Happy New Year {Of Mercy}

 

Hanging high near the entrance to the hospital and nearer still to the beautiful chapel here reads this sign.  The first few times I passed it I scarcely read it.  But now we've been here several days, I've walked up and down the stairs dozens of times and each time I pause to read it.  It's simplicity touches my heart yet it's depth stimulates my mind as I go deeper into the true meaning of mercy.

 

The last few days, weeks maybe, have awakened in me something that can only be called amazing grace.  I think it's no coincidence that I had my D and C the day after the Year of Mercy began and that soon after we were faced with this cancer scare (the mass in his lung was NOT cancer but he still lost part of his left lung in the process), Jesse's surgery, and all that follows such things.  In these weeks we have been shown an incredible amount of mercy.  I've never know such love and generosity in all of my life. 

 

If you stand and look over the balcony from the second floor to the first in the hospital, especially in the morning and late afternoon, people rush in and out at lightening speed.  Who can blame them?  They have jobs to get to, kids to get home to, perhaps patients to visit.  From my view I'm in no hurry right now.  I'm blessed with caregivers at home so I can be here while Jesse heals enough to be discharged.  Not wanting to waste the precious time I've been given I visited Jesus in the tabernacle and asked Him what He wants from me here.  I think He wants me to learn more about mercy.  His mercy.  I think I first understood mercy to be forgiveness - like in the Prodigal Son parable.  I am a big fan of St. Faustina and Jesus in the Divine Mercy.  But, again, that (to me) is about forgiveness, God's forgiveness of us.  So I pondered the sign and thought of the movie Jesse and I recently saw called "The Letters".  It's the story of the life of Mother Teresa.  It clicked for me that what she did - listening, understanding, prayer, encourage, and comfort - she was showing mercy to those that everyone else discarded.  What a glorious opportunity now for me to extend my understanding of mercy.  And what a place to spell it out for me.  A hospital wall. 

 

I admit that I tend to be kind of one dimensional as I go through life.  I do my daily tasks and check off lists.  So here, caring for Jesse, I had mental lists of what needed to be done and I did it.  When I checked in with Jesus yesterday and asked Him to show me what to do I believe He was telling me to practice mercy.  Not just today or tomorrow or in this situation but really all the time and with all the people I meet.  I'm not one to make New Year's Resolutions but perhaps I will this year.  I have so much to work on.  I'm one of those rushing people generally.  I fail to listen, I don't always encourage as I should, in my rushing I may give a brush off comfort, I really don't always seek to understand others like I should.

 

When it was announced that the Pope declared a Year of Mercy I thought I had it all wrapped up.  I thought I knew all about that.  Humbled again I now realize that I know very little about mercy or at least about showing true mercy to all those around me.  I'm grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow in this new calendar year AND the Year of Mercy. 

 

 

"It is not how much we do but how much love we put into doing it."

Blessed Mother Teresa

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Perfectly Broken {Merry Christmas!!}

"Mom the Jesse tree is mostly empty" said the 8 year old as she walked through the room.  She's right.  It is.  And I lost the Mary/Baby Jesus from our nativity.  I baked zero cookies.  I wrapped gifts and have no idea what's in them.  I surface cleaned at best, sent zero Christmas cards.  My first trimester should end Saturday and my husband shouldn't have cancer.  Christmas feels *off*. 

A friend took me out for a while last night.  I feel guilty leaving Jesse with bedtime but he said it was fine.  I unloaded all of my fears, anxiety, angst....it was good.  I felt guilty after.  Like most of that stuff I shouldn't even think much less say out loud.  But I felt better all the same.  Friends who listen and  don't judge, friends like that are a gift. 

Life changes in a second.  The plans we had for Christmas break have morphed into something completely different.  I am still hopeful that the Divine Healer will remove the cancer and that will be the end of it.  I accept God's will as I pray for mine...maybe that's not accepting at all.  In the meantime daily life marches on.  Diapers, laundry, bedtimes, meals...dishes dishes dishes. 

Reality check today as I consider this my least stressful Christmas Eve ever.  I went leisurely shopping with Hannah and have sat around most of the day.  Perfect no longer matters.  Family does.  The wise among you, or perhaps those who have already traveled the painful road of illness, loss, separation, you already know that.  I think I knew too but didn't act on it.  This afternoon we will go to a crazy insane mass and I'll stand in the back (or maybe outside if it's warm enough!!) with a wide eyed chubby baby and his toddler sister dressed in their finest with feral looking hair and dirty faces.  The magic of Christmas is different for me this year.  The last few years have brought so much grace and mercy to our family and this is just one more leg on the journey, I think.  Perfectly broken sitting before the baby Jesus, that's who I will be.

The mind does crazy things in the midst of crisis.  All the angry Christmastimes that I inflicted on my kids and husband in the name of creating perfect memories.  Blah.  Hopefully they don't remember it the same way as I do.  Some of us (me) need a series of painful events to clear a way for true JOY and an appreciation for the gifts around me everyday. 

