Eucharist is the closest we will get to Jesus in this life.  Eucharistic Adoration brings peace to my heart and has, many times, been a balm to a very broken heart.  At our church we have the Blessed Sacrament exposed 24/7.  At any time of the day or night we can go in and Jesus is there.  Words can't describe what it feels like to be in His presence in that way.  We believe that the Eucharist IS Jesus' body.  Not that it's a representation but that it IS HIM.  His body - what He gave up so that we could live with Him for all eternity.  I could never ever leave that.  Not for anything. 

 

-The Blessed Virgin Mary - Mary is our Mother just as she is the Mother of Jesus.  In addition to leaving us His Body He also left us His mother (John 19:27).  She protects, shelters, and comes to the aid of anyone who asks.  I once had to force myself through just one decade of the Rosary.  I now long for the day when I can do all the mysteries in one day.  Mary has brought peace to my heart so many times.

 

-A word about other traditions in the Church - The sacraments bring such a richness to our Faith.  The celebration of the Sacrament of Marriage is beautiful and holy.  The Graces received in that Sacrament are meant to keep us afloat.  In my own life I have learned to ask for the Grace to get me through day after day, especially during those dark times.  And those times will come no matter who you are. 

Catholic funerals are abundantly beautiful and meaningful.  I believe there is so much healing that occurs during the celebration of a person's life.  And again, Jesus is there, in the Eucharist.  Baptisms, Ordination, and the Anointing of the Sick are also beautiful and powerful.  Before I miscarried a few years ago I was anointed and, in the end, I relied entirely on that Grace and the power of the Holy Spirit to keep me alive. 

 

I could go on and on and on about the Church and why I now know I will never leave Her.   The Catholic Church's respect for all human life - from natural conception until natural death - is almost entirely unique in this world.  The Church Teaching on Contraception has opened my eyes to the truth and wonder of human sexuality and the layers of beauty that are hidden in a world that exploits sex and women while hating babies and families. 

 

Does the Church have issues?  Yes.  Any organization run by mortal men will always have issues.  We are all sinners.    But this Church, through many difficulties and missteps, has remained for over 2000 years.  No other Christian Church can say that.  I believe that the Catholic Church is the Church that Jesus started.  And with a start up like that - who could leave? 

 

"There are many other things which most properly can keep me in [the Catholic Church's] bosom. The unanimity of peoples and nations keeps me here. Her authority, inaugurated in miracles, nourished by hope, augmented by love, and confirmed by her age, keeps me here. The succession of priests, from the very see of the Apostle Peter, to whom the Lord, after his resurrection, gave the charge of feeding his sheep [John 21:15-17], up to the present episcopate, keeps me here. And last, the very name Catholic, which, not without reason, belongs to this Church alone, in the face of so many heretics, so much so that, although all heretics want to be called 'Catholic,' when a stranger inquires where the Catholic Church meets, none of the heretics would dare to point out his own basilica or house" (Against the Letter of Mani Called 'The Foundation' 4:5 [A.D. 397]).

St. Augustine