Merry Christmas dear friends.  We covet your prayers and messages of support.  Thank you all!

 

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

Isaiah 9:6

When Your Advent Kind of Feels Like Lent

(Our annual trip to the Henry Ford to see Santa.  Missing Brandon and Rose)

When the weather is warm (in MI), you've lost a baby, and your husband faces surgery to remove a mass that is thought to be cancer it just doesn't *feel* like Christmas.  The trees are up, the neighborhood is illuminated in a way that I haven't seen before, gifts are wrapped, but our hearts and heads are elsewhere.  I scribble endlessly in my prayer request notebook that was once a journal I had given to Jesse when he left for retreat.  The cover is the picture of the Divine Mercy and reads "Jesus, I trust in You".  Each day I read a bit of the Diary of St. Faustina and I'm reminded how closely knit joy and suffering are to each other.  This Advent, especially, I am reminded how short and fragile life is.  One week we saw a lively tiny heartbeat and the next time there was none. Last week Jesse came home for lunch, as he does almost every day, and the next thing I know we are headed to the ER....then the waiting.....the answers....and now this. 

I think of all that I fretted over before - Christmas had to be "just so".  Guess what?  Jesus is born even if it's not just so.  I look around in the deepest parts of my soul and cry out "Where are you Jesus?  Don't you know we are suffering here???" and I see Him there in the manger, there on the cross, there by my side.  By our sides.  I see Him in the friends and family who drop off meals, surprises, treats, send encouraging words, prayers, love.   He's there in the nurses that answer a billion questions and calm a thousand fears.  I know He's there but, as one friend said, I'm a human.  While I'm not sick with worry I do keep asking God to let this cup pass.  I'm finding that I prefer to be the patient.  I don't want to see Jesse in pain.  I don't want to be the "strong" one, the one that tries to hold it together.  I keep begging God for the Grace to not be a complete failure at all of this. 

Jesse expressed not wanting his health issues to "ruin" Christmas.  I didn't have the words then but now I do.  We are all just grateful that Jesse is here with us.  What more is there?  So many aren't so blessed this year.  Regardless of our current circumstances we know that Jesus came down from heaven on Christmas into a manger to grant us entrance into our true home.  Mercy.  If anything, the events of this Advent have brought home the TRUE meaning of Christmas - of life.  I am learning more than ever to love love love.  Love every moment, love the people closest to us at that moment.  Love the frazzled cashier, the overworked UPS guy, the person honking at me for a parking spot.  Smile, make eye contact.  Never miss the opportunity to be a light for Christ. 

Our family is so blessed to be surrounded by the most amazing people on earth.  Say what you will about social media but it has allowed us to meet some really great people.  We feel so lifted up.  Jesse said he believes the "holy chemo" will make him well.  After all Jesus is the Divine Physician. 

Please keep us in prayer and we will be praying for you.  It seems I will have lots and lots of time to pray while Jesse is in surgery and recovering.  Please pass along prayer requests and I will add them to the book. 

For those facing Christmas after a loss please know we are praying for you in a special way.  Always but most especially this year our hearts ache for you. 

This verse from John has come up again and again over the last week.  It brings me great comfort. 

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

Graces Poured Out {Year of Mercy/Home Safe}

(I came home and barely made it up to bed.  Frances (2) spoke no words but crawled in bed with me.  I placed my hand on her face and later held her hand.  Together we slept and I kept repeating to myself "LIFE is a gift" )

 

I cannot express my gratitude for your prayers enough.  I'm home and recovering.  I took all of your prayers with me to the hospital.  I had a notebook with them written in and SO many others on my heart.  Yesterday began the Year of Mercy in the Catholic Church.  And today I got to see that mercy.  As I listed off prayer requests in my head while I lay on the bed in the hospital (which, me remember the individual requests is kind of a miracle all in itself since I have ZERO memory) I had the most beautiful vision.  Before I share it I will say whoever you are, whatever you have done, GO TO JESUS.  His Mercy is for ALL.  Not just Catholics or Christians but ALL people.  He loves you.  He is not an angry God wishing to condemn or punish but His arms are open.  It doesn't matter what you have done in your life. You could be 12 or 112 with sins you think could never be forgiven.  Jesus' mercy is never ending.  He has already forgiven you.  Speak His name, tell Him you are sorry.  I have done one billion terrible awful things in my life.  I continue to sin everyday.  His mercy is always there for me.  It's there for you.  Heaven is real.  But so is hell.  Jesus wants all of us in heaven with Him.  And that is precisely where I saw St. Karol Josemaria Ekblad today.  You guys the day I saw this baby's heart beat was a day of great rejoicing.  But today is also a day of great rejoicing for I know that he is in His true home (probably with his ten other siblings there).  He gets to spend Christmas with Jesus.  I mean I'm totally jealous.

 

When I was praying for all the intentions before, during, and after surgery that I had collected plus all the others on my heart, I had a vision of the baby (who was about toddler size) pouring out all the intentions like letters at the feet of Jesus (Who was on His throne). It was amazing. I only saw Jesus' feet but I felt His love, mercy, joy.    I think our baby will be a strong intercessor for all of us. St Karol Josemaria pray for us.

 

Some dear friends gave me a framed picture with this beautiful reflection on it.  For all those who have lost a baby it is a great comfort. 

 

"Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why. You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

Mother Angelica

 

 

{Healing With Gratitude And Joy}

 

I was blessed to attend a retreat this weekend put on by the Sisters of Mary Mother of the Eucharist.  I was hesitant to go as I still haven't miscarried but I went anyway and the graces flowed freely.  The last two weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions ranging from grief and anger to anxiety in anticipation of the physical part of the miscarriage.  But God spared me those negative thoughts and feelings for a while and I soaked in what He had to tell me through the amazing people at the retreat.  The priest that spoke, Fr. David Meconi, was an expert on one of my very favorite Saints - St. Augustine.  We were all provided a copy of THIS version of The Confessions.  I couldn't write fast enough while taking notes as he spoke.  It was as if he knew exactly what I needed to hear to move forward in my life as a wife, mother, and daughter of God. 

 

When we lose something, or more specifically, someone, it is often hard to believe that God cares about us at all.  At least for me it is.  I listen to the words of the evil one telling me that if God really cared He wouldn't take a baby from me.  Those dark places lead us to depression and despair.  It is precisely in these times that my "reserves" have to be tapped into.  What scriptures have I memorized?  What truths and Truth do I know?  I have to consciously seek out the beauty that is around me even in the midst of so much destruction in my world and the world at large.  

 

St. Augustine taught that gratitude brings healing.  I truly believe that.  It has worked in a thousand different ways throughout my life.  Fr. Meconi said this weekend that we often look out into the world and think our battle is with the government (or our spouses, children, people in the community, etc) but really our battles lie in our hearts.  Some people are grateful by nature.  I am not.  I am more on the pessimistic side of things but I'm working toward full on gratitude.  It is important, of course, not to deny real issues or dangers, but in day to day living - even when we lose a baby that we so very much desired to meet on this earth - gratitude gives way to healing.

 

Tomorrow morning, early, I will undergo a D and C since the baby hasn't miscarried yet and the longer we wait the more dangerous it becomes.  Please pray for me, my doctors and nurses, and for the sweet soul who is already in Heaven with Jesus. I am grateful to have been given the opportunity to co create a precious soul with Jesse and God.  Human bodies live for a finite time but souls live forever.  This pain and mourning will turn to Joy when we meet again in our true home.  I know this.  It's the basis of my Faith and the foundation of my life.

 

Advent is a time of waiting for the King to arrive.  It's a time of miracles, wonder, and awe and certainly a time of gratitude.  No matter our crosses we have hope in the resurrection which began in a stable in Bethlehem.

 

Fr. also said this weekend that everything that we have is a gift from God and our job is to use it well and gift it back to Him.  Our baby was a gift and now our baby is back with Him. 

 

"Every good and perfect gift is from above."

James 1:17

*Please email me your prayer requests so I can keep you all in prayer during this time.*

(ekbladmom9@gmail.com)

Overwhelming Gratitude In The Midst Of Loss

 

Sunday night I didn't sleep well.  I had those kind of dreams that are *real* and when you wake up you aren't sure what just happened.  My dream revealed a baby that was no longer living on this earth.  I woke with a start but thought it was just usual mommy worry.  Still I whispered "I want what You want, God." And I thought "I hope we want the same thing."  We didn't want the same thing.  The baby measured 7w2days with a perfectly formed body but no beating heart.  As surprised as I was two weeks ago to see a beating heart I was that surprised not to see a beating heart. 

 

John 11:35 says that "Jesus wept" upon hearing of the death of his friend Lazarus.  He wept for the pain that Mary and Martha felt at their loss.  So I know He wept with me.  I know that our baby is with Jesus in Heaven now.  I know that if I keep His Word that I will see our baby and the other 10 that we have lost on the last day.  What a celebration that will be! 

 

I sent out the request for prayer among my friends and family via text and facebook and, as usual, they did not disappoint.  I truly feel lifted up in prayer in a way that I cannot explain.  I feel the kind of peace that I believe can only be attained by the prayers of those on earth and those in heaven and I am so, so grateful.

 

At first I wondered why God allowed the heart to beat at all or for us to see it only to stop the beating some days later.  My first moments of shock made me think it was a cruel joke.  But now I see it was such a gift.  A testament of the LIFE that was there below my heart and the soul that will be in Heaven for all eternity.  We recorded the ultra sound that first time.  I wondered if we should - maybe we should wait until the baby is bigger.  But God knew better and so we have a forever recording of that precious life.  A good reminder to seize the moment and appreciate the days as they come.  Every day, every life, every moment with family and friends is a gift and a miracle.

 

Jesse and I decided to name the baby Karol Josemaria after two of our most favorite and courageous men of God.  Brandon says Karol is probably visiting with St. John Paul II right now.  What a thought. 

 

And so life moves on.  I haven't miscarried yet so prayers for that are greatly appreciated.  Thank you all so very much for your kind words and prayers.  I read and truly appreciate every single one.  Because of this amazing Faith I know that I do not walk alone.

 

Today I woke up to a baby boy in footies, singing girls, and a 4 year old who says she has decided Mother Teresa is already Canonized.....Frances (2) ran our morning praise and worship as usual while happily singing along to her two favorite songs ; Our Hearts Will Rise  and More Than Conquerors  .

 

This life is fleeting but eternity is forever.  Love those around you as best you can each day, root your life in the Word of God for the happy and sad times alike, and practice gratitude a million times a day.  I know there is a time for mourning but I also know that God brings good out of all things and circumstances (Romans 8:28).

 

 

 

 

Gratitude Sunday {Week in Review}

It's been a whirlwind week with more fabulous weather!  Today after Mass and lunch Jesse and I took six of the kids on a nature hike.  It was wonderful.  I'm not usually much of a nature girl but these walks are growing on me.  God's handiwork is magnificent.

 

This week Augustine tolerated a visit from his godfather...really he enjoyed it from afar but isn't at the best age for anyone but me holding him.

Fran started our day on Friday with some praise and worship.  In the midst of the chaos it's always good to be reminded that we can stop and praise God anytime.

I got a brand new coffee mug this week thanks to Happy Saints and Zazzle.  It has quickly become my new favorite mug.

 



 

Most importantly we celebrated Hannah this week!  She turned 19 years old (on November 11) and we couldn't be more blessed to have her as a daughter.

 

Three of the girls had dentist appointments this week.  I love our pediatric dentist and all the girls did great!

 

And last but certainly not least a friend gifted these amazing wind chimes to us!!  What a thoughtful and beautiful gift!  They arrived on a dark and rainy night and brightened my whole day.  Thank you, dear friend.

 

 

It's hard to believe that last week at this time I was unsure what the next day would hold...gratefully, miraculously, we saw a tiny heart beat.  Each day is a gift.  Each child, each friend, each person that we interact with....all gifts in one way or another.  Thank you, Jesus, for all that You give us.  Have a great week everyone.  Praying for you all, especially those in difficult marriages, who are looking for work, or are in chronic pain.  My prayer closet walls are filling up and I'm happy to add your intentions at any time.

 

Be Not Afraid

Jesse arrived an hour plus early to my appointment today because I pushed the wrong time on the google calendar .  Ah technology.....but it gave him time to pray at the chapel ahead of time since my mind and body were only a bundle of nerves.  "I have 1% hope" I told him.  I didn't want to say hopeless because I think hopeless is a sin so 1% summed it up nicely.  As I woke this morning I thought of all the people who deserved answered prayers way more than I do.  There are too many people to count.  And too many people that I have watched suffer through seriously hard times.  They all needed miracles and good things.  I am just being greedy.  So 1% it was....we walked around the hospital area where I had gotten really familiar when I had Augustine.  The sights and sounds were a reminder of the miracle we had already been granted.  Our once very sick baby boy was safe and sound at home as we prepared for the news of the new baby.  I don't even 1% deserve an answered prayer and I had resigned myself to that. 

Finally it was time for the appointment.  We went through all the usual stuff...weight, blood pressure, how are you feeling (not very pregnant)....the time for the ultra sound arrived.  I clutched my newest medal blessed by Pope Benedict and tried to decide if I would even look at the screen or not.  Within seconds the Dr. said the magic words "this looks very good".  I wanted to yell "SHUT UP" but I didn't.  I also didn't remain composed in any way as a baby with a beating heart appeared on the screen.  Jesse said "There's your 1%." as I kept saying I couldn't believe it.  The doctor reminded me that we have to remain cautious as the first trimester is a long and winding road with many possible pit falls along the way.  He's right, of course, but today we celebrate.  Jesse caught some heart beat on video and I was able to share it with the kids.  What a blessing modern technology can be!!

Thank you all for prayers.  We certainly need them to continue.  All glory to God and thankful for the intercession of our sweet friend Bridget.  A few days ago I sat at Bridget's gravesite where the statue of St. Pope John Paul II watches over her and my tears soaked the ground around her grave stone.  Amid the sadness I also felt great peace and joy.  A joy that I can't describe but it was there.  She is an amazing intercessor and someone I have come to call my "heavenly friend".  Again, I'm not worthy of such a thing.  I don't think I keep up my part of the friendship so well but she always does.   SO many people who I begged prayers from came back with a variation of the same quote from St. Pope John Paul II.  Summing it up they said to me "Be not afraid."  Because of so many prayers and so much support I was able to prepare to accept God's will, no matter what it was.  I was able to be not afraid.  Today had a happy ending, not every day does but Romans 8:28 tells us that all things work together for good for those who love God.  Even the hard days will turn to good somehow. 

Can I beg more prayers for our baby and also for a dear friend's baby?  God will know who.  Ladies, don't take your fertility for granted.  It will not always be easy (if it's easy for you) and it is certainly a BLESSING.  It is not something to run from but something to celebrate, understand, and embrace.

Thank you all again for your love, prayers, and support.  We are forever grateful.

Gratitude {While I'm Waiting}

It's definitely time for some gratitude while we await the future of our newest baby.  15ish years ago our family was welcomed into an amazing group of moms and dads and kids when we began our homeschooling journey.  As I have mentioned previously I was a bit of a mess back then but they welcomed me anyway, no judgment.  All these years later these families still inspire and support our family.  This weekend we met up for a long awaited "Saint Peg Doll Exchange".  I must admit I regretted signing up a few times but Jesse did almost all of the work and the pay off was so worth it!  I think we ended up with 40 new Saint dolls!  It was like Christmas morning here the last few days as the kids played with the dolls.  What a treat!  I'm read to (have Jesse) do it again!

 

A dear friend sent me this fabulous shirt, holy card (Sts. Zellie and Louis Martin) and a medal blessed by Pope Benedict.  It filled me with so much joy to receive such a gift in the midst of our waiting.

 

Today we celebrated my mom's birthday (Nov 10) and Hannah's (Nov. 11).  It was a lovely celebration complete with these more than yummy cakes!! 

(My favorite part of the picture below is a toss up between the look on Hannah's face as she receives a special gift from Katie and the look on Sam's face as he clearly takes JOY in her happiness.  I'm so glad that I captured it in a photo so I could be reminded of what gratitude and love for one's sibling looks like)

I was blessed to spend a couple of hours with Hannah and Katie Saturday morning at the Servants of God's Love Christmas craft bazaar.  We enjoyed sticky buns and my birthday gift from Hannah was this beautiful (and cheery) quilt.  So. Blessed.

 

So the waiting continues but there are so many blessings along the way.  Too many to count. Keeping eyes open and my heart ready for whatever God has in store for us.

 

“I wait for the LORD,  my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.”

Psalm 130:5-6

 

 

When God Says No {On Suffering and Gratitude}

 

"My daughter, suffering will be a sign to you that I am with you"

Jesus to St. Faustina (Diary, 669)

We've been here before...many times before.  The anticipation of new life squelched too soon as we stare at the ultra sound screen and know something isn't right.  We know a positive pregnancy test doesn't mean a full term baby that we will hold in our arms in this world.  We celebrate none the less because a soul has been created.  A soul that, if we don't meet him/her here, will go from the womb to the arms of Jesus.  Who doesn't want that for their child?  Today we wait in limbo for confirmation that the baby has passed.  There were no definitive answers on Wednesday but the outcome doesn't look so good.  I go back and forth between wanting to pray for a miracle and feeling greedy because 12 kids on earth is a pretty good number so who am I to want just one more?  My "morning sickness" symptoms seem to be fading which is another sign of loss.  Yet my heart can't seem to fully let go just yet.  This waiting time - the time we spend in between and the time we spend waiting for miscarriage (should that be the outcome) is a sacred time for me as a mother.  My senses are heightened, my gratitude rises, I appreciate the small things like sloppy baby kisses, pictures drawn by pre schoolers, and hugs by teenage sons.  Colors seem sharper, prayer goes deeper.  I ache to hold this baby someday but I know it isn't likely in this life.  God has His reasons.  I know this.  Off the top of my head I think of a dozen mothers and fathers who have traveled this road.  Those parents inspire me and lift me up in the days of mourning.  They accept God's will with grace.  That's what I want to do.  It isn't right for me to hold so tightly to something, someone, who was never really mine to begin with.  All of my children are on loan from God.  He has allowed me to parent some of them here and for that I am grateful. 

When the relics of St. Maria Goretti were here a friend told me an amazing story that I didn't know.  It reminded me of Paul Harvey's "The Rest of the Story" show (if you're old like me you will remember that...).  Anyway, she told me that Maria's mom had depended on her to watch her other children so she could work.  When Maria died she had to send all of her other children to orphanages.  Yet she still forgave Maria's killer and even took care of him when he was released from prison.  Oh how she must have suffered losing 6 children because of one person's selfish act.  I don't know if she was outwardly joyful or inwardly resentful but she carried on with her life and believed so strongly in God's will that even losing all of her children didn't make her bitter and unforgiving.  My loss cannot compare to hers or to so many others.  I am grateful for the opportunity to be this baby's mother no matter what the outcome is. 

Sometimes God says no when we pray for miracles.  Sometimes the miracles come in ways that we don't see or understand right away.  When we say we want what God wants, sometimes that means enduring suffering, sadness, or pain but He will always give us the strength and grace to endure those times of sorrow.  Each time I have suffered a great loss (be it a baby or some other loss) I have grown infinitely closer to Jesus and the Saints.  I have gained a deeper understanding of the sorrowful mysteries of the Rosary, a deeper respect for those who grieve, and an ability to look at all those around me in the light of suffering.  We are all suffering to some degree.  Even the guy that cuts you off in traffic or the seemingly rude cashier or person walking down the street.  We never really know what's going on inside a person.  These enormous losses have taught me empathy to a degree I have never known before.  There is so much to be grateful for always, even on the hard days, the sad days, the days of mourning.  God's tapestry is so amazing and His love so abundant that when we open our hearts to Him, He gives us peace in chaos. 

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.…"  Matthew 11:28

We return to the doctor on Monday.  Thank you all for prayers.  Jesus, I trust in You.

20 Years {Marriage}

 

20 years, 12 kids on earth, 10 Saints in Heaven, 1 baby on the way....I never dreamed 20 years ago on this date that my life would end up this way.  If I could have looked ahead to see I think I would have run the other way.  For me,  the key to marriage, the key to staying married, has been to focus on Christ first, my faults, my sins...I had to gut myself, I have to gut myself, every day.  On this day 20 years ago I didn't know the depths of suffering and pain.  But I also didn't know about Divine Mercy and God's Grace.  I didn't know when "the two become one" that when one person sins it devastates the other.  In a world where marriage has been redefined and is often treated as a disposable situation I didn't know that when pain, sorrow, and offenses come it IS possible to work through them in a way that brings dignity to both spouses and makes the marriage stronger.  Through these years I have learned that a good marriage is made up of two people willing to do anything to make the marriage work.  For us that *anything* has meant a heaping amount of grace, forgiveness, humility, patience, and sacrifice.  Jesse and I were young and, dare I say, very immature, when we married.  The people we were then couldn't have conceived of the load we would carry as the people we are now.  God cherished us but we did not cherish ourselves.  We lived as the world lived and loved what the world loved.  While we didn't outright reject Christianity people would have been hard pressed to identify either one of us as believers.  Today we attended Mass and then headed to the Detroit Institute of Arts (ALONE thanks to our amazing big kids who have servant's hearts for sure!).  Several of the paintings spoke to my heart but one specifically stopped me in my tracks.  It was a picture of Lot, his daughters, and his wife.  His wife looked back and that was the end for her.  She was warned not to but she did it anyway. 

 

"But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt."
Genesis 19:26

 

One thing is a sure thing in my life and especially in my marriage, when I look back and focus on the negative I, too, become a pillar of salt.  For me, for a time, that meant not looking back at all.  Even the *good* memories were tainted with bad.  I have been able to gradually (but not always) look back now and filter those memories.  I can see the good without recalling the bad.  But on those days that I'm emotionally tired or annoyed at Jesse because he didn't pick up his dirty socks or text me back quickly enough - it's then that God warns "don't look back".  Sometimes I listen and sometimes I don't.  It's a choice and occasionally I just make the wrong one.  I know not everyone's marriage is one that can be fully healed (without two people willing to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work I imagine it would be very difficult) or that every marriage has suffered severe trauma but everyone's marriage is hard work.  That much I know.  For many years I thought of marriage as the default.  Vocations to the priest hood or religious life were hard and important but marriage was something that those who couldn't cut the real vocations chose.  God is still laughing at me for that assumption. 

 

As much as I hesitate to look back I also don't like assuming that the future will be better.  Today I'm alive, today is all I have, and today is the best day.  As Mother Teresa is quoted as saying

 

 "Yesterday is gone, tomorrow has not yet come, we have only today.  Let us begin."

 

I must remember to begin anew everyday.  If I don't place Jesus at the center and serving others before myself I fall.  Every.time.  I also rely on Godly friends, holy people who walk this path with me and lift me up when I think I can't go any further.  I ask Jesse to pray over me and pray for me.  I ask him those things very frequently.  Sometimes it feels strange because we didn't always do those things but it always helps. 

 

20 years is a long time yet is also like a flash in the pan.  Eternity is forever.  Over the years I have struggled to believe that this was the best path for me.  I wondered who I could have been and what I could have done.  How silly and what a waste of time.  We all are as God wishes us to be when we surrender to His love and mercy.  Every moment, every event, every act - they can all be turned into good when we put Jesus at the center.  I think that's what I didn't know on my wedding day and for too many years after.   When I figured it out satan wanted me to look back and become that pillar of salt like Lot's wife.  But I am not Lot's wife.  I am God's daughter, Jesse's wife, and a mother to the most amazing children in the world.  I couldn't have planned a better life if I had tried. 

 

To God I say thank You for not leaving me even when I left you, thank you for your loving guidance and never ending mercy.  To Jesse I say I never knew the depths of real love until I travelled this road with you.  And to those who have walked along this road with us - thank you for your prayers, support, and patience.  No one should travel through marriage alone.  We need each other.  And I have been truly blessed.

 

Trust the past to God’s mercy, the present to God’s love, and the future to God’s providence. 

St. Augustine 

 

 

How Gratitude Changed My Life

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.

~Melodie Beattie~

 

 

 

When we had so much more (materially and financially) then we have now I was a miserable person.  It wasn't necessarily the money that made me miserable.  It was just "how I was" in general.  Always desiring more, the next best thing, clothes and furniture that made everything look perfect on the outside.  On the inside, however, I was ripped apart, messy, empty.  I focused more on what we didn't yet *have* and tried to figure out how to acquire it.  Much like St. Augustine I searched endlessly to fill a God sized hole with all the wrong things.

 

"O Beauty ancient, O Beauty so new
Late have I loved Thee and feebly yet do.
Though you were with me, I was not with You.
Then You shone Your face and I was blind no more."

 

I think, looking back, that I was addicted to shopping and my misery.  I wanted people to think my life was hard yet perfect.  It made no sense.  My life, in general, made no sense then.  God kept sending me blessings and I refused to see them for what they were.  Oh sure, I acted all grateful on days like Thanksgiving but my everyday life was spent focusing on the negative.  Instead of embracing my crosses I covered them up with mounds of brand new clothing for my kids and fancy appliances.  I wondered how I would get through the eye of the needle with all my *stuff*.  In those days, and sometimes in these days, I placed more emphasis on how my house looked then the people living in it.  You see, ingratitude, focusing on the hard things in our lives, it snowballs and before long the good is out in the distance somewhere only to be pulled for a second now and again.  Satan blinds us from the good because when we are grateful, that gratitude also snowballs.  Light ALWAYS shines through the darkness.  We just have to be willing to accept it, embrace it, and discipline ourselves to not focus on the bad. 

 

"I sought this world and chased its finer things, Yet were these not in You, they would not have been.
My ceaseless longing hid the deeper truth,
In all my desirings, I was desiring You"

 

Jesse and I were at a (Hillsong) concert recently and I heard this about depression: (paraphrasing) You can always, always find someone worse off than you.  If you are laying on the couch depressed, get UP and go serve the poor, the disabled, the elderly, or anyone, really.  Turn on praise and worship music, PRAISE your way out of depression.  I am not speaking about clinical depression here, obviously, I'm talking about what I was dealing with.  The "woe is me" syndrome.  I absolutely LOVED the idea to praise your way out of sadness and have put that into practice.  I have mentioned before the impact that Ann Vaskomp's book "1000 Gifts: A Dare To Live Fully Right Where You Are" had on me and my life.  That concept of living fully RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE was foreign to me.  Until then I had been waiting for the next thing. " The best is yet to come" is a phrase that had been engrained in my head.  But, no, the best is NOW.  Today.  Praise God for today!

 

"Lord, in my deafness You cried out to me.
I drew my breath and now Your fragrance I breathe
O Fount of Life, You are forever the same;
O Fire of Love, come set me aflame."

If I had seen the me today 10 or 15 years ago I probably would have panicked.  Making ends meet is sketchy, at best, but God always provides. I would have thought "what a Pollyanna fool" yet living with gratitude isn't Pollyanna.  We must live in reality but also with gratitude.  I am sure that most of these "revelations" aren't revelations for most people but for me they were life changing.  And had they not been revealed to me when they were my life would look very different right now.  I recently read an article that Hannah brought home from her (secular) university.  It was sad on many levels but highlighted how ignorant Christians are because they praise God in ALL circumstances.  I feel sad for a person that lives such an empty existence and I pray that he will come to know the love of Jesus before he meets Him.  But I was once like him.  Not so much thinking people were ignorant, of course, but not understanding praising God through the losses and pain as well as in times of great joy as well as in ordinary days when nothing "special" happened. 

 

So that's the long and short of how daily, intentional gratitude has helped me move past the "woe is me" lifestyle to one of great JOY.  Sometimes I slip back, I get pulled in to the negative of the world or of other people or of my own tendencies the focus on the bad and it feels so wrong.  I'm grateful that God showed me another road.  One with seemingly more crosses but also more grace to accept them. 

 

"My heart searches restlessly and finds no rest ‘till it rests in Thee.
O Seeker You sought for me, Your love has found me;
I am taken by thee. "

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Feast of St. John Paul II !!

 

Happy Feast of St. John Paul II!!  I cannot fully express the affection I have for this man.  His gentle and loving, yet always truthful and firm, way of relaying the Church Teachings drew me in with an unexplainable fervor for this beautiful Faith.  His Theology of the Body explained the unimaginable beauty of God's design, especially for God's plan for married love and sexuality.  Reading St. John Paul II awakened in me a love for the Catholic Faith that I didn't know existed.  Most of it was and is WAY over my head but the absolutely beauty and love that it was written with draws me in.  I see photos and videos of St. JPII and I think "I want what he has!".  As if he wasn't awesome enough he also highlighted and introduced the Feast of the Divine Mercy in the Church.  What an amazing blessing that Feast has been for me and for countless others.  So today is a big day in our house and in my heart.  Today seems like a more than appropriate day to announce that, God willing, Team Ekblad will have another member in early summer 2016!!  We are all over the moon.  Things are going well so far and we are very grateful.  Every day is a gift!  From the outside it may look a little crazy but on the inside, I assure you, we are JOY filled.  I, personally, feel completely unworthy and like I won the lottery, again.  Pray for me, friends, as I pray for you.  And may God's Will be done.

(Drawing by a very excited Mary)

 

 

Favorite St JPII Quotes

 

“If He asks much of you, it is because He knows you can give much.”

 

“It is the duty of every man to uphold the dignity of every woman.”

 

“As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live.”

 

“A person’s rightful due is to be treated as an object of love, not as an object for use.”

 

“Do not abandon yourselves to despair. We are the Easter people and Alleluia is our song.”

 

“Love between man and woman cannot be built without sacrifices and self-denial.”

 

 

The Prayer Closet {War Room} Project

 

"But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."
Matthew 6:6

It started four plus years ago - a necessary project after years of accumulating *stuff*.  My closet project has loomed over my head for all those years.  I began it while pregnant with a baby we later miscarried.  And through many other pregnancies, births, miscarriages, and life trauma.  I have continued to pull out the stuff, put the stuff back, again and again and again.  It seems silly that I just couldn't finish it up.  I never had enough time without little ones around, in and out, needing meals and baths and diaper changes.  School work and driving to and from activities.  It was too easy to load it all back into the closet and shut the door.  But at the end of summer this year Jesse and I saw the movie the War Room.  While the movie itself lacked, well, a lot of things, the premise was amazing (yet simple).  For years I had put into action what Ms. Clara suggests to Elizabeth, a bitter and unhappy wife who focuses much on the splinter in her husband's eye instead of the log in her own.  I learned, not gracefully or willingly, that we can't change other people but through prayer, fasting, and sacrifice as well as by remember who the real enemy is (satan) we can change our perspective and grow spiritually as we journey toward our real home, heaven. 

Unlike Ms. Clara and Elizabeth my prayer time wasn't done in quiet spots without interruption.  It was (and probably mostly still will be) done in the middle of our home, forever interrupted, disjointed, and most definitely imperfect.  But God has blessed it all.  Still I longed for a special place (not that I expect or really want to pray alone) but a place to keep my prayer requests, books, holy cards.  A place to go and sit and just be with Jesus, soaking in His Word.  So as I watched the War Room I dreamed of a day that I, too, could have a "prayer closet" like the women in the movie.  That is what inspired me to finally finish the closet.  Physically I was able.  Emotionally I wasn't sure.  Decades of pictures, cards, letters, and memories that I had been avoiding would have to be sifted through.  I would have to face a painful past and find a way to make peace with it all.  I found ultra sound pictures of babies who are with Jesus now, photos that brought back memories I would rather forget, tiny outfits from children who are off and running in their own lives, notebooks from Bible Studies and marriage retreats.  At one point it was all spread out on the floor and bed in my room.  One big mess.  My life, my pain, my sorrows, and my joys right there staring me in the face.  I had to decide what to choose - would I go back there, immerse myself in bitterness and resentment, disappointments and regret?  Or could I see the blessing that comes from our crosses in life?  By no power of my own and by God's Grace alone I was able to see joy in all of the pain.  I have spent the last two years crying what seemed like oceans of tears but no tears came as I persevered in my project to face my past, our past, tell satan to go back to hell where he came from, and gutted that room so it could be the tiny, sacred space I had dreamed of. 

When I set out to make my prayer closet (or as Ms. Clara calls it - the war room) I didn't think that the process would have so much meaning.  God, in His Infinite Wisdom, had another plan.  He knew that for me to get "over" something, I needed to face it, go through it, and commit to His will, not satan's plan to destroy my family.  Thy Will be done.  Not my will.  Not satan's plan. His will.

The first morning I woke up after I (mostly) completed my prayer closet project I read this in my morning devotionals (from the Diary of St. Faustina)

"From today on, my own will does not exist,"...."From today on, I do the will of God everywhere, always, and in everything." (Diary, 372)

This is my aim.  I fail everyday.  But it's my goal.  When my life blew up two years ago I wanted to do my will.  I wanted to hurt the people who hurt me.  Gratefully God stepped in and I did not do that.  Things are better now than they've ever been.  Only by God's amazing Grace could I ever have faced a painful past and even embraced it, pulling out the good and (not denying) but not focusing on the pain and certainly not focusing on the sins of others.

So thanks to a mediocre movie with poor development but a great message I have a clean closet and my very own "war room" to fight the one who has come to destroy us.  Still so much to add to this room.  The cost was zero.  I used what we already had.  It's not perfect by any means but I'm content with how it turned out.  All of it.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

(There's even a spot for little prayers because I always have one or two of those with me)

If you have special prayer requests let me know.  I will add them to the wall of the war room and remember you daily in prayer (confidentiality will be respected and I can write them in *code* if necessary